Hey Arnold! Season 6: The Big Pataki
by Cre8ivelybankrupt87
Summary: An unwanted visit from Big Bob's estranged father plunges three generations of Patakis into another crazy adventure. Big Bob must face his past demons if he hopes for some sliver of redemption with his family.
1. Bored Meeting

**Disclaimer: This story follows 'The Beeper Princess' and 'Miriam and Stella.' **

**Before I go back and pull a bit of a George Lucas with 'The Beeper Princess,' I'll just clear up a slight continuity error I created by thinking up and writing these stories out of sequential order. Olga dropped out of grad school as of 'Miriam and Stella' but is apparently back at school during 'Beeper Princess.' I'm just gonna say she was persuasive enough for them to let her back in, and since she's such a stinking genius she manages to catch up on a month's schoolwork in a short amount of time… because Olga. **

**I also wanted to make it clear that the last story wasn't meant to just be happily ever after. The Patakis had a boost in business but it's not like now they're doing well enough to buy their house back or anything.**

**The big takeaways from 'Beeper Princess,' they tapped into a new market, Helga discovered a passion for helping with the family business her own way, and Bob has discovered that Arnold is a miracle worker of sorts… suppose he's going to use those talents sparingly?**

**Miriam is asserting herself more, and is having a surprisingly easy time of it. Bob as a result is feeling a little… emasculated.**

* * *

Chapter 1: Bored Meeting

Tension hung in the air in the boardroom of Big Bob's Beepers Emporium, much like an unpleasant cloud of gas, on top of the actual unpleasant clouds of gas, as a byproduct of the burritos that the store owner had ordered everyone. The eponymous Big Bob Pataki himself stood before a chart tracking the company's sales over the past year. The zigzagging red line marking the steady decline in sales eventually found its way down to a line flat as a deceased heart rate, only to suddenly skyrocket, which brought things up to the present. Despite their enormously successfully rebranding and grand reopening a week prior, sales had again dropped, not abysmally but still noticeably. With a fire lit under him again, Big Bob had every intention of keeping this momentum going, and that meant cracking the proverbial whip on his employees.

"All right, ladies and gentlemen, after our little twelve month dip in sales I'm happy to report that Big Bob's Beepers…" he stopped and said his next words bitterly, "… and phones… is back on the rise to glory! Now that we've completely clobbered all competition and cornered the market on pagers in Hillwood, the mobile phone industry is our next target, and they're all ready to fall like dominos." His tone intensified as his speech grew more vigorous with every word, "And if we're gonna swim with the sharks we gotta keep our teeth sharpened and be one step ahead of the rest of 'em. The 'Beeper Princess' gimmick did its job kicking things off again, but we're gonna need more. So… ideas, people?"

Bob turned his face from the chart and turned to face his company board members; consisting of a blonde woman looking at him through her glasses with half-lidid eyes, a blonde pig-tailed girl in a pink dress with a sour expression, a short boy with unruly blonde hair poking out of his oblong head… and that was it. As business declined over the last year, Bob's pool of employees gradually shrunk and eventually disappeared entirely, as employees weren't laid off but rather had enough foresight to abandon ship while they still could, unlike the captain who had stayed the course long after hitting an iceberg. Now his only three 'employees' consisted of his wife Miriam, daughter Helga, and her boyfriend Arnold. The boy had been instrumental in last week's boost in sales, having masterminded the entire 'Beeper Princess' campaign, and he seemed happy to help at first. Now he sat with his head resting in his hands looking tired and overworked, especially for a twelve year old.

"Mr. Pataki…?" Arnold asked weakly, "I think I need to get home, it's getting late, and I've got homework to-"  
"Now look," Bob pointed a finger at him and bellowed, "You're never gonna make it in the working world thinking you can just come and go from a meeting whenever you darn well please! Believe me, Osgood, I had to suffer through more boring meetings than I can count before I got to where I am today!"

"It's Arnold." the boy corrected. "And when Helga invited me over for dinner I thought-"

"I specifically said 'family time.'" Helga clarified. "And this is a family business, so…"

"That's right." Bob said, "And family time is also work time around here. Listen short guy, you don't get to just set your own schedule at your level. Now, c'mon! Helga talked me into using your crazy ideas so let's hear some more!"

Arnold shrugged, "I mean… that's not really how the creative process works-"

"Creative process, huh?" Bob pondered, "Yeah, I've heard of that… but we don't have time! We've got an empire to rebuild, and now that I've turned over a new leaf I'm humble enough to make you my idea man, kid! Now let's hear some!"

Arnold looked to Helga for help but saw that she was reacting with suppressed amusement. Arnold may not have enjoyed time with Helga's family as much as she enjoyed time with his, but the mere fact that Bob tolerated or even valued something about Arnold in his own twisted way meant something to her. And Arnold similarly, despite not enjoying this kind of attention from her father, couldn't help but adore Helga's sadistic smile that said 'I love you' in her own twisted little way. He'd gotten himself into this situation by vowing to help save her family's business, but didn't realize just how strongly her father would react to his ideas. The man was milking him for all his ideas were worth now, and Arnold felt in over his head, plus having Big Bob's enormous mug glowering directly in his face didn't inspire any ideas other than 'make for the exit.' Still, Arnold felt compelled to try.

"Well, as a small business owner you might want to consider-"

"Small!?" Bob roared in Arnold's face, "Do you think I go by 'Big Bob' ironically? No, no, no, Big Bob does not do small. We went big right out the gate and we're not taking one step backwards!"

Helga now sensed Arnold had suffered about as much of her father as was humanly possible for one day, and decided to give her beloved his reprieve.

"Dad? I think Arnold's had enough Pataki family time for one day. Let him go." she insisted.

Arnold nodded, "And I'm pretty sure this violates some child labor laws…"

"No, no, that's only if I was paying you." Bob said dismissively, "You're just helping out like the good little egg that you are, and we're exploiting the heck out of it."

Arnold stared back at the father of his girlfriend, while said girlfriend just snickered.

"Points for honesty, Dad." Helga said, but then glared at her father as she tussled Arnold's hair, "But we gotta be careful or we'll burn out his little football head, and then what good would he be?"

"Ah, come on." Bob insisted, "He's an endless geyser of positivity and good ideas that usually work. We can squeeze just one more out of him today!"

"B." Bob's wife Miriam at last spoke up, sounding authoritative as she had recently learned how to, "I think it's time for Arnold to go home."

Bob looked at his wife, whom he had largely shut down or just disregarded for a long time, which hadn't been hard to do given how despondent she had been for years. Recently however, Miriam had been showing a more driven and determined side which frankly put Bob on edge; seeing his wife so confident for the first time in years just made him feel small somehow. All others in the room could feel the shift in power, and as Bob nodded quietly, Arnold got up to take his leave. Arnold looked at Mrs. Pataki with enormously grateful smile.

"Arnold? Do you need a ride?" Miriam asked.

"No thanks," Arnold said, as he twiddled with his phone, "My dad can give me a ride. Thanks for having me over, Mr. and Mrs. Pataki." he said awkwardly, then turned to Helga, "See you tomorrow, Helga?"

"Psh, in your dreams." Helga said with a mischievous twinkled in her eye, and she leaned in to whisper in his ear, "I know I'll see you in mine…"

Arnold turned pink, and as his eyes darted around trying to avoid the gaze of Bob or Miriam, he just waved the family Pataki goodbye and scurried out the door into the night.

"See?" Miriam said to Bob, "If he was just paging his dad, who knows how long he'd have to wait."

"Oh, don't give him such a hard time, Miriam." Helga said, "You know how behind the times he is."

"Behind on the times?" Bob huffed, "I know how cell phones work."

"Uh huh." Helga said, "They're not even cell phones anymore. They're smart phones… as in smarter than you."

"Smart phones?" Bob huffed, "What happened to cell phones? When did they get smart?"

Miriam held up a picture looking not unlike Darwin's theory of evolution, only this one depicted the evolution of communication technology.

"Remember? It goes smoke signal, carrier pigeon, morse code, rotary telephone, push button phone, cordless phone, bag phone, beepers, car phone, cell phones, and now smart phones." Miriam listed off. "If we can corner the market on whatever's next… I'm thinking the next generation will just be surgically implanted into people's-"

"One step at a time," Helga cautioned her growingly enthusiastic mother.

Bob picked up one such smart phone off the table and glared at it with disdain and resentment. It had been a slow adjustment to reality for Bob over the past few days. The advent of cell phones and now smart phones intimidated him and caused him enough stress to seal himself off in a bubble, shielding him from any change going on in the world around him. His wife and daughter had finally broken him out of his bubble, and the results had been anything but pretty for the most part. Bob reacted to most pieces of modern tech not unlike an enraged and confused neanderthal might; and with the same level of patience and understanding .

"Oh yeah? What's so smart about these things?" he asked.

Before Miriam or Helga could answer him, an electronic female voice sounded from the device in Bob's hand and attempted to give him the answer he sought. Bob stared in quiet shock as the device spoke in a flat monotone.

"Here are the results for 'what's so smart about these things…'" it began to say but Bob dropped it in his shock.

"Mother dumper!" Bob gasped, "These things have robot voices now!? What are we living in Star Trek!?"

"Here are the results for 'Star Trek'" the phone continued. "Kirk vs. Picard-"

"Shut up, I wasn't asking you." Bob tried to verbally squelch the device, unaware of how counterintuitive his efforts were.

"I'm sorry, I didn't understand your question." the phone said. "Could you ask again with fewer grunts?"

Now Bob loomed over the resting device and shook his fist in his fury.

"You keep that sass up and I'm gonna show you my luddite impression!" Bob threatened the device.

"Like I said, smarter than you…" Helga snipped.

"Hey!" her father bellowed, "Hey hey hey hey hey hey- actually… you're right, little missy. That's another reason I've been so hesitant to switch over to all this modern junk. Yeah, they might sell like hot cakes, but have you ever taken a good look at all the brain dead zombies who use the freaking things? It won't be long before that little snide remark of yours bites us all in the butt, when these 'smart' gizmos get smart enough to the point where they realize that they don't need us! You won't be laughing when you wake up one morning and realize your old man has been replaced by a robot!"

At the height of his rant, Bob found himself red in the face and panting for breath, with his arms raised high in the air looking ready to smash something. Any average person might have run in terror, but the man's wife and daughter just looked at him incredulously.

"Uh huh." Helga said at last, "And if we're done smelling conspiracy at every turn, why don't I just go ahead and-"

"Listen, you." Bob pointed a finger at his daughter, "Smelling conspiracy is what got me to the top of this business! It's what kept me one step ahead of the other guy!"

"Yeah, and that worked until it didn't." Helga huffed as she got up to leave. "Shame you didn't smell conspiracy the one time there actually was one..." Helga coughed with a noise that sounded curiously like 'F.T.I.' With a heavy yawn, she then made her way for the door.

"I'm just gonna clear out before this leads into another story of your close encounters with-"

"Where do you think you're going?" Bob demanded.

"I've got to get my homework done before I get in the four to five hours of sleep you've allotted me…" she groaned, "You know… the kind a growing girl needs."

"Now wait-" Bob tried to argue against his daughter again, but a look in his wife's eye stopped him. With an annoyed sigh he waved her off to bed, "Fine, fine. Night Olg- uh, Helga. Helga. You just march yourself straight to bed!" he tried to sound in control again.

"Night, _dad._" Helga said with less than subtle sarcasm, and she lurched off to her room.

Miriam smiled at her husband and nodded.

"Aw, B…" she fawned, "You're making so much progress already."

"You gotta be careful or you're gonna make me go soft…" Bob shuddered at the thought. "We're not gonna get back on top always talking about our feelings…"

"Even a Beeper King needs his sleep, dear." Miriam insisted, "Now c'mon. It's getting late."

Bob clenched up his fists as he felt his blood boil, yet at the touch of his wife's hand on his shoulder, he could feel his temper subside just enough to keep from blowing his top as he was wont to do with little provocation.

"Yeah, yeah, fine. Whatever." Bob yawned, "Be there in a minute… I just got some more stuff to take care of…"

Miriam smiled knowingly at her husband. With a playful slap on his back she laughed to herself.

"Just make sure brushing your teeth is one of them." she said, "Remember what the dentist said, back when we still had dental insurance… and your other half could use a night without Big Bob Burrito Breath…"

Bob sighed again.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever just… yeah, you go and I'll just… fine." Bob trailed off as Miriam kissed his cheek and went on her way.

Bob watched her leave out of the corner of his eye. After more than a year of disastrous decisions on his part, which had lost them their house, savings, dignity and a fair share of sanity, Bob had swallowed just enough pride to let Miriam take the helm again and what followed left him feeling conflicted. Indeed, their whole 'Beeper Princess' idea resulted in a charming little TV ad with comically poor production values, which had brought in a large market of ironic hipsters, and a significant chunk of Hillwood denizens just looking to upgrade to the twenty-first century, putting business back on an upward trend.

And Big Bob the Beeper King had been reduced to a metaphysical joke in their new ad campaign. The once glorious Empire of Beepers lay in ruins, having to be lifted out of the dark age by the Beeper Princess. Bob had come around to realizing that in the eyes of Hillwood at large, he really had become a joke over the last year, as he stubbornly and pointlessly created his own alternate reality in which his business had just been going through a small dip in sales.

It felt out of character for him in retrospect; Bob had always had an eye for new technology, good or bad, reliable or not he made no qualms about pushing all the latest high tech commodities on the unsuspecting consumer base, and through his ruthlessly efficient business tactics he'd built himself and his family an empire, one that he knew would last forever.

He knew. Of course, he knew that extra terrestrials were real among other things too, so maybe just this one time something he knew didn't exactly conform to objective reality. It didn't matter. He was Big Bob Pataki, and Patakis didn't accept the world as is, but broke it and shaped it into the world they wanted. And now that Bob had reached a certain age, he subconsciously chose to live in a world of comfort, where nothing changed and he could finally relax just a little while Big Bob's Beepers could just carried on business as usual, so to speak. He had a daughter… well, two actually, and most of the time remembered that, but to him the emporium was his real baby, one he'd raised up like the son he'd never had, and as they entered a new millennium he felt confident in that son of his to take care of himself in the world. Maybe one day Big Bob's Beepers would grow up to be a super conglomerate and make his 'old man' truly proud.

No such stinking luck.

His figurative son proved to be a college dropout of sorts who couldn't take care of himself, and so Bob found himself having to hold his emporium's hand, but by this point the world had changed too drastically and too quickly, leaving Big Bob and his business in the dust. Bob thought back to a time in recent history when the future had looked bright, only to be unexpectedly darkened and hoped he wasn't about to go down that same road again. This hadn't been the first time Big Bob's Beepers had gone under significant changes of course. He'd tried to expand and branch out by opening a new location just once before, but he quickly found out the hard way that partnering with the likes of Nick Vermacelli and Future Tech Industries was just an open invitation to let the dogs in, and they'd nearly taken his baby from him just to leave him with a measly share of the profits. Bob considered himself a smart businessman up until well into his fifties he had to learn to always read a contract before signing, and maybe not trust a two timing weasel like Nick Vermacelli. That business venture nearly ended in the destruction and redevelopment of the old neighborhood, and despite Bob's last minute efforts to help the neighborhood sabotage the demolition crew, slowly word got around that he'd only helped them out of fear for losing his own business, and not out of any real genuine concern for the neighborhood.

That public disgrace had lost him any goodwill around the neighborhood, and that coupled with beepers going the way of the neanderthal had left them his family in their current predicament. Thanks to Miriam and Helga revamping the store into more of a 'family' image and less of a 'Big Bob's big ugly mug' image, they were on the rise again, but even with the glimmer of hope he had for it now, the store just didn't feel like his baby anymore, but one that his wife and daughter had molded into something else. Without the store he had built in his own image carrying on as it always had, Bob had lost more than just the very thing he had attached his ego to, but something more meaningful: his sense of purpose.

With those thoughts weighing on him, Bob sighed and resigned himself to his fate: bed time. As if losing his purpose wasn't enough, he felt like a child being ordered to bed by Miriam. Just before he could turn out the light in the conference room, the smart phone resting on the table sprang to life again as its rhythmic vibrations caught Bob's attention. He glanced at the screen, and didn't recognize the number, but he did see that the call was coming from North Dakota; not a state known for its large population of clientele… or large population in general. As if being beckoned by authoritative forces beyond his control, Bob felt the need to answer the call.

"Yeah, who is this?" Bob asked the anonymous caller, "What the heck are you calling for at-"

He fell silent as a voice filled his ear; one he hadn't expected nor wanted to hear in a very long time.

By the time morning light shimmered through the store windows, Helga could already hear a commotion out in the showroom as she slowly roused from her sleep.

"Great… another raccoon get in?" she asked herself. With a heavy sigh, she grabbed for the baseball bat she kept close to her sleeping bag and rose to her feet. Helga wasn't a self-described morning person, but occasionally things around the house got crazy enough to drag her out of bed at a decent hour. She pounded the bat against her open palm, ready to ward off any animal intruders.

"It's an ugly job, but someone's gotta- what the?"

To her shock, it hadn't been a raccoon making all the noise, but her father. Chasing raccoons out of the crumbling beeper store had become common as the place fell into ruin over the past months, whereas the sight before her now was otherworldly by comparison.

Bob, dressed in an apron was methodically and fanatically scrubbing the floor with a sponge, which he pushed along with his foot, dusting the counters with one hand and pushing a vacuum in the other. Helga looked at him in disbelief and realized by the look on his face he hadn't slept all night. Helga wasn't alone in her confusion, as her mother similarly awoken by the noise now wandered into the room from behind her.

"B?" Miriam asked, "What happened. You never came to bed last night… are you cleaning?"

"He's off his meds or something…" Helga remarked, "Or maybe he should be on some so then he could be off them."

"Gotta look polished… gotta be presentable… everything's gotta be perfect…" Bob sounded possessed as he rambled, slowly growing less and less coherent, "Win… we gotta win… Patakis are winners… Helga! Where are all the stinkin' trophies!?"

Helga raised and eyebrow at that notion. The upside of business going south and her father's subsequent descent into denial, and then borderline madness had been that he didn't have time or energy to devote to the mountainous wall of trophies once on display at their townhouse.

"What's left of them are still in storage." Helga answered, "The rest I think we had melted down and then tried to pawn them off."

"What!?" Bob bellowed, "Oh that's just great! Now we'll never… just get what's left of them out and start polishing!"

Helga and her mother looked at one another in more than slight concern for Bob's behavior.

"B? Did you pull an all-nighter?" Miriam asked, "Aw, you wanted to make the store look perfect for our big weekend sale, that's so thoughtful of-"

"Forget the customers, Miriam! This place was clean enough for those losers, we've got to make this place fit for a visit from the stinkin' King of England!" Bob shouted.

Helga and Miriam looked at one another in confusion.

"Got new clients, do we?" Helga asked, "Man, we're really moving up in the world… but I think they have a queen, not a-"  
Bob lifted Helga up by her arms and held her to his eye level, unnerving her with his bloodshot eyes.

"Cut the wisecracks, Olga!" he shouted in her face, "Time to act your age! Whatever that is! We have to make this place… better than…"

Bob started to trail off, and then he dropped Helga back to the floor, whereupon she landed on her rear with a loud thud.

"Aw criminey… who am I kidding!?" Bob keeled over in defeat and buried his head on the counter, "Whatever we do won't be good enough…"

Helga stood up and scowled at her father with both hands planted on her hips. Bob's past abuse towards her had mostly been emotional and psychological, and while he never intentionally harmed her physically he did have some clumsy moments, be it accidentally dropping her, nailing her in the head with a golf ball, or confusing her for an alien invader.

"Not good enough for what?" Helga demanded, "Is this all just because Arnold's idea worked and it's just dawning on you now how big of a loser you are?"

"It's not that." Bob said, "He's coming…"

"The repo man?" Miriam asked.

"Worse…" Bob groaned.

The look on her father's face rocked Helga to her core. She had never seen such a mixture of fear and hopeless resignation in anyone, let alone her undeservedly confident father. The ambient sounds of the city around them somehow fell deathly silent as the Patakis themselves.

Helga had no time for dramatic pauses of course and just broke the silence.

"Who?" she demanded.

Bob looked at her with an ominous expression and then said slowly, "The Big Pataki…"

"Oh! Oh…" Miriam covered her mouth as Helga's brow shot upward in surprise and confusion.

"The 'Big Pataki?'" she asked, "Wouldn't that be you, dad?"

Bob didn't respond, apparently going slightly catatonic as if unable to explain to his daughter the weight and severity of the situation. Helga's mother however placed her hands on her shoulders. Helga looked up at her mom, whose expression sent shivers down her back.

"His father." Miriam said, "Your grandfather…"

"I HAVE A GRANDFATHER!?" Helga exploded, "LIKE… A LIVING ONE!?"

* * *

**How do you make a character like Helga sympathetic? Give her a mean dad. How do you make her dad a sympathetic character? Make his father an absolute bastard… but in what way? Find out in coming chapters…**

**Maurice Lamarche is Canadian… Big Bob sounds… midwestern-ish, and Miriam seems to hail from South Dakota, while Big Bob has driven through North Dakota so… yeah, I'll just say he's from North Dakota and they met in between somehow. Unless someone knows where he's actually supposed to be from in the canon and I missed it… in which case tell me and I'll retcon the hell out of this.**

**Despite the title, this will be light on 'Big Lebowski' references... apart from Bob generally acting like Walter.**

**Favorite and comment! Or Big Bob will make you work overtime without pay… why do I keep threatening my readers like this? Meh… I like to think my audience is smart enough to know fictional characters won't make good on my threats.**


	2. Oh My Papa

**Response to my reviewers**

**Kryten: Behold the sum of all your fears… well, soon.**

**starwater09: Thank you! I think you put more thought into this first chapter than I did… lol. I thought it was slightly insane for Bob to carry on selling just beepers so I had to find some deep seated reason for it. I'd be lying if that Rocko's Modern Life special that just came out a little while ago didn't partially inspire the themes in this story, since that was all about people trying to find a place of comfort and ignore the changes in the world going on around them, which is a temptation for everyone as we get older… but ultimately not a healthy one.**

**Anonymous Latino: I'll get that 200 to you as soon as Big Bob signs the check. Yep, Helga's just way ahead of Arnold on that stuff so it's funny to see her mess with him while he innocently struggles to catch up. Grandpa Pataki is going to be a whole new level of prick…**

**Em Pataki: Sorta, kinda, but not completely. They must have just a little bit of the same boiling blood, but I think they're more just a product of their upbringings. **

**HumanDictionary: a) Yeah, I think I've come to grips with it now. I think I wanted to rewrite it just because it didn't get much of a reaction compared to other stories in this little saga, but oh well. I still like it.**

**b) Yeah, I know what you mean. I think throughout the course of the series the two of them only really interacted maybe three times briefly? (not counting the 'orphan boy' moment). The most they ever talked was in Arnold's dream in Married, so that doesn't really count but I definitely think that's a realistic look at how the two of them would likely interact. I might be reading too much into it, but I think Bob kind of represents a different world than the one Arnold is in, both in terms of class status and just how they view the world in general… so now getting to play around with the 'girlfriend's dad' tropes is kinda fun. That Silence of the Lambs comparison is funny, because I remember hearing someone's reaction to first watching Hey Arnold!, with their intro episode being 'Arnold's Hat' and they said something like "Oh god… this girl is a Buffalo Bill kid!" in reaction to Helga's gum shrine…**

**c) Thank you! Hmm, and Bob's pariah status was just a passing thought that I had… guess I'd better do something with it now. lol**

* * *

Chapter 2: Oh My Papa...

"You have a grandfather?" Arnold asked in genuine surprise, reacting to Helga's news.

"Like… a living one?" Gerald asked.

"That's exactly what I said! Verbatim!" Helga responded, still completely flustered by this possibly life changing news.

"When's he getting into town?" Phoebe asked.

"Tonight." Helga said, "He just announced he was coming last night apparently, and now Bob's a complete basket case. He almost kept me home from school to clean the place, like he's trying to pass inspection or something."

The four kids, Helga, Arnold, Gerald and Phoebe walked in line down the sidewalk of the busy city street on their way to school, as was their morning ritual. Helga's news surprised all three of her friends, and it dawned on them that they had never really wondered much about her extended family, possibly because her immediate family members were enough to deal with already. Helga especially felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under her feet with this little reveal from her parents, and her whole world had been turned upside down.

Discussions of personal feelings under the Pataki roof were nearly unheard of, and similarly discussions about family in general came around once every Christmas or so, and they normally amounted to Bob talking about how he thought of his employees as family, to which Helga in turn always had to point out to him more accurately he thought of his family as employees, or even more accurately as unpaid interns. Regardless, the subject of Bob's ancestry had never really come up in any meaningful way, with only occasional vague details that he had parents at some point, like most people, and in all that time Helga's curiosity never really pushed her to broach the subject. As far as she had been concerned, the less she knew about Bob the happier she was; she had always been more preoccupied with actively distracting herself from her family issues in general, so now to learn of her grandfather's existence shocked her as she realized she had never cared to wonder about him before.

"I'd be less shocked if they'd told me I had a long lost twin named Hilda living out in the boonies somewhere." Helga remarked, after an awkward silence between her friends.

"Gosh, Helga." Phoebe spoke up, "How did something like this go unspoken for so long?"

"I dunno, those few times dad ever mentioned his own papa was you know… past tense? I always just assumed he was deader than Ronnie Mathews's career."

"Ouch." Gerald remarked, "Harsh, but not wrong…"

Phoebe giggled, "And nothing of value was lost… but really? You didn't know anything about your grandfather all this time?"

"My dad's got a pretty basic repertoire of talking points: himself, business, Olga, sports, how much he lost betting on sports… and not much else." Helga listed on one hand, before adding, "Oh, occasionally food, there's that. It only figures I'd have a mystery grandpa. No one in that house ever tells me anything. Far as I cared, Bob didn't even have parents. All I ever really knew about was Granny on my mom's side… and if you ever met her, trust me that's as much grandparents as you'd want… she probably bored grandpa on Miriam's side right into the grave."

"Well, that does fit biologically that you would have two sets of grandparents." Phoebe noted. "Unless your father was some sort of test tube baby…"

"Until I see this 'Big Patki' guy in the flesh, I'm not ruling that out." Helga laughed, "Personally, I always assumed Bob just crawled straight out of the fiery pits of-"

"Helga?" Arnold cut in, "Aren't you kind of excited to meet him? I mean, it's a part of your family you've never known. I know I'd be-"

"Yeah, you would be. I know." Helga cut him off, sensing where he was going with this, "Except I'm not flying out to the jungle to wake him from some quasi mystical sleeping sickness in some big tearful reunion." She then laughed as another thought occurred to her, "You raised by your grandparents, never knowing your real parents… me raised by my parents never knowing my grandparents… feels kinda cosmic somehow."

"I guess I'm biased…" Arnold said, "But I think grandparents are great. I bet he'll be happy to finally meet you."

"Remains to be seen…" Helga said slightly ominously, "I guess I'm at least excited to see this guy knock Bob down a few pegs. You shoulda seen him this morning… obsessing over cleaning up the store, trying to make everything look super impressive… or at least semi passable. I've never seen him afraid of anything like this! Apart from that time he thought I was an alien…"

The other three kids shuddered at the notion of their one time halloween escapade gone horribly wrong.

"I bet that was a tense night at home after all that…" Gerald said.

"You know? We've never really talked about it…" Helga sighed, but then continued laughing as she thought of her father, "But I guess any guy who can turn Bob into a quivering mess is okay in my book."

The other three kids exchanged glances amongst each other, now looking somewhat concerned.

"What?" Helga asked, noting their uneasiness.

"Well…" Phoebe said solemnly, "Your father, while certainly admirable in his entrepreneurial spirit and um… grooming and hygiene I suppose, he's just a little… well, he's an imposing figure to put it mildly."

"And to put it more accurately, he's kind of a massive jerk." Gerald noted.

"Hey!" Helga pointed a finger in his face, "No-one besmirches the Pataki name in my presence but ME. Got it, Geraldo? Do I insult your mother!?"

"I'm just saying." Gerald continued, not put off by Helga's blustering, "I'd be a little more wary going into this family reunion if I were you… if a guy like your dad is afraid of a guy like your grandpa."

"Uh huh." Helga said nonchalantly, "Trust me, when you live with Bob long enough, you learn that he's mostly bark and very little bite."

"Well, you'd better hope your grand daddy is the same way." Gerald warned. "I mean, what's your dad told you about him?"

"Exactly squat." Helga said.

"So what does that tell you?" Gerald said forebodingly, "If he never talks about the guy, and if he's as you say _that_ afraid of him… I mean, you sure you don't wanna move back to the boarding house for at least a few days?"

Phoebe and Arnold looked as if they wanted to challenge Gerald's stern warning, but neither of them could deny that any man who struck fear into the heart of Big Bob Pataki was nothing to take lightly. As the air went noticeably quiet around them, Helga considered Gerald's words, and to her own shock she even considered her father's feelings for an uncomfortable moment.

"Guess I should… I dunno, talk to Bob about all this or something?" Helga shrugged.

She then shot a look at Arnold who just reacted with a confused look of his own.

"What are you looking at me for?" he asked.

"Because you're the one who usually says something like 'Aw c'mon, Helga, just get your dad to listen, and if you're open and honest and try talking about your feelings, then everything between you and your dad will be good, and then everything between your dad and grandpa will be sunshine and daisies-"

"I don't talk like that…" Arnold muttered.

Gerald laughed under his breath, "Actually, that was pretty spot on, Helga." he commended, but then shrugged when Arnold gave him a dirty look, "What? I give credit where credit's due… she's really got your number, man."

"Yeah…" Helga said, "Well thanks for the advice, Arnoldo."

"I didn't… give any…" Arnold sighed, "You're welcome, Helga."

Too true, that Helga knew Arnold well enough to predict whatever fortune cookie wisdom he threatened to dispense on most occasions. She loved him for that of course, even if she still publicly reacted with annoyance. Gerald had gotten her thinking now however, and while Helga hadn't been truly afraid of her father in years, she now had to feel slightly on edge thinking of what sort of man could strike genuine terror into his stone heart. For all of Bob's other faults, Helga had to admit to herself she had at least some level of admiration for his strength and apparent fearlessness, a shame he rarely used any of those qualities for her own benefit, but still she couldn't deny that Gerald's warning now had her slightly on edge.

The school day passed slowly, as Helga's eager anticipation to meet this so-called 'Big Pataki' gradually turned into anxiety bordering on outright dread for what he'd be like. At the three thirty bell, she parted ways with her friends, even after Arnold offered to walk her home and help out around the store. She had to give the little guy credit, despite her father making visits to their place as uplifting and fun as a luxury vacation at a North Korean gulag, Arnold still cared enough about her to keep throwing himself into misery's way. No, this was family business, and until she knew what she was in for she didn't want her beloved getting mixed up in any more Pataki problems than she already subjected him to.

When she reached the beeper store she called home she had to plug her nose a full fifty feet away from the place, a powerful fruity aroma stung the inside of her nose and she jumped backwards in shock.

"Bleh!" she retched, but then cautiously sniffed the air around her, "Strawberry… Bob would use strawberry air freshener… maybe Grandpa's allergic too and he's trying to keep him away like a Vampire with garlic…"

Helga shook her head. Owing to her allergies to strawberries, she naturally reacted with disgust and appall whenever getting any whiff of the things, though this smell was artificial so despite her instincts to stay away she knew it wouldn't kill her. Hopefully.

When she fought her way past the strawberry scented perimeter surrounding the emporium like a forcefield, she threw open the glass doors to see Bob now at work on the most elaborate display of beepers and mobile phones she'd ever seen. She never considered her father much of an artist, but he had arranged all the electronics into a large line, creating a huge spiraling pattern ending with the words 'Big Bob's Beepers.' She immediately realized Bob had arranged them like dominos ready to fall… though whether or not he realized this was yet to be determined.

"What do you think?" he asked, "That ought to impress the old fart…" Bob's eyes went wide and he suddenly bit his finger in fear, "Don't tell him I said that… oh god, please don't tell him!"

Helga stepped back as her father fell to his knees pleading with her. She was no fan of Bob the blustery ogre, as she unfavorably referred to him as now and then, but this side of him somehow rubbed her in an even wronger way.

"It's… great, dad." she observed, "So um… wanna fill me in on exactly what all this is about?"

"What? Oh… uh, not now Olga, I've got some numbers to fudge here." Bob said as he scribbled away at the chart tracking the company's sales, "Far as the Big Pataki knows we've been going nowhere but up, got it? That little three hundred some day dip in sales period never happened! We sweep that under the rug and focus on the positive!"

"Yeah, on that note…" Helga said, "The Big Pataki… just wondering… what's he like?"

"Who?" Bob asked.

"The Big Pataki?" Helga repeated, "You know, the guy we were literally just talking about… my grandfather? Your… papa?"

"Papa?" Bob dropped the chart as his eyes bulged out and filled with tears. Repelled by his own sentiment, he smacked himself across the face and returned to his usual scowl. "He's uh… you know like a… like a father figure type who's a… a man. The kind of man you can always trust to… be a man to- look, I don't have time for this now, Olga! Just… go polish the toilet seat or something! Your mom and I already did, but tenth time's the charm, I say!"

Helga groaned, "After all those burritos last night, twenty times might be more fitting…" she retched in disgust again as the smell of strawberries overwhelmed her senses, "You really overdid it on the smell here, Bob… you really think strawberry fields is gonna impress-"

"I knew it!" Bob shouted, as he dropped his chart, "I knew we shoulda made the place smell like beef or napalm or something!"

"What, is he as big a paramilitary nut as you?" Helga snickered.

Bob glared at his daughter, and she instantly tensed up. She hadn't seen him look so deathly serious in quite a while, but now his eyes bored into hers enough to paralyze her in fear.

"Listen Olga, I don't want to hear any sass out of you in front of your grandpa, got it?" Bob warned her, "You wanna know what he's like? He's not like me at all… he's brash, temperamental, overly competitive, and half the time he was so caught up with work that he used to get my name wrong!"

"Gee, how sad for you…" Helga said, rather sardonically.

Before anyone could say another word, a massive shadow cast over the room and Bob and Helga looked over at the glass doors to see a rather imposing silllounte of a man appearing before them.

"He's here early! That cheater! Look alive everybody!" Bob bellowed, "He's here! Red alert! Battle stations! Code…. green…"

The large figure in the door suddenly became clear. Helga internally reacted in slight bemusement at how much her grandfather resembled Mr. Green, the local butcher. Of course, after a few moments of squinting she realized there was a reason for that.

"Mrs. Pataki?" Mr. Green called out in his gravelly voice, "Got your order here."

Appearing from the doorway leading into the kitchen, Miriam approached him and he handed her an enormous sack of what Helga had to assume was meat.

"Aw, thanks Mr. Green." she said, "And at such short notice."

Bob scratched his head in confusion at seeing this.

"What gives?" he asked, "I called you this morning and you said you couldn't cater this short notice!"

Mr. Green looked at Bob with a look of mild contempt, but then he looked back and Miriam and smiled.

"I did." he replied curtly, "And then your wife asked. Nicely, too."

Bob clenched up his fists and set his teeth as rage seethed inside of him. Miriam handed the sack to Helga, which caused her to fall to the floor with its unexpected weight.

"Criminey… did you order an entire cow?" she asked, "Am I supposed to cut this up myself? Isn't that your job, Mr. Green?"

Mr. Green just smiled, and he turned to leave as quickly as possible.

"Pleasure doing business with you, Mrs. Pataki." he said.

Miriam tossed something in Mr. Green's direction and shot him a smile.

"There ya go, one beeper on the house." she said.

"Uh, thanks." Mr. Green said, "I'll be sure to use it for… something… maybe an alarm clock? Can they do that?"

"Heck if I know…" Miriam said with a chortle in her tone.

Mr. Green then ducked out of the store without another word leaving the Patakis in a silent daze for a moment.

"Helga, why don't you just grab a few platters from the kitchen and set this out on the table over there." Miriam instructed. "I know grandpa will just love it…"

"Yeah, yeah, great." Helga finally started shouting, "But before I do that does anyone wanna explain what the heck is going on here? Why's this guy coming here, why are you both acting so weird, and why do I suddenly have a grandfather that neither of you cared to mention until just-"

Helga's words became trapped in her mouth as once again a shadow cast over them. Helga, Miriam and Bob's heads whirred over towards the door and beheld another presence. With the setting of the sun, the figure appearing in the glass doorway only appeared as a silhouette, and a massive one at that, blocking out the sun and making their world feel just a little darker than normal.

"The Big Pataki…" they all murmured in unison.

The doors swung open in a dramatic fashion and Helga fixed her eyes upward. Yet, when the doors opened she found herself staring at nothing, to her own confusion. The gargantuan silhouette in the doorway had disappeared as if from thin air and Helga just stared forward at the pink sky under the sunset. And then gradually, she looked downward and she saw someone standing in the doorway, this time not a figure she recognized, although his face did look rather familiar. She quickly glanced at her mother and father who looked completely frozen in fear at the sight of this man now standing in their doorway, but as Helga looked back at the stranger she felt baffled by their reaction. Her expectation had been an even bigger, badder Bob Pataki but now she just found herself looking at eye level with a shriveled eighty something man version of herself. From his sweater vest to his plaid shorts, this little old man looked like he had just come off the golf course and was ready for a nap. Despite the signature Pataki features, from the billy goat ears, big nose to the heavy brow, the man's petite stature threw Helga for yet another loop. This was the guy Big Bob referred to as 'The Big Pataki' in a hushed and fearful tone, and yet her twelve year old girl frame met him at eye level.

"Papa?" Bob's face went soft as his pent up rage and frustration instantly dissipated at the sight of his father.

"Oh, there she is…" the old man said fawningly at Helga as he approached her with open arms, "The princess…"

Helga froze as the little old man wrapped her in a warm hug. In her twelve years of life she had never felt more confused.

* * *

**Gonna get personal again, my depiction of the Patakis here is loosely based on my mother's side of the family. Compared to my dad's side, I know next to nothing about my mom's side… because there's not much she chooses to tell us. I didn't even meet my grandpa on her side until I was 16 and well… my mom and he never quite buried the hatchet even after he finally came back into our lives. What few details I do know kind of paints that side of my family as functional and happy as the Patakis and how I imagine their extended family are. So yeah, Grandpa Pataki is going to be kind of a caricature of my own grandfather… may he rest in peace. **

**Everyone remembers Bob for his absolute worst qualities (duh), and considering the whole purpose of making him a giant jerk was to give Helga sympathy with audiences I guess there's a reason for that. But of course, HA! gave even the most dislikable characters a lot of depth and humanity (well, okay only some, but Big Bob was among them), and as I rewatched the series I was surprised to see how many actual likable… or at least human moments they gave him. At his worst, yes Bob is kind of the worst, but my goal with this story is to bridge the gap between the more comedic and dare I say warm and likable traits he has, all while keeping his basic boorish jerkiness in tact. Kinda like his daughter.**

**This is all taking a page from the episode 'Big Bob's Crisis'… the episode that showed us Big Bob's naked butt… twice…**

**Also, taking votes now… Bob's mother's name… Big Betty, Big Bess, Big Betsy, what do you think? I thought of a great joke a few days ago… and then it slipped my mind.**


	3. Grandpapy Pataki

**Response to my reviewers!**

**HumanDictionary: Hmm, I like it… I will consider that one. Hilda is NOT REAL in this particular universe… and yet I apparently enjoy referencing her anyway. **

**Anonymous Latino: That's tempting… I really wanted to go with that, but since Helga has no knowledge of Bob's side of the family… darn, still tempting.**

**Kryten: I admit, that reference is completely lost on me and I can't find anything on it. :O **

**DanteVirgil09: Hehe, giving them hell… appropriate word for what I have planned…**

**starwater09: Ah thanks, then it had the desired effect. And yeah, it's gonna go kinda like that… plus Olga is conveniently out of the picture here so no competition for now.**

* * *

**Also RETCON NOTICE… I wrongly thought that in the episode 'Helga and the Nanny' Bob had referred to his 'Papa' and the potato dumplings he used to make… watching it with subtitles I discovered he was saying 'Baba' which means any number of other things in multiple languages including grandma, mom, etc… the name Pataki is Hungarian, but Bob's pretty All-American… so after doing far more research than I ever cared to about the word 'Baba' I decided that's what Bob called his grandma. Good, now no warm memories of his father. So I edited that bit about potato dumplings out of the last chapter which means he has talked about his father to Helga in ZERO depth before. What does that say about him? Well let's see…**

* * *

Chapter 3: Grandpapy Pataki

Helga stood aghast in the embracing arms of the Pataki family's surprisingly skinny little visitor. Her own father's contention from the previous night that he didn't go by 'Big Bob' ironically now sat heavily on her mind. It would have amused her if she wasn't so deeply confused.

"Well color my expectations subverted…" she murmured to herself.

What had she been expecting? Some elderly hominid roughly the size of an upright hippo with a glandular problem and a temper to match its size; that was among the top options she had imagined. This man, by total contrast looked more like a skinnier and shorter version of Arnold's grandfather Phil than what she expected Bob's father to look like. And where Phil looked roughly like a skinny plucked turkey, this man was more of a plucked pigeon. Bob himself had been balding in the back of his head for the last year or so, and now the wrinkled old bald top of his father's head just seemed to confirm what fate had in store for his current head of hair.

Indeed, Grandpa Pataki appeared about as intimidating as a wallaby at first glance. Anyone that her father could refer to as 'big' had to have not only earned such a title, but seized it and held onto it while warding off any competition. She surmised from what little she had to piece together about her extended family structure that the alpha male apparently held the title of 'Big Pataki,' and somehow this shriveled little prune holding her in a warm hug was that alpha male? This was the patriarch of patriarchs holding her gently and lovingly in his arms?

That was another strange thing on top of the man's stature, he instantly exuded warmth just from his mere presence; the sort of warmth Helga's parents had struggled with like a campfire in a rainstorm over the years. About three seconds had passed since he'd wrapped his arms around her, and somehow it felt longer as if the world had just up and stopped turning.

"Um… Grandpapa?" Helga asked tentatively.

The few times she'd ever heard Bob offhandedly mention his father he'd referred to him as his 'papa' and so calling him 'grandpapa' just felt like the next logical step. The old man let her loose from his embrace and just chuckled in response.

"Oh ho, ho, ho… please, just call me 'Papa,' dear." he said, "No need to make an old man feel any older. And you must be… Helga?"

Helga raised her eyebrow and smiled approvingly.

"Got it right on the first try, I'm impressed already." she said.

"Well of course I got it right." he chuckled, "How could anyone not remember such a nice name as that?"

His voice surprised her equally as his stature and general demeanor so far. He sounded old and tired, yes, but with a strange eloquence and softness to his tone, exuding not only warmth now but wisdom as well. As she locked eyes with him she felt strangely comfortable enough to say whatever came to mind now.

"You're… smaller than I expected." Helga stated flatly.

Big Bob's jaw dropped open, and he braced himself for Helga to face swift retribution for a remark like that. His father however just chuckled lightly again and shook his head.

"Oh, we all shrink a little over the years…" he said, and he reached into his pocket to withdraw his wallet. As he opened it, several photos in a plastic accordion case came falling out and he pointed at one.

"There, you see? I used to be a good sized healthy old boy…" he said.

Helga looked at the photo, now seeing in the old black and white photo the sort of monumentally imposing figure she'd expected. She had to repress a snicker when she thought this might be the same devolving path her own father might be headed down, and she suddenly longed for the day Big Bob would shrink to this size.

"Uh… yeah." she said, "And who's that?" she pointed to the smaller figure in the photo.

"That?" her grandfather asked in surprise, "No no, that one is me. The bigger one is your grandmama, Big Bertha Pataki."

"Huh?" Helga gasped.

She squinted her eyes at the photo. Sure enough, a second and closer look revealed the person in question to be Big Bob in a dress.

"Oh… you look just like she did at your age… one day I'm sure you'll grow to be just as lovely as her…"

Helga suddenly let out a short scream in fright at the notion of that dark prophecy from her grandfather.

"Oh, don't be upset. I'm not saying you're not just a perfect picture of loveliness now, dear." he said as he straightened the bow atop Helga's head, "I had the good fortune to see you on that commercial and well… I decided it was finally high time I met my granddaughter."

On that note, Papa Pataki finally turned his attention to Bob and Miriam, who had been curiously quiet and still during his whole conversation with Helga. The two of them stood at attention like a company of soldiers greeting a superior officer as Papa Pataki slowly stepped towards them.

"Miriam." Papa said, "Oh just look at you… every bit as lovely as the last time I saw you all those years ago… when was it?"

"Oh that was uh, that must have been my uh… wedding day." Miriam said, then she looked at Bob, "And uh, his too."

Helga blinked. Had it really been that long since her father had seen his own father? A lot of the time she felt as if she never saw Bob, which was often preferable really, but still at least she did see him every day. While Helga pondered, Papa Pataki finally turned his attention to Bob, and despite being the smallest person in the room he somehow cast a shadow over his son as Bob just looked back at him with big puppy dog eyes.

"Papa?" Bob said at last.

"And you are…?" Papa asked.

Helga couldn't help herself and found her mouth curling into the slightest smile.

"It's me, Papa…" Bob said, sounding slightly pathetic.

"Oh yes, yes that's right… just teasing. Hello there Oliver." Papa said still chuckling as he spoke.

"It's Bob, Papa…" Bob corrected, sounding bitter now.

Bob then leaned back just slightly, and just enough to cause an avalanche by pushing against just one little beeper. The elaborate and intricate arrangement of beepers, all stacked like dominos around the store came tumbling down in an admittedly spectacular extravaganza. One by one the beepers collapsed through spiraling formations until they reached the words 'Big Bob's Beepers,' marking the grand finale. The last beeper in line flew off the counter and flew through the air until it collided with the back of Bob's head. The man now just grinned inanely in his embarrassment, and his father quickly picked up on that.

"Ollie…" Papa scolded, though in a tone suggesting he was talking to a small child.

"It's Bob… Papa…" Bob said.

"Don't correct your father, Papa knows best." his father said softly but firmly.

"Yes sir, sorry sir…" Bob said quietly as Papa's tone apparently did the trick.

"Now, what do we do when we make a mess with our toys?" he asked.

"We clean them up…" Bob muttered.

"That's right, now you just pick up all your toys here while Helga helps me get my luggage inside…" Papa Pataki instructed, continually talking in a quiet but calm and authoritative voice, "Come along, dear. Help this old fellow with his things. And Miriam? I can't wait to see what you've prepared us for dinner tonight."

As Miriam nodded and obligingly headed back to the kitchen, Helga smiled and hopped right to work, for one of a few times in life she felt eager to help out one of her elders. Matching his proportions, Papa Pataki traveled light with only two small suitcases, which Helga just grabbed both of and carried into the emporium. As she passed by Bob who was on the floor diligently picking up all the fallen beepers, she smirked at the sight. She didn't stop and just carried her grandfather's suitcases to the 'master bedroom' where Bob and Miriam normally slept, but were now relinquishing to the 'Big Pataki' for his visit. The room was of course just the emporium's break room; not great accommodations but it at least had a bed and was a step up from Helga's own sleeping bag in the utility closet. She looked back over her shoulder at Bob whose expression betrayed his complete obedience to his father.

"Man… Papa's got one tight psychological grip on Bob…" Helga noted quietly to herself, but then she grinned devilishly, "Heh heh heh… I love it…"

An hour or so later, the four Patakis sat around the boardroom table as they finished their dinner. Few words had been exchanged during the whole meal, apart from Helga asking Papa the occasional question while Bob and Miriam remained quiet.

"This is incredible…" Helga said, "All this time and I never even knew anything about you. Where are you from, Papa?"

"Oh I came from Hell." Papa said.

Helga's eyes widened as she blinked in slight disbelief. Her grandfather however just laughed in amusement.

"Hell Michigan." he clarified, "That is where I lived before Grandmama and I raised our family in North Dakota, but I've moved back to Hell to get in touch with my roots now that I'm retired."

As he wiped his mouth with his napkin, Papa Pataki smiled and sighed contentedly.

"Miriam, that was the most adequate meal I've had in a long time." he almost complimented, "I see why Bobby here has grown into such a good sized boy."

"So uh…" Bob spoke up at last, "As you can see, Big Bob's Beepers is still here after all this time! I built this place up from the ground, and now we're-"

"What?" Papa asked sounding uninterested, "Yes, yes fine, Bobby. I'm sure this little place does just fine… though I do have to wonder…"

"There's nothing to wonder about, Pop," Bob insisted, "We've crushed all the competition in Hillwood! No one else even sells beepers in this whole stinking city because they know that I'm the king!"

Papa looked completely unimpressed, and he reacted as such.

"Yes. Yes, that must be the reason that there's no competition in the beeper business anymore…" Papa sighed, "You're not living here because your house is being renovated, that much I can tell."

"Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey! The housing market is nuts right now, and all this lousy gentrification around the neighborhood has prices going through the roof! Living here is just good business sense!" Bob declared, "I'm just being frugal."

"Only because you have no money..." Helga muttered.

"We are NOT on our fifth mortgage!" Bob impulsively shouted as he slammed his fist down.

"Indoor voice, Bobby." Papa said, taking a sip of his tea.

"Yes sir. Sorry sir…" Bob said quietly.

Papa smiled as he looked around the room and then looked back at his granddaughter. Helga didn't recognize the look in his eye, but if she had to put a label on it she'd probably call it… adoration? Or some such thing?

"Big Bob's Beepers." Papa noted, "A little on the nose, don't you think? Did you give yourself that nickname? I certainly never gave it to you. 'Big Bob' and now the 'Beeper King' too?"

Bob just continued to sink downward in his chair as his daughter and father kept chuckling at his expense.

"You haven't asked how your brother is doing." Papa said.

Helga choked on her water in her shock and spat it out.

"Brother?" she asked, "He has a brother now, too?"

"Why, your father hasn't told you about your uncle Oliver?" Papa asked, "Oh he's doing extremely well for himself out in... well, we can discuss that later. I haven't heard from him in a while but last I checked I think he bought himself a castle. One fit for a real king..."

Bob's brow furrowed, and he looked ready to curse in anger, but he just sat quietly and seethed.

"Still, this place is indeed a castle, of sorts." Papa said, "But only because a princess lives here."

Helga feigned sheepishness at her grandfather's flattery, and she returned his smile with glee.

"Oh go on…" Helga said, "Seriously, go on. I'd like to soak up all the praise I can get around here. It comes around so seldom..."

Papa turned his head back to Bob and Miriam whose eyes were darting nervously around the room now.

"No praise for a princess?" Papa said, sounding just mildly appalled.

"Well just wait now…" Miriam said feebly, "We uh… remembered her birthday this year. And we made her the Beeper Princess… that's something…."

"Oh dear dear me…" Papa sighed as he shook his head, "Helga, dear? Why don't I take you out tomorrow? We could spend the whole day together and get to know each other."

"It's a… school day." Helga said, not fully believing herself. "Not saying that I'm not willing to cut or anything but…"

"Ah yes, of course." Papa sighed, "Well, good for you, young lady. Getting an education and all. How about I pick you up from school and I'll take you shopping?"

"Shopping?" Helga asked in bewilderment, "For what?"

"Why, for whatever your heart desires." he said, "You are of course the princess of this castle, and I think the princess deserves the royal treatment, especially if the king can't be bothered."

Helga blinked, and could have sworn she heard the sound of a cash register and just assumed that her pupils had momentarily turned into dollar signs.

"You mean… any and all of the stuff I want?" she asked cautiously.

"Any and all of the stuff you want." Papa affirmed.

"I love stuff!" Helga exclaimed.

"Well of course you do!" Papa laughed, "I love stuff too."

Helga leapt out of her chair and wrapped her arms around her grandfather as she sighed happily.

"So much in common…" she said, "I feel so close to you already…"

"Of course, of course, dear." Papa said as he patted the top of her head.

Bob and Miriam remained unnaturally quiet as the scene unfolded before them. Both of them wanted to say something, but the kind of quiet authority wielded by The Big Pataki had them completely cowed.

Helga meanwhile mused silently to herself internally. She couldn't help but privately doubt this man and Bob were even related; she hadn't even heard so much as a 'criminey' out of Papa yet. As she thought about it, she realized she didn't care and her internal monologue started up.

_Oh… what an unforeseen welcome twist of fate… that there could be but one Pataki in this cold dark world that could be not an ember but a flame of warmth and comfort. Truly this 'Papa' thought short of stature towers above the rest of the heard, standing out as…_

… the best grandpa in the whole world…" Helga finished her little monologue aloud for those present to hear.

"Best grandpa in the whole world?" Gerald asked.

Helga glanced around, now finding herself in school surrounded by her friends, as if she had just undergone a scene transition in the midst of her speech, were her life taking place on a TV series or something of the sort.

"That's what I said, Geraldo." Helga asserted.

Gerald looked at Arnold and cracked a little half smile at the notion.

"You sure?" Gerald pressed, "I mean, Arnold's grandpa does set a pretty high bar."

"Yeah, but does your grandpa buy you whatever you want?" Helga asked.

Arnold shrugged, "Well, not exactly… I mean, he does his best but-"

"Sorry, that clinches it." Helga sighed, "Soon as the bell rings he's taking me out to spoil the living crap out of me…" she sniffled, "I thought I'd never see the day…"

Phoebe too stood present, listening eagerly to Helga's news, though her apparent aspiration to let her grandfather spoil her sounded just a little concerning to her. She had known longer than any of the others the full picture of Helga's unharmonious home life, a major factor in how she had managed to be so endlessly patient and forgiving of Helga's past abuse towards her. A part of her felt happy for her oft neglected friend, now apparently having someone in her family heaping attention on her, and yet by the same token she did wonder if going too far to the other extreme might do more harm than help.

"Well, I think it's great that you and your grandfather have hit it off so easily, and that you're going to get to spend time with him but-"

"Feebs?" Helga cut her off, as if reading her mind, "Just let me have this one. Just for today."

"Alright…" Phoebe relented, "Letting…"

When the three thirty bell at last rang, and the kids of PS118 poured out of the doors into the streets, Helga and her friends scanned the street for her ride. Her friends were eager to see this man for themselves, and even more so now that Helga had invalidated Gerald's fears about him being a Bigger Badder Bob Pataki.

"Isn't that your family's car?" Gerald pointed to the large olive colored vehicle parked at the corner.

"Well who else drives a hummer anymore?" Phoebe asked.

As the companions approached the vehicle the passenger window rolled down, and they could just barely see the head of Grandpapa Pataki poking up from the driver side.

"Dad let you use his hummer?" Helga asked in slight surprise.

"Let me?" Papa asked with a laugh, "Lovely as she is witty, my granddaughter. Come now, princess. Your chariot awaits."

Helga gestured to Arnold, Phoebe and Gerald before she made a move for the door.

"These are my friends, Papa," she said, "Phoebe here's my best friend, we go way back, that's Gerald, and this is…"

She paused, suddenly not knowing just how much to share about her connection to Arnold.

"… and this is Football Hea- I mean, Arnold. His name's Arnold. He's a… real close pal… yeah." she giggled uncomfortably, turning pinkish.

Despite their slight discomfort, all three of her friends just smiled politely and waved at the man. Helga looked back at her grandfather and saw the corner of his mouth twisting into a very small hint of a smile as he looked them over. He blinked, and then after looking at them quietly for a moment he just waved slightly.

"What an... eclectic bunch." he said at last, "Hello there little ones, sorry but I must be taking Helga now. Good day."

With a simple wave to her friends, Helga jumped into the car and it sped off leaving Arnold, Phoebe and Gerald just staring at its wake.

"He seemed… pleasant." Phoebe said quietly. "More so than her father, at least…"

"I still think she might be overselling it saying he's the 'best grandpa in the world''" Gerald said.

Arnold just continued to stare in silence in the direction Helga and her grandfather had left. He felt something tugging at his mind; an uncomfortable feeling he didn't quite recognize. Some deep instinct just wouldn't let him shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right about all this.

Gerald apparently noticed Arnold's anxiety and asked, "So... I'm not the only one who got a major creep vibe from that guy? I mean... he's Helga's grandpa, I guess she'd have to get it from somewhere, but still... my skin is crawling..."

* * *

**At first I fully intended to make Bob's father just a bigger, brasher a**hole than him… but then I figured that was too obvious and went for something else…**

**I've heard many people wrongly refer to Helga as passive aggressive. Nah… she's just plain aggressive.**

**All great suggestions for Big Bob's mom's name, and my thanks goes out to everyone, but… Big Bertha just felt so right even if it was obvious, so congratulations Kryten. The WWI connection was what convinced me, since Bob's so militaristic, I figure that must run in the family. More on that in coming chapters…**

**Another audience poll... what infuriating successful vocation do you suppose Bob's older 'perfect' brother Oliver is in that got him the funds to buy an actual castle? ****I almost named him George and then would've made some vague reference to him being in politics... but I decided nah, needs to sound just a little like Olga... with the 'Ol' if nothing else.**

**Until next time, favorite and comment! Or Pappa Pataki will spoil you rotten! ... and then you'll... think you're happy, but be sad inside, maybe.**


	4. Helga's Grand Day Out

**Response to my reviewers…**

**EnvytheSkunk: Glad you enjoyed! Yeah, life never quite gives Helga anything for free… and her Uncle Oliver will be… well, you'll all see soon… maybe.**

**HumanDictionary: Yeah, in his case it'll be several things, but with one big thing in particular as we'll soon see… though I like the idea of him owning the Jolly Olly franchise… hmm…**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numba i: As of TJM he still had both cars, and I haven't had him sell either of them yet. And if he did, I figure the hummer would be the one he'd keep.**

**Kryten: Yep. That is why it won out. I had considered Bertha but I thought it seemed too obvious… until you reminded me of the heavy-duty military hardware and… yeah, that just seems so Pataki I couldn't not name her that. **

**Papa? Diet racism? I'm sure he'd just call himself… old fashioned… or traditional… in all sorts of ways. Just wait till you hear what he has to say in this chapter…**

**starwater09: Yep. I'm taking a page from my own extended family… many of whom I never even knew existed until I was well into high school… like my parents were trying to protect me from certain things…**

**Guest: Haha, I had thought about Cotton just a little bit when thinking up Papa Pataki… and yeah, he is kind of the exact opposite.**

**I'M BACK. Thanks to everyone for reviewing and for the many private anonymous messages I got asking me to keep this one going. I'm glad everyone seems to be enjoying this one! Sorry I've been way slower with getting new chapters out lately. I've got this story fully mapped out I just haven't had much time to devote to it. I should even have the next chapter out by tonight or tomorrow if all goes well.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Helga's Grand Day Out**

As she sat in the passenger seat of her father's hummer, which had been hijacked by his father, Helga reflected on every lame chick flick she'd ever sat through in her young life. She much preferred action or horror films, and yet she recalled in many chick flicks there seemed to be a shopping montage wherein heroine would be treated to a shopping spree by some parental figure trying to reconnect with her. Sure, most movies were about rich kids who didn't realize how rich they were, and while Helga's family had never been wealthy per se they'd at least been well off enough to live comfortably and well above the means off most of her classmates.

Being dragged through the mud during her father's time of struggle had put everything into sharp perspective, and Helga felt little need to complain about her previous life again, at least with regard to all the comforts of home she once enjoyed. Yet, even in those days, living in their nice townhouse Helga had always been the overlooked younger sibling and even if she hadn't been a fan of those sort of chick flicks sitting on her mind and punishing her now, there was always that small part of her that secretly longed for that shopping montage; being treated like a princess by her parents if only for a day. The only semblance of that ever happening was the time Bob had taken her out shopping… for his own personal needs. But then of course he'd tried to make it up to her by buying her tickets… to a show she had no interest in seeing. Bob's efforts were always textbook 'too little too late,' yet some tiny part of her always wished that some day she'd have that chance to reconnect with her father and he'd take her out and treat her for the day.

Of course, she wasn't going to hold her breath waiting for that dream to come true, for if she had then she'd have suffocated years ago. Still, for all of Bob's inadequacy as a father, she now at least saw a chance to connect with some kind of father figure in the form of her newfound grandpa. Helga was no fool and saw that her own dad didn't have an easy relationship with the man, but from all she'd seen so far she pegged Bob for being the unreasonable one. Papa Pataki just came across so wise, caring and giving compared to Bob, and Helga just didn't see how he could have turned out a man like her father.

And now she was ready to let the old man spoil her rotten.

"Bob must've been a lousy son, huh?" she mused.

"What was that, dear?" Papa Pataki asked.

"Huh?" Helga realized she'd thought out loud, "Nothing… I said the dog must have been a drowsy one, huh?"  
Papa looked at her and smiled, "I didn't even tell you about the dog… yes, well if by drowsy you mean when we had to… put him down. That was after a long full life of being a good hunting dog of course…"

"Uh huh." Helga said, not sounding interested as she focused on her mental shopping list.

"Did your dad ever get you a pet, Helga?" he asked.

"Huh? Oh. I've got a lizard." she said, "I mean, it doesn't live with us exactly. The city is its kennel, I say."

"Lizard?" Papa asked, and then shook his head, "Not the sort of pet I'd expect a little girl to keep."

"What? Offering to buy me a lap dog or some such thing?" Helga laughed.

"As I say, whatever your heart desires, princess." Papa beamed.

"Where are we going, anyway?" Helga asked.

"Oh that new fancy mega mall that just opened." Papa said.

"What new fancy mega mall?" Helga asked in sudden surprise, "And how did I not know about-"

As they pulled up to the mall, Helga had to do a double take. It wasn't the one she and Olga had occasionally gone to in past, but an establishment far too shiny and new looking for the likes of Hillwood.

"Huh?" she squinted at the enormous multi story shopping complex, having never seen this particular one before. "When the heck did they build that-"

Then she spotted the sign reading 'Scheck Mallplex' and her jaw fell open.

"Something the matter?" Papa Pataki asked.

"They went ahead and built this thing!?" she shouted, "Wha- when did- how? I thought-"

The eponymous Mr. Scheck himself had been arrested for his criminal conspiracy to destroy the old neighborhood over two years ago, on top of his multiple counts of attempted homicide, and yet it seemed Future Tech Industries had gotten along just fine with him running things from his prison cell, Helga had to imagine. That was to say nothing of how he'd tried to screw Big Bob's Beepers out of more than half its profits.

"Oh, your uncle Ollie said we should see this place." Papa said, "He's a big shareholder with Future Tech."

Helga could feel her stomach sink momentarily, wondering how much her grandfather knew about her involvement with the incident that had gotten Scheck arrested.

"No trouble after that whole uh… thing where their president and CEO went to what's it called… jail?" Helga asked, figuring if Papa had seen Big Bob's latest ad then surely that_ incident _of two years ago must have made some national news.

"Oh, never you mind any of that." Papa chuckled, "The company is doing just fine under their new leadership, and look they finally got this project off the ground after that little setback. Now, come along dear."

As they pulled into the parking garage, Papa brought the hummer to a stop and gestured for Helga to follow.

"Well, I just hope they didn't level some other neighborhood to put this up…" Helga muttered, but then managed to compartmentalize her thoughts and dropped any worry about the past for the moment.

"Oh, well. C'mon! Let's do this thing!"

And side by side with her grandfather, the normally angsty and bitter Helga gleefully set off with him for what she anticipated would be an unforgettable outing, and more importantly to end up with a mountain of free stuff.

Far away from the mall, at the beeper emporium, Big Bob all the while had been leaning against the glass display case, holding an impressive new collection of smartphones as his latest customer probed him with questions he could barely answer.

"Have you got the nine in?" the man asked.

"Nine?" Bob scratched his head, "It's a phone, not a number. You dial numbers on it… don't ask me how, I can't figure that out with that one stinking button."

"I mean, I know the nine just came out, and I was hoping to find it at a lower price so I came here and not to the-"

"Yeah, that's right. You came here. And you've been here for a whole freaking hour just staring at junk! Just buy something and you can spend your whole life staring at the freaking screen away from here!"

Miriam appeared behind Bob and pushed him aside, treating their patron with a far more helpful and friendly smile than her husband's scowl.

"Why don't you go check the loading dock, B? I'll tend to this gentleman here." she insisted. "We just got a new shipment in, sir and I think we might just have what you're looking for."

"Oh thank goodness… the Beeper Queen." the man said approvingly as he smiled at Miriam, then he shot Bob a dirty look and said, "Much more user friendly than the old… what was it? Beeper King?"

Miriam laughed warmly, despite the dig at Bob right to his face.

"Oh, you're such a kidder!" she laughed, "Now why don't you just walk me through what exactly you're looking for, while the king here goes and takes care of some other royal duties on the loading dock?"

"Now hold on a minute," Bob said, putting his foot down proverbially and literally, "This is still _my_ business, and I'm the one who gives-"

Before he even knew what was happening, Bob found himself unloading boxes onto the dock at the back of the store, wondering how he'd even gotten there so fast.

"-orders… around… here. Criminey, that woman is efficient when she wants to be…" he muttered to himself.

Indeed, Miriam had taken command and put him to work for her faster than he could even register. He took another deep bitter swallow of his own pride as he set to work, just thankful that his father hadn't been there to see it. After he unloaded and stacked boxes of all the new incoming merchandise, Bob heaved over and slowly tried to catch his breath.

"Aw, B…" Miriam's voice came again, "There, you see? Now if you just did all that stacking every day, maybe took up a little jogging and some yoga you might just-"

"Ah, don't start with that!" Bob roared, "I've barely put on a hundred pounds since the last kid we had!" he then had to pause to wheeze just a bit as he rested his hands on his knees.

"Come on, B." Miriam urged, "We just want you to live a long and healthy life."

"I won't if my old man sticks around much longer…" Bob shuttered, "Where is the hateful old fossil anyway?"

"He took Helga shopping, remember?" Miriam said. "Said he was gonna 'spoil her rotten' for the day.'"

"Oh… right." Bob sighed, "Stole the hummer and everything… I don't like it, Miriam. Him spending time with the girl… he might start to corrupt her."

Miriam wasn't sure how seriously Bob had meant that, nor how unaware he was of just how corrupting he'd been towards the girl throughout her young life.

"Well B, maybe your father has just done a little soul searching over the years," Miriam said, "Maybe he feels bad that you lost touch and he just wants to-"

"Aw criminey, you're talking like that Asher kid that Olga hangs around nowadays…" Bob muttered. "I knew trying to milk him for more ideas wasn't gonna work…"

Two names gotten wrong in one sentence; Bob had outdone himself.

"His name is Arnold, Bob." Miriam said, fawning fondly over the boy, "He's such a nice boy, oh and he's made Helga so much less grouchy than she used to be…"

"My point stands: Patakis never change!" Bob roared. "Not my Papa, not Helga, and definitely not me!"

"Aw, B… don't be silly, you've made some changes for the better." Miriam teased her husband as he just kept seething. Suddenly a look of what could only be described as raw terror came over Bob and he looked at Miriam with pleading eyes.

"Don't tell him that…" Bob insisted, "As far as he knows, I'm the same Olly I've always been!"

"Bob…?" Miriam asked.

"What?" Bob asked.

"You're the same Bob you've always been." Miriam corrected again, but had apparently lost him completely.

"That's what I said, Miriam." Bob groaned, "Sheesh, you gotta learn to listen."

Two hours flashed by Helga not unlike the shopping montage scenes in the dumb movies she had in mind. Now Papa held the door open for her as she stepped out of the department store back out into the crowded mall hallway. She looked back at Papa who was carrying several shopping bags full of new clothes, shoes and other accessories Helga had picked out for herself. At Papa's urging she'd gone for only the most elaborate and feminine looks possible, after discouraging the more androgynous urban styles she had gone for. The old man then insisted on both carrying everything and still holding doors for his 'little lady,' which Helga wasn't accustomed to but welcomed the gesture.

"And where shall we go next, princess?" he asked.

"Hmm…" Helga's eyes drifted over to a nearby parlor, "How about over there? Can I get a tattoo?"

"Can you- what?" Papa gasped in surprise.

"Oh nothing offensive… just a big flaming skull with 'H heart A' in the center? I just need you to tell them I'm twenty-one and all…" she asked, "Um… please?"

Papa looked at her in mild shock, and so she just shook her head.

"Nah, nah, I get it… still too young." she sighed, "It'll be another year or two before I can start faking twenty-one convincingly, huh?"

"Helga dear…" Papa took her hand, "You'd ruin this perfectly good complexion of yours with… ink? That's very beneath a young lady of your social standing…"

"How about a piercing or two?" Helga asked, "Not the ears… to obvious. How about a nice septum piercing? Give myself one of those big bull ring things? Man, it's great to have a loving elder who would do-"

"Not just everything…" Papa finished, "Come on now let's-"

"Hold that thought," Helga said as she spotted a magazine rack, carrying new issues of all her usual favorites. As she brushed her fingers along several publications, she grabbed a copy of one of her favorite wrestling magazines, which earned a startled gasp from her grandpa yet again.

"Oh, Helga dear… what's a young lady doing reading trash like that?" he sighed, "How about something more like this?"

Papa held up a copy of 'Pre-Teen Miss,' which sent shivers down Helga's spine for a moment. Papa had been pushing her in certain directions since they'd arrived at the mall, but given how understandably little he knew about her, she could forgive him for just thinking of her as just another 'girl' into 'girl' things. Helga had to privately admit to herself that for all her tomboyish ways, she didn't exactly dress the part, so how could Papa really know?

"Aw, Papa." she said with a smile, "There's so much for you to learn about me… but first, I wanna hear all about you too."

Papa looked at her searchingly for a moment, and despite a raised eyebrow he smiled back at her and nodded.

"An excellent suggestion, dear." he said.

"Great, then let's go talk over food. I'm famished…" Helga said as she tugged at his arm and lead him towards the food court.

Papa Pataki went off get them both food while Helga sat at a table, eagerly anticipating the number of embarrassing stories she could hear about her father as a kid. Her heart soared for a moment when she saw her grandfather returning to her with a big juicy looking cheesesteak, but then it abruptly sank when he placed it down on his side of the table and handed her a small salad.

"Uh… I thought that one was for-"

"What?" Papa Pataki laughed, "Oh, don't be silly, princess. A dainty little thing like yourself couldn't eat this whole thing."

"Try me." Helga huffed, assuming him to be joking.

"Oh come now," Papa insisted, "This is the sort of thing for young girls, not this."

He pushed the salad towards her. Helga wasn't sure of what to say. Had Bob pulled something like that, she'd have just fought him on it. Papa Pataki wielded a much quieter authority than Big Bob's brand of shouting over everyone, and to her amazement it was effective. Next thing she knew she found herself quietly gagging on her salad while she watched him eating the meal she coveted. It annoyed her for a moment, as she began to suspect him of being not quite the caring grandparent she had assumed him to be, but as she thought about it, she had to quietly admit to herself that he was pushing the healthier option on her. Perhaps he was just doing this out of love. That had to be it. At least he'd brought her a Yahoo soda with it, so there was some small silver lining at least.

"So, Pops…" she began.

"Don't talk with your mouth full." he said softly but sharply.

"Right, sorry…" Helga swallowed before continuing, "What's the deal anyway? Why never so much as a letter or a even a Christmas card in all this time?"

"Oh, I've indeed sent Christmas cards." Papa insisted, "I don't know if they ever made it from your father to you, but I have kept in contact. I just hope I can reconnect with the boy while I'm here."

"You don't say…" Helga pondered, "Then what's the deal with my dad? How come you two are… so…"

"Oh, your father is rather headstrong and somewhat unreasonable as you probably know." Papa said, "He walked out on the family long ago. I suppose I'm partly to blame for that…"

Helga felt surprised. Was Papa really going to be this forthcoming with the big dirty family secrets?

"Little Bobby just never felt he could measure up to his brother Oliver." Papa sighed, but then he smiled, "But then, Oliver is my most prized accomplishment in life. I'm not one to laud mediocrity. I suppose that's why he went so far from home out here… well, that and other reasons… pursuing his dreams and all."

Helga smiled. The thought of Big Bob struggling to win his father's affection, but being outshines by his older brother constantly brought twisted feelings of warm schadenfreude to her heart. Of course, Bob had chased his dream of just being a successful businessman and having his ego inflated to the max. A shame it all had to burst. Helga didn't see her father as much of a dreamer beyond that.

"Yeah well, that's how he was with us." Helga said sourly, "I'm sure you'd just love Olga…"

A strange look came over Papa's face and he set down his food.  
"Olga?" he asked.

"Yeah, you know the one who's been winning at everything in life since she was out of diapers? And probably before that too… I'm sure she won some trophy for 'cleanest diapers' or something by age one…"

"Ah yes, I had heard about the infamous Olga…" Papa sighed, "She sounds just a little too perfect to be believed, really."

Helga could feel her heart soar. Sure, something did feel slightly wrong about her grandpa badmouthing a granddaughter he'd apparently never met, but who cared? The grandchild in question was Olga!

"And where is Olga exactly?" Papa asked.

"Oh, back to grad school." Helga sighed, "She dropped out for a while, but naturally she was able to just charm her way back in… catch up on a months work of coursework in a week, and by now she's probably written a full thesis on-"

"Grad school…" Papa sighed with a distinct note of disapproval in his voice, "Olga… oh the young lady really shouldn't be worried about all this schooling, or launching a career… is she married?"

Helga blinked. That was an odd thing to bring up apropos of nothing, but then again, Papa knew nothing about their family owing to Bob apparently distancing himself from the rest of the Pataki clan, so it was only natural for him to be curious.

"No." Helga said.

"Engaged?" Papa asked.  
"Not recently." Helga laughed, "She was for a little bit but… well, that got the kibosh put on it. Don't ask me how…"

"Ah, what a shame." Papa shook his head, "It's a harsh and unforgiving world that can be very difficult on a single young woman. She ought to get married and soon."

Helga snickered, "Ah, she won't have any trouble in that department. There's a waiting list for guys who'd wanna marry her."

"And what about you, Helga dear?" he asked.

"Huh?" Helga dropped her fork, "Me? Married? What? I'm-"

"Yes, yes, I suppose you are a bit on the young side." Papa laughed warmly, "Forgive me… I'm from another time. When I was a boy we lived for today and got married as soon as we could."

"Well yeah, there was a world war and all…" Helga said, though not entirely sure which one Papa was old enough to have served in. "So… you're a veteran then?"

"My dear, we don't call ourselves the 'Greatest Generation' for nothing." he chuckled. "But no, I realize you're a little young for all of that…" Then a sparkled in his eye set Helga on edge,; the sort of mischievous look she recognized in herself, "do you have a boyfriend?" He asked.

Helga couldn't even hide this as she abruptly turned red. Papa took immediate notice.

"Aha!" he chuckled again, in a loving sort of way, "Well of course you do, a lovely little thing like yourself."

Helga squirmed and shrugged her shoulders before nodding reluctantly.

"Yeah… yeah, I sorta do I guess…" she admitted, "Since last summer. It's taken me half the year to be upfront about it with people but yeah, I'm getting there…"

"Oh, well that's nice…" Papa said.

Then another strange look crossed Papa's weathered old face as he looked at her searchingly again. These looks were beginning to feel almost as intrusive as some of his questions. Helga had to keep reminding herself that this man was family, and he just wanted to know about her. Still, the question forming on his face filled her with a certain uneasiness.

"Your boyfriend…" Papa said somewhat solemnly, "It wasn't one of those two boys I saw you with earlier was it?"

Helga smirked, and decided to have a little fun with him.

"Maybe…" she said with a grin, "Let's see if you can guess which one…"

Papa's face seemed to turn to stone as he looked at her.

"It wasn't the… tall one, was it?" he asked.

"Geraldo? Nah, he's not my type." Helga laughed, raising her straw to her mouth to take a long swig of her Yahoo Soda.

"Oh." Papa said, leaning back in his chair sounding oddly relieved for a moment, but then his brow went up as he asked, "That other one then… the little… Scottish Jewish boy?"

Helga's soda abruptly came shooting out of her nose as she coughed in surprise.  
"Scottish… wha? Huh?" Helga choked out.

"Well, it was just that kilt and all." Papa said.

"Those are his shirttails…" Helga said as she struggled to figure out what had lead Papa to that assumption, "And… that hat he wears? It's a baseball cap, it's just really really small."

"Oh…" Papa said, "And here I thought that was a skull cap or some such thing."

Helga smirked again.  
"I mean, it is ridiculously small on him for a baseball cap, I'll grant you." she laughed, "But that's just because… well, long family story behind that thing. Let's not get off topic, let's keep talking Pataki. The whole extended family is a mystery to me."

"Oh come now, you don't know about your cousins, even?" Papa asked.

"I have cousins now, too!?" Helga gasped.

"Why of course…" Papa withdrew his wallet and the photos in the accordion case falling out into view.

"Here's your cousin Olaf and his little brother Helmer, there's Olivia and her little sister Hellen, Orlando and Henry, Ophelia and Hilda, Othello and Hamlet…"

"You are pulling my leg here, right?" Helga cut in.

"Ho ho!" Papa laughed, "Has your father really told you nothing about your family, dear?"

"Nada." Helga confirmed. "Basically all I know is that he calls you 'The Big Pataki.'"

Papa burst into laughter at that notion.

"Oh yes… that… that's just an old family tradition of sorts. I suppose I am the family's 'Big Pataki..'" he said, "Just what we refer to the leader of the family as."

"And some day it'll be passed to Uncle Ollie I assume?" Helga asked.

"Oh the title isn't passed on." Papa said somewhat grimly as he clenched his fist, "It has to be taken. It's more than a title, it's more of a… declaration of superiority. And so far neither of your brothers have done that… though they do try. Oliver is pretty close though… much closer than your father."

Helga had always just assumed her father to be a consummate narcissist, naming his business after himself and slapping his name on just about everything else he could take credit for. Was that all really an attempt to seize power in his family by acting so superior all the time?

"How about Uncle Ollie?" Helga asked, "What's his deal? Does he run his own business too?"

"Your father runs _a _business." Papa said slightly smugly, "Oliver runs… several. He's carved out quite the little media empire, just to name one."

Helga's eyes widened.

"Don't tell me it's called-"  
"The Pataki Press." Papa said, "Of course that's but one small division… he's had a successful run as a television producer as well-"  
"How do I not know this!?" Helga shouted.

"Indoor voice, dear." Papa shushed her.

"Right… sorry…" Helga said.

"You look a bit stressed." Papa said, "Why don't we take you on over to the spa to soothe your nerves-"

Before Papa could even finish, he found himself being dragged by the wrist again by Helga's firm grasp leading him off towards the spa down the hall.

"Rest and relaxation here I come!" Helga shouted.

A little while later, the soothing smells of the aromatherapy filled Helga's senses as she relaxed in the lap of luxury, courtesy of Papa Pataki. A full afternoon of being treated to every material thing her little heart desired had culminated at the spa. The facility was decorated in some ancient Roman theme, with marble statues of gods and heroes surrounding the baths, and all the staff wore togas. The coconut drinks being served weren't exactly accurate, Helga noted privately but she was going to complain. Of course, Helga had never been one to enjoy this sort of 'girl' treatment, but she did relish feelings of power, and what could give a more powerful feeling than having her feet massaged by one attendant, while another one poured her a drink into a half coconut shell, a third one filed her nails, and a fourth one plucked grapes from a cluster and hand fed her.

"I could get used to this kind of hospitality…" Helga sighed happily.

"Shame it has to be wasted on you." a familiar voice came from over to her left.

Helga's head snapped in the direction of the prissy voice and locked eyes… well, not eyes, she locked her own eyes with cucumbers covering the facial masked girl looking in her direction.

"Rhondaloid…" Helga muttered, "What are you doing- wait, stupid question… you're probably here every day."

"Please." Rhonda huffed, as the cucumbers fell from her face, revealing her hostile eyes, "Do you think I'm just some kind of pampered, elitist brat who gets to do this whenever she wants?"

Helga looked at her blankly, opting for a silent answer to that particular question. Rhonda held in one hand a half coconut with a straw sticking out, which she then took a swig from and sighed contentedly.

"I'll have you know this is only my Monday, Wednesday, Friday routine." she continued, "Oh… and Saturday Sunday if it's ever necessary. I do just get so stressed out sometimes without an extra little visit here…"

Helga smirked.

"Must be torture for you…" she said, "Having to spend that much time without taking any selfies."

"Oh, I've got people to do that for me." Rhonda then shouted over at one of the staff, "Hey, you! Chop, chop!"

Without missing a beat, a nearby spa attendant withdrew Rhonda's phone she had apparently been keeping handy. As Rhonda posed, the attendant held the device up to her face and took the 'selfie' for her.

"Man, you're even outsourcing selfie taking now, huh?" Helga remarked.

"The kind of power that comes from being A Lloyd, too true." Rhonda sighed, "What about you? I thought your family was too poo- proud for this sort of thing? That is, I thought you hated this kind of 'girl' stuff, Helga?"

Helga raised an eyebrow. Rhonda sounded surprisingly nonjudgmental, despite almost having called her 'poor,' but instead she sounded genuinely interested. As she paused to reflect, Helga now found herself equally interested in just what she was doing here. Even as she entered her teenage years Helga still didn't care for 'girly' stuff the likes of manicures and facials, but something about it all being laid at her feet just felt right to her.

"I can take or leave the 'girl' treatment…" Helga replied, but then she looked over to another spa attendant holding a tray of coconut drinks. Helga snapped her fingers and received a replacement for her now empty drink.

"But I'm liking this whole power thing…" she said with a grin as she sipped from the straw.

Rhonda considered for a moment.

"Really, Helga!" Rhonda said approvingly, "And here I thought you were just a disgusting little commoner…"

"And here I thought you were so useless you needed your own food chewed for you." Helga shot back.

The two of them glared at one another, then they both started to laugh uncomfortably. The two of them were more or less in the same circle of friends, but neither of them really thought of each other as 'friends' per se, more like 'frenemies' at best.

"Perhaps I've misjudged you, Helga." Rhonda said, "You know, it does get just a little lonely here… no one else from school can afford this three to five times a week. And clearly if you're here, then your dad's business must be bouncing back… maybe you and I could be…"  
"Friendly acquaintances here away from judging eyes?" Helga finished for her.

"That's exactly what I was thinking!" Rhonda said in delight, "Oh Helga, welcome to the easy life. Don't worry, the secret of you enjoying the girly treatment is safe with me…"

Rhonda raised her coconut and the two girls toasted their little machiavellian alliance. Helga knew full well this was a 'keep your enemies closer' sort of scenario, as Rhonda just likely didn't like the idea of their classmates knowing anyone but her could afford this kind of amenity. Still, she felt a twinge of a connection with Rhonda, who had been spoiled like this all her life whereas Helga was just getting started, and she couldn't deny she liked the feeling, so she couldn't entirely resent Rhonda for it.

After an hour or so, Rhonda and Helga both departed the spa room, both glowing and refreshed. Rhonda looked Helga over and sighed.

"You really should have taken them up on the… eyebrow plucking." Rhonda said.

"I use it to scare off attacking bears…" Helga growled as she demonstrated by furrowing her brow, "Or yuppies… whichever gets in my face."

Rhonda winced slightly, but then she laughed.

"Oh, Helga… you're too funny." she sighed, "There's hope for you yet."

"Princess?" a man's voice cut in, grabbing both girls' attention.

"Yes?" Rhonda asked, reflexively assuming that title was directed at her.

To her surprise she saw an old man she'd never seen before looking in their direction.

"Hey Pops." Helga greeted him, "Rhonda? This is my grandpa."

"You have a grandpa?" Rhonda asked.

"Right? That's what I said." Helga laughed, "Pops, this is Rhondaloid- uh, I mean Wellington Lloyd."

Looking her over, Papa seemed to be silently judging yet again, although this time he smiled in genuine approval.

"There, now that's the sort of friend you want to keep, princess." Papa encouraged, "Someone classy, from a good family, good breeding and all that."

Rhonda blinked in slight surprise at that comment.

"Thank you?" she said, somewhat confused.

"Come now, princess." Papa Pataki gestured for the door, "We must get home for dinner. We wouldn't want all of your mother's hard work to go to waste."

"Yep, TV dinners don't heat themselves." Helga laughed, "Later, Rhonda."

Rhonda watched as the two Patakis walked off, with Helga's grandfather carrying several shopping bags of stuff he'd clearly bought for his granddaughter. That didn't catch Rhonda's attention so much as the man himself did.

"There's something kind of creepy about that guy…" she shuddered.

* * *

**It sounds slightly awful, but I've been wanting to have someone call Arnold a 'Scottish American Jewish kid' for a while because… well, when I first watched the show as a kid, my immediate thought was that he was wearing a kilt and a yarmulke. So my first assumption was just, oh, he's a Scottish American Jewish kid, cool. Then the Christmas episode put the kibosh on half that assumption, and I eventually realized his shirt tails were just that, but before then I thought he was meant to be a depiction of your average Scottish American Jewish kid. I grew up in a pretty heavily Jewish area, so as a kid I always just sort of assumed most people/characters were Jewish. I didn't mean it in a malicious way like Papa Pataki probably does though...**

**That gag with all of Olga and Helga's cousins having the same big and little sibling dynamic with all their names starting with O and H was originally much much longer… I decided to trim that one a little.**

**So, FTi is still around and they built their mall somewhere else? Could that abandoned Nick Vermacelli plot line from 'Miriam and Stella' be lurking around the corner too? Find out next time.**

**Favorite and review, or Scheck will bust out of prison and come after you…**


	5. Big What?

**Reviewer Responses:**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i: Yep. Get ready for a whole new level of creepy now…**

**EnvytheSkunk: Then I've done half my job! My goal with this one is to make Bob seem redeemable and semi-sympathetic by comparison, so his own dad just had to be a different level of bad. And I had indeed thought of that line from Incredibles 2 relating to how Scheck could some day return.**

**Kryten: Hmm, yeah good analogy. I was thinking more along the lines of Tahani and Kamilah's parents in 'The Good Place' with regard to parents trying to pit their kids against one another in some twisted way to motivate them… but mostly just to satisfy their own egos.**

**As for Hilda, no. I maintain that she's a figment of Arnold's subconscious that manifested to tell him that Helga was the one for him, so if she turned out to be real well… I just prefer to keep her not real. Clearly I enjoy referencing her whenever possible though… and I guess this reference was meant to be one of those vague 'could be could not be' implications. **

**DanteVirgil09: Basically. Helga turned out so rough and tough mainly due to her father's example, but where Bob is more passively neglectful and inconsiderate for the most part… his father is much more actively mean.**

**HumanDictionary: HA! Couldn't have phrased it better… with regards to Big Bob's balls… an alliterative phrase I hoped never to have to ever use, but there it is. And yep, you hit the nail on the head with how Papa Pataki treats Helga, and she's so starved for some kind of attentive father figure that she's not really seeing what he's doing. **

**There are corporations in the real world that survive worse PR nightmares, alas… and I guess we're running on cartoon logic here. Interesting you call Ollie's success 'mythical'… put a pin in that…**

**Anonymous Latino: We must hope, yes. And while Helga isn't normally interested in fashion and the like, part of my concept with her in this 'season 6' is she's sort of in a phase of self-reinvention. She's growing more comfortable with expressing her feelings for Arnold, becoming more friendly and sociable (little by little), and just generally trying to find herself.**

**starwater09: Hit the nail on the head there. Helga isn't completely picking up on all the red flags just yet because yeah, she's desperate for some kind of loving father figure, and her grandfather is playing to all her weaknesses…**

**Well, looks like I did my job and made Papa Pataki an absolute bastard, and the best part is Helga doesn't quite notice yet… while her friends one by one are all picking up on the darker toxicity in him. I realized finally that I haven't given him a name… but I think I'm gonna keep it that way. Or maybe it'll be a joke akin to Grandpa Phil calling Arnold 'Short Man' and it'll turn out his parents actually named the guy 'Papa.' Wouldn't that be dumb? Yes, yes it would.**

**To everyone noting that he's a racist and sexist… yes, but that won't be the focus of his character. I just did that as a form of shorthand to show that he's not a good guy despite acting nice and loving on the surface… the focus of his antagonism is going to be how he's actively torturing his sons. **

**So, onto a pivotal chapter… in what way will the universe immaculate Bob next? Will Miriam stay on her upward trend? Will Helga start noticing just how toxic ol' Papa Pataki is? **

**Also, anyone notice one of the genre tags on this story is… supernatural? Hmm…**

* * *

Chapter 5: Big… What?

Tired in a wholly satisfying way from an afternoon well spent, both Helga and her grandfather felt just a little too spent from their afternoon out to say much to one another as they drove home. Neither of them had much to say as they headed back to Big Bob's Beeper Emporium, and just casually listened to the radio as they passed an endless cavalcade of pedestrians passing by the large brick buildings of Hillwood. After a long time of zoning out, a radio promo abruptly caught Helga's attention.

"Tonight on Seeking Sasquatch… sounds in the woods… some guys say they saw some things… blurry photos… these might all add up to the proof we finally need to prove its existence. Maybe our real, actual, not fake scientific investigators will find it tonight. Keep watching-"

"Hooey." Helga scoffed as she shut off the radio. "Can you believe the kind of crap people will watch?"

And with a heavy yawn Helga stretched her arms as she melted back into her seat, while Papa Pataki peered at her out of the corner of his eye. With a half smile he softly laughed to himself.

"Ah yes… reminds me of… well, perhaps later." he said quietly, though Helga didn't notice.

After a time, when Helga and Papa Pataki returned to Big Bob's beepers they managed to cram all of Helga's newfangled paraphernalia though the doors with some effort. As they stepped through the glass doors, the old man sniffed the air and to his surprise and disdain didn't smell dinner.

"Oh now this simply will not do at all…" he muttered, "It appears your mother hasn't even prepared supper…"

"That's weird… she's been laying off the smoothies." Helga noted, "I'd have thought she'd remember to at least turn the microwave on…"

As the two of them stepped inside they saw Big Bob himself standing at the register looking dour and tired. His eyes stared in their directions, and yet he looked as if he couldn't even see them as he stared off into space while apparently deeply contemplating something.

"Bobby?" Papa Pataki asked, "I told you we'd be home by six. Has Miriam even started on dinner?"

"Huh?" Bob snapped back to attention as he broke out of his apparent daydream "What? I… oh… yeah, well she's busy with other stuff."

Papa shook his head disapprovingly and then turned to Helga.  
"Why don't you just run those things off to your room, princess?" he suggested, referring to the bags of gifts he'd bought her at the mall.

"Yeah, sure." Helga yawned, "It'll all look great in that closet I call home."

Helga scampered off to her room/utility closet leaving Bob and his father alone with their eyes locked together.

"What could be more important for the lady of the house than to prepare supper for her family?" Papa asked.

"What are you even doing here?" Bob demanded, mustering his courage to stand up to his father at last.

"Can't a man simply pay a visit to his family?" Papa said coyly.

"Not you…" Bob said through gritted teeth, "We both know that's not how you do things…"

"As I said before, I saw that quaint and charming little ad for your beeper store." Papa stated, "You know it went… what's the word the young people are saying, viral? Anyway, I saw you, your wife and that charming granddaughter of mine that you've never introduced me to. I just had to meet her if nothing else. I knew you would be somewhat… less than happy to see me, but I figured there was hope for future generations. Now then, answer my question: what does Miriam have to do that's more important than preparing dinner for her family?"

"Heck if I know. She's taking care of marketing or something for the store-"

"Really, Bobby… you have your wife running the business now?" Papa sighed in his disapproving way. "Having her cook and wash for you is one thing, but having her running your own little business is-"

"I CAN RUN MY OWN LIFE!" Bob roared

And just as he did the lights in the showroom flickered off, leaving them standing in the dark.

"They're supposed to do that… power saving setting…" Bob said.

"Oh, dear dear… just the mere idea of you raising children in such a state…" Papa sighed ruefully.

"Yeah, about that!" Bob shouted, "I don't know what you're playing at with the girl, but I don't want you trying to spoil her."

"Well, someone should." Papa insisted.

"She doesn't need you to be her dad, she's got me!" Bob declared.

"Oh yes, you're doing such an admirable job." Papa sighed, "Bobby? I just have to say it, you've done just an appalling job of raising that girl-"

"You're one to talk!" Bob shot back.

"Dad?" Helga's voice came again.

"You wanna talk bad parenting!?" Bob shouted in his father's face, not taking notice of Helga, "Why don't we just take a big soppy trip down memory lane for your fossilized old butt to-"

"Lay off, Dad!" Helga bellowed in her father's face, and then turned to her grandfather, "Sorry, Papa. He's probably had a long day, he's just cranky and-"

"Oh, Helga." Papa chortled warmly, "No need to apologize for this blustery brute… it's my fault really. If only I'd have been there for him a little more when he was just a little-"

"Enough with that!" Bob shouted.

"Indoor voice," Papa said sternly.

"Yes sir, sorry sir…" Bob relented for a moment but the slapped himself across the face, "Look, dinner will be ready in an hour, alright? Chef Big Bob is on it! Hope you're hungry for pork and beans because that's about the only thing I can cook!"

"By pork he means spam, again…" Helga groaned, "It's all right… gets easier every time."

"It will just have to do…" Papa sighed, "Very well, I'll just be in the guest room until then. This old man could use just a little lie down. Helga, would you be a dear and fix your grandfather a cup of tea?"

"Can do, Big P." Helga said with a little two fingered salute.

And with that, Papa Pataki departed the showroom leaving Helga and her father glowering at one another yet again.

"What's your deal, Bob?" Helga grunted, "He came back to reconnect with us… and with you, and all you're doing is-"

Without warning, Big Bob grabbed at his daughter and lifted her into the air. Helga felt too shocked to even cry out in surprise and alarm as Bob just took her aside, and into what used to be his office and was now both his office and closet where he kept what little of his belongings he hadn't sold. He'd never give up that big white belt of his… and with that notion in mind, suddenly Helga dreaded for the first time in her life she was about to 'get the belt' as the saying went. To her surprise and relief however Bob set her down relatively gently, but still fixed her with a harsh glare. This one wasn't one of anger however, on the contrary Bob if anything looked worried.

"Olga…" Bob said in a hushed tone.

"Helga…" Helga groaned her routine correction.

"That's what I said," Bob said sternly, "Listen, I don't care what you think you know about your grandpa, but be is _not _what you think he is…"

"He's not my grandpa?" Helga asked.

"Exactly" Bob affirmed loudly, but then had to stop and think, "Well… no, he is that, but… look… I never talked to you about him because that old goat is no good."

"So what, you were protecting me from a grandfather who'd spend time with me and take me on little shopping trips just because he wanted me to be happy?" Helga huffed, still unconvinced.

"Right!" Bob said again before considering what Helga had actually said, "I mean, uh… I uh… well, I didn't want you to turn out like some spoiled little brat or something-"

"Spoiled!?" Helga shouted, "You think what I really wanted was for you to just buy me stuff? Look at this! Right now? Right here? This is about the most we've spoken together in… ever!"

"What are you talking about?" Bob asked in genuine confusion, "Look, whatever… just don't let that old fossil suck you in… he might seem more suave than me but he's just plain… cruel."

"Cruel? You wanna talk cruel?" Helga almost laughed, "What about you being fine with FTi bulldozing the old neighborhood? Letting your own friends and neighbors get kicked out of their homes?"

"Now wait just a-"

"How about calling Arnold 'orphan boy'?"

"How was I supposed to know he wasn't an actual orphan?"

"THAT'S what you think was wrong with…" Helga groaned and quickly switched gears, "How about that time you nearly killed me!?"

"It's not my fault you made such a good alien costume!"

"Seriously, Bob!?"

"And I'm your father! Stop calling me Bob, Olga!"  
"Stop calling me Olga, Bob!"

Bob and Helga just glared at one another with their teeth set and their faces bright red with fury. Neither of them said another word as they both just panted through their clenched teeth. After what felt like an uncomfortably long silence, it was Bob who relented first.

"Helga… listen…"

"Yeah, yeah, what else should I be worried about from your dad?" Helga asked sarcastically. "I know he's old and all, but I doubt he needs his diaper changed or-"

"You… don't… know… him…" Bob said in a hushed but severe tone. For a moment this almost seemed to get through to his daughter, who looked back at him with wide eyes, but then slowly her eyes drifted down towards the floor and she sighed sadly.

"Yeah, that's just the thing, _Bob_." Helga said somberly, "I've only known him for a day, and I think I _do _know him. Much better than I've ever known you…"

"But-"

"He actually wants to spend time with me. He wants to know all about me… that's more than I can say for you." Helga sighed, now coming over very sad. Without another word she walked out of her father's office, leaving him alone in the dark.

True to his word at least, Bob himself scrounged together dinner for the four Patakis and an hour or so later they all sat around the table quietly chewing their food, not one of them caring to comment on the quality of Bob's cooking. No one was gagging on anything, at least audibly, so there was that at least.

Neither Bob nor Miriam seemed keen on getting conversation rolling, and Papa just sat there looking ready to seize the moment that anyone did start talking. Helga finally couldn't bear the awkward silence anymore, and decided an awkward conversation was slightly preferable.

"So… Papa was telling me some of his and Uncle Ollie's war stories earlier." Helga said impishly, "I don't think I've ever heard any of yours, _dad…_"

Papa turned to Bob and smiled.

"Oh?' he said, "You haven't told her?"

Bob had always been a bit of a paramilitary nut. From his military hummer, to the way he ran the house, to his plans if martial law was ever declared, and the large stash of guns Helga long suspected he had hidden away somewhere, Bob gave off the aura of a grizzled old veteran who had been through some mind-altering experiences, and yet she realized she'd never actually heard any war stories from him. Perhaps they were too traumatic to recount, but that probably couldn't be the case given Bob's eagerness to boast about most everything in his life.

"Yeah, c'mon." Helga urged, "Let's hear some of your war stories, Bob."

Bob's eyes darted back and forth before he said softly, "I… don't really have any…"

"Oh come on, what did you do in the army?" Helga asked. "Shot yourself in the foot and get out?"

Another silence fell over the table as Bob started to shrink downward into his seat. Helga hoped she hadn't actually hit the nail on the head with that guess.

Papa Pataki laughed, mockingly though clearly not seriously, "Oh, forgive me… no no, of course it wasn't that. The truth is… a bit more embarrassing."

"You don't say…" Helga looked at her father who was avoiding eye contact with everyone else.

"Oh, little Bobby doesn't really like to talk about all that, does he?" Papa chuckled, "He's just a little embarrassed, isn't he?"

Bob just grumbled something unintelligible as he shoved a forkful of beans into his mouth.

"Dodge the draft, huh?" Helga chided.

"No…" Bob muttered.

"Don't tell me you got classified 4-F or-"

"I HAD A BOIL, ALRIGHT?" Bob roared, "I didn't get to enlist…"

A hush again fell over the table.

"So… you were never even in the army?" Helga asked.

"I never said I was!" Bob bellowed defensively.

"No, no… not like Oliver." Papa sighed, "So many purple hearts he brought home… made me so proud."

Bob finally started losing his patience with his father's jabs, while Miriam looked like she wanted to quell things but wasn't sure how to.

"Yeah, yeah, so what?" Bob said, "So I didn't get the decorated military career I wanted when I was a boy… doesn't mean I didn't do well for myself!"

"Yes, yes, your little beeper empire." Papa sighed, "What a glorious little empire it was…"

"Yeah, that's right it was… and will be again!" Bob shouted, "We hit a few bumps in the road, but we're coming back strong!"

"Yes…" Papa chuckled, "Thanks to… Miriam."

He turned to Miriam who looked like she wanted to just disappear from the room, or mix herself an entire blender of something to drink.

"I'm doing my part too…" Bob growled.

"Bobby, Bobby, why is it so hard for you to just admit you-"

"I'm not admitting to nothing!" Bob shouted, "Are you that bitter that I went this far from home just to start new life? To start my own business and my own family without you around to butt in!?"

All eyes went to Papa, anticipating his response. Bob had been growing a little more confident in standing up to his father since he had arrived, but this felt like a boiling point. Helga looked at her grandfather who remained placid and calm on the surface, as he took a long swig of his tea. When he'd finished, he let loose another low chortle.

"Oh come now, we both know that's not the real reason you went west, young Pataki." Papa chided.

Big Bob had now shrunk so deeply into his seat both Miriam and Helga sat taller than him. Papa really knew how to make him feel like a child, and everyone in the room sensed that he was about the spill some enormously embarrassing secret of Bob's on them.

"You just… never achieved that dream of yours, did you?" Papa sighed.

Bob muttered quietly, "That was a long time ago… that was just…" he slowly trailed off.

"Didn't catch that, dad." Helga laughed, "What was that?"

"I told you it was a fool's errand, and yet off you went to the Pacific Northwest in pursuit of-"  
"Look, Papa, just because Oliver has a whole stupid show on it doesn't make him any better than-"

"Of course it does." Papa laughed, "He has his media empire and you… I think it's a stretch to call this even a beeper empire."

Helga now felt lost. She had been keeping up with the issues between her father and grandfather to the best of her understanding, but now there was something truly odd going on.

"Uncle Ollie has a TV show on what now?" Helga asked in confusion. "And what are you talking about with dad's-"

"Oh, just a subject that was your father's… 'white whale' as it were." Papa said.

"It was a long time ago…" Bob restated, "I'm over it…  
"You really never told her why you went out to the west coast in the first place?" Papa chuckled.

"I was an entrepreneur!" Bob shouted, "I saw a new market and I-"

"He wanted to be the first man to find Bigfoot." Papa said curtly.

Helga dropped the glass of water she had been sipping and spat all the liquid in her mouth across the table. Bob had made his paranoid beliefs in extra terrestrials well known before, but Bigfoot? That was a new on on her, and as she gaged her mother's reaction it appeared that was new to her too.

"Bigfoot?" Helga scoffed, "The big imaginary wild man up in-"  
"It's not imaginary!" Big Bob slammed his fist down, "Just look at all the evidence!"

Helga glanced back and forth and then shrugged her shoulders with a sarcastic smile, which just made her father even more enraged. Then Miriam at last spoke up.

"B…?" She asked, "You never said anything about-"

"Doesn't matter." Bob said abruptly, "That was a long time ago… back when I was some kinda idealist…"

"Ah yes, just giving up like always." Papa sighed disapprovingly.

"You don't even believe in it!" Bob shot back.

"Well, yeah…" Helga said, "Because he's you know… an adult… who is sane."

"Sane!?" Bob roared, "What are you saying?"

"Well, first the aliens and now this?" Helga laughed, "I mean… benefit of the doubt, sure there's probably intelligent life out there somewhere… not here… but Bigfoot? Really?"

"What? You're open to aliens but not an undiscovered- look, that's not the point!" Bob shouted, as he glared at his father, "This is just him trying to-"

"Ah, don't worry about looking like an even bigger doof than usual…" Helga laughed, "But I gotta say, this is doofy even for you. I mean… Bigfoot? Seriously?"

"That's not-" Bob tried to say.

"Hey wait! Back up!" Helga demanded, "Papa? Uncle Ollie's show you mentioned? It's not…?"  
"Seeking Sasquatch? Yes…" Papa said, "Oh, believe me I don't believe in all that nonsense… and I don't think he does either. But I tell you, there is a large market of believers to tap out there, and he's made a lot with-"

"Bigfoot? Really?" Helga asked again, "I mean… I guess that is our state's unofficial mascot and all, but come on!"

"Shove it! Helga, Bigfoot is not the point here! Also…" Bob's tone abruptly shifted to one of quiet concern, "Bigfoot is not the proper nomenclature. Sasquatch. Please.

"Finally, _something_ you're a little sensitive towards…" Helga remarked, still barely able to contain her laughter. "The one person my dad is worried about offending in this world is an imaginary ape!"

"What, you think this is funny, little lady?" Bob challenged.

"You… have no… idea…" Helga said, practically wheezing.

With a deathly glare boring right into his daughter's eyes, Bob stood up and towered over her. Helga had always been feisty enough to challenge her father but never quite like this, and not in front of his own father. As he stared down at her he could see her demeanor shift slightly to one of fear.

"Then I'll show you how funny it is…" Bob said quietly.

Miriam scooted towards her daughter in slight concern. Bob's anger towards family members was status quo, but he seemed to be reaching a whole new level of rage thanks to his father's presence.

"People, listen up!" Bob declared, "This weekend, Big Bob Pataki is killing three birds with the same freaking stone! I'm gonna prove you wrong old man, be a good father and spend time with the girl, and do what Ollie couldn't do in over a hundred stinking episodes of his stupid show and WE'RE GONNA FIND BIGFOOT!"

Another palpable hush fell over the room. Miriam went wide eyed and just blinded in silence while Papa betrayed no emotional reaction. Helga then broke the silence with the exact opposite sort of reaction.

"Oh no…" she uttered in a hushed voice that began to grow more and more intense, "No, no… no no no! No… no… no… no… NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Yep. Don't bother wondering if that's where the story is going because… that's where the story is going. FTi was another red herring (Or was it? … yes it was). :P First the gorillas in 'Miriam and Stella' and now Bigfoot… realizing I have a bit of an ape fixation. Big Bob… Big Pataki… Bigfoot… just seemed like the only logical progression… plus HA! takes place in Washington state supposedly so... why not?**

**Before I offend anyone on either side of this particularly fascinating bit of American lore, I'll just clarify my own position on the subject of Bigfoot. I'm an open minded and even enthusiastic skeptic about the idea of Bigfoot. I find the whole history and culture surrounding it fascinating and really cool, BUT I have yet to see a single piece of good evidence that will compel me to think it's actually real. I just find the whole phenomenon very interesting, and I would love it if Bigfoot turned out to be real, but as of now… I don't think it is… as much as I want it to be. **

**That being said, Helga is obviously going to be rather viciously mocking the believers as we progress… as will I the storyteller, just mocking in a more loving way than Helga.**

**That confrontation between Bob and Helga… that's basically my thesis statement on Bob as a character. He can say and do mean, horrible insensitive things… I don't it comes from a malicious place. I think Bob is simply an ignorant boor who possesses just a bare minimum amount of self awareness and doesn't see how hurtful he is half the time. Even at his worst moment (The orphan boy comment), there's a moment right after that I think goes unnoticed. Helga reacts with shock and appall to his words, but then Bob with a very genuinely confused look on his face just goes "What?" like he didn't even realize he said anything wrong, but at least seems semi-concerned by Helga's reaction. Those later episodes that show that Bob has a heart underneath it all just suggest to me that he's just more… ****_dumb_**** than actually bad. Kind of goes the Homer Simpsons route in character development. **

**I mean, just look at how he ran his business into the ground. Any sensible businessman with any foresight would have had a plan to phase out selling beepers and transition into cell phones (for more on that read 'Dream of the Lost Summer' by The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numba i) **


	6. The Family Business

**Hello dears, Gertrude Shortman here again to wish you all a very happy thanksgiving. Hope you all have a good stock of sparklers and fireworks… you know, if they're legal in your state… oh heck, shoot em off anyway. Stick it to the man! Up the establishment! And God bless America! Three cheers for the red white and blue! Now, to go celebrate with a good old fashioned American flag burning… or is that Easter? Ah well, celebrate your way, I say! Ahahahahaha! Anyway, as my Thanksgiving gift to you, here's another chapter of this odd little tale… let's see what crazy adventure Lady Eleanor and her wicked old father the King are getting themselves into this time.**

**…**

**I really need to write a Grandma Pookie story soon… she's too much fun. I'll get to that Don Quixote story with her after this one and a certain other one where Miles and Stella renew their wedding vows. But first, back to Big Bobs, Big Patakis and Bigfoot. **

**Oh, and some reviewer responses of course! Where are my manners…**

**DanteVirgil09: Judging by his apparent foresight in the mobile communications business, I doubt if even he knows how he's going to pull this off!**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i: You're welcome, of course. I just view Big Bob as one of those hawkish good old boys who never served in the army, but like to talk like they did. Not to name names or anything…**

**necro-wulf: Hehehehe… well, yep. My thoughts exactly. Hold that thought…**

**In Big Bob's case, I think he's a genuine believer. His father and uncle? We'll see…**

**Uhhhhh… that paragraph might've been too smart for me… but after a few rereads… well, I think you might be pleased with where this all ends up. I hope.**

**Yeah, Bob evolved as a character just like his daughter. In earlier episodes he's pretty much void of redeemable qualities but the more they fleshed him out the more depth he had, even if it went mostly unnoticed since he usually had to serve as the nominal antagonist. Just the mere fact that he has a hidden soft spot for daytime TV soap operas is funny and intriguing enough on its own, and the real clincher is that every time he stepped back and really took a hard look at himself he was always horrified by his own behavior to the point where he'd declare "I'm a monster!"**

**Kryten: I dropped a few clues… though probably not enough as I think back. The cover image is from the episode 'Roughin' It' which was there to suggest that Big Bob was gonna have a breakdown in the woods again… I should've put that radio advert about 'seeking sasquatch' earlier but oh well. **

**starwater09: hehe, believe it or not this was my plan all along… I mean the real issue here is that Helga just hates hiking. **

**HumanDictionary: Me too. Oh wait… I have to write it. If I sit around it'll never happen. Darn it. Well, here's the next installment…**

**Anonymous Latino: Yep. You'd think Helga would be more careful about what she wishes for…**

**Anon: I'm glad! And yeah… he is quite off.**

* * *

Chapter 6: The Family Business

Calm didn't have so much as a chance to return to the Pataki family table before Bob made matters worse by hauling his protesting daughter away, leaving his stupefied wife and father unsure of what to say or do in response. Helga just endlessly screeched the word 'no' and slowly faded into the distance before the slam of the door to Bob's office quieted her down, not a lot but just enough. The patriarchal Papa Pataki then turned to Miriam and cocked his eyebrow.

"The girl is a bit dramatic, isn't she?" he asked the slightly dazed woman.

"Huh?" Miriam shook her head, "Oh… yeah, yeah, sure…"

"It seems a little camping trip might now be in the cards for this weekend." Papa noted. "Little Bobby is so terribly stubborn when he wants to be. I suppose there'll be no talking him out of this."

"Uh huh…" Miriam mumbled, as she withdrew her phone.

"You'll just have to hold down the fort here." he sighed, "I suppose someone has to be the adult supervisor… the lady of the house, if those two are going off into the wilderness. Oh, the burdens I bear…"

"Uh huh." Miriam said quietly. "Yeah, sure."

"Forgive me, the thought of abandoning you here by yourself pains me, but the thought of those two getting themselves hopelessly lost in the pacific northwest wilderness… that I might lose sleep over."

"Yeah, yeah…" Miriam said in the same flat dispassionate voice, yet with a strange look in her eye that suggested the wheels were turning in her head. "Just me… with the place to myself for the weekend…"

"Just the thought of him taking that poor dear little girl out into the woods…" Papa sighed, "That's no place for a young lady to be."

"Just me… no Helga, no Bob…" Miriam murmured to herself, with her mouth curling into a faint smile as she looked downward at her phone screen.

Inside Bob's office meanwhile, Helga was still showing the same amount of passion and zeal for her father's proposed weekend project. This wouldn't be the first time he'd taken her camping out in the wilderness, but Helga had hoped that the actual first time would also be the last. Even if they had miraculously run into Arnold off on a camping trip of his own, the odds of lightning striking twice in that regard seemed pretty astronomical. Helga now just watched in mild horror as Bob tore through his office, slowly transforming it from the mess consisting of mountains of paper, into the lair of an obsessive Sasquatch hunter who had kept his secret hidden away up until now.

"Look, I know this might seem out of the blue, but trust me I got a good feeling about this." Bob insisted, as he unfolded a large poster and began pinning it to the wall.

"NO!" Helga screamed again.

"I get it, I get it," Bob groaned, as he pulled out his infrared tracking equipment and set it on the desk, "I know this might look crazy to the John Q. Public, but that's just cuz they don't have the right context-"

"NO!"

"Look, once I break you into this whole field and everything, you'll understand everything-"

"NO!"

"Will you quit saying 'no' and just listen!?" Bob roared.

"NO!" Helga repeated for the umpteenth time. "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOO! Well, I got that all out of my system…" she relented at last, but then glared at her father, "Bob? I always knew you were a doof… and a big fat jerk… and a doofy fat jerk, but THIS? Bigfoot? Seriously? Now you've hit a whole new depth! I didn't think you could stoop any lower!"

Bob tore open a file cabinet and began rummaging through a very shoddily organize stack of papers, with a look of obsession burning in his eyes. He pulled out several old polaroids and gazed at them as if they were some personal holy grail of his.

"Oh no, believe me little lady…" he said firmly, "I could sink a whole lot lower."

Helga's face abruptly met her palm.

"Yeah… yeah, somehow I believe you." she sighed, and then noticed Bob uncovering previously hidden paraphernalia relating to his apparent obsession. Maps, old blurry photos, samples of hair stored in plastic bags and little wooden carved bigfoot figurines now blanketed the room, and Bob then pulled down an overhead chart which he motioned to.

"Now then, let's start from the beginning here…"

"No, no. Allow me. Aliens dropped him off in the woods right?" Helga scoffed. "And he can cloak himself and that's why he can't be captured on film-"

"Now don't you start sassing me, little missy!" Bob pointed a finger at his jeering daughter, "That's a whole different faction of the Bigfoot community! They're the ones who give it a bad name. Buncha woo and nonsense… Big Bob takes this stuff seriously, and as a Pataki so do you! That's why we're sticking with the hard science side of this!"

"Hard science?" Helga almost laughed, "Hooey. If you believed in hard science you'd get your head examined… besides, that? Coming from the guy who claims to have had his own close encounter of the third kind?" Helga asked.

"Well yeah… but… that's a totally different phenomenon!" Bob insisted, "You wanna know the real reason no one's found bigfoot yet? Cuz they're all just a bunch of lazy, disorganized hippies just goofing around in the woods and don't know how to do a serious investigation!"

"And… you know how to-"

"That's right!" Bob shouted, "I'll show 'em… I'll show everybody! You, your mother, my loser brother, that old bag of bones that I have the misfortune to call my old man…" Bob continually organized his materials on the subject, looking as if he was preparing to present an entire seminar to Helga on the subject of his private obsession.

"Don't kid yourself, girl. All the evidence is proof positive. There _is_ a Bigfoot out there…" Bob said quietly but intensely.

"THERE IT IS!" Helga shouted as she pointed just over her dad's shoulder.

"WHERE!?" Bob jumped and turned around to look, but then heard Helga laughing uproariously.

"Oh wait, never mind, it was just you…" she wheezed, "Easy mistake to make-"

Bob once again seized Helga and forced her to look him in the eyes.

"You think this is all a joke?" he hissed, "You think your old man is just a crackpot!?"

"Bob," Helga cut in, "Even if I did buy into all this crap, I think we already saw the extent of your outdoorsman skills the last time you took me and Phoebe camping back in fourth grade. And in case you've forgotten, which… understandable, I mean you forget my name on a daily basis… what with the senility and all setting in…" Helga kept testing to see if her father was listening, but got no reaction, "… well, you're about as good at camping as you'd be at a hunger strike to protest deforestation or something."

Bob flicked off the lights and powered up a slide projector to begin schooling Helga in the field of Bigfoot research.

"Now pay attention, girl," Bob instructed, "I first became a believer with this thing way back when the first tracks were discovered on a logging road in Willow Creek back when I was just a little boy- actually wait, let's start further back. The Indians knew the creature as- wait, sorry, sorry, _NATIVE_ Indian Americans knew the creature as 'Skookum,' long before the first western settlers set foot on…"

Helga found some small amusement with her father's half attempt at sounding culturally sensitive, only to find herself growing more bored than annoyed. Still, he looked more serious about this ridiculous idea than he had about anything else in a long time, which Helga knew was just going to lead to disaster. As the man droned on and on with his a giant bag of pseudo science and appropriated bits of Native American lore, she saw her window to escape. With Big Bob effectively distracting himself in the midst of a madness induced sermon to himself, Helga discretely tiptoed back out the door of his office leaving her father pontificating to an audience of zero.

Once she had made a break from her father's office, Helga dashed back to the kitchen to appeal to her mother and grandfather.

"Mom!" Helga pleaded desperately, "This would be a great time for you to tap into that whole 'strong independent woman' act you've been pulling off lately, and tell Bob he's not taking me on this stupid little expedition of his!"

"Ah, no." Miriam stated flatly.

"NO?!" Helga gasped in complete shock, "Mom… you were doing pretty well for a while here but you're taking a sharp right turn back into negligent mothersville again-"

"Aw come on Helga, you're not really worried about Bigfoot, are you?" Miriam snorted, "You know it's not really real."

"Yeah, but you know what is real?" Helga asked menacingly, "Bears, mountain lions, creepy guys searching for Bigfoot… um, ticks, wildfires… need I go on?"

"Oh honey, I think it'd be good for you." Miriam insisted, "Spend a little quality time with your dad, get some fresh air and exercise… and if you just happened to discover Bigfoot that wouldn't be the worst thing in-"

"Mom… of the two parents nature has issued me, you're by default the better one, SO DON'T SCREW THAT UP NOW!" Helga bellowed, but her mother looked unfazed.

"Helga? When have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?" Miriam asked.

A little pause followed, naturally.

"How much time have you got, Miriam?" Helga asked.

"Okay…" Miriam shook her head knowingly, "In the last week and a half when have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?"

"Mom…" Helga groaned.

"No really, Helga." Miriam said, "I think this could be good for you."

"Oh I disagree." Papa Pataki, who had been silently observing them at last sighed.

"There, you see? Thank you!" Helga said with satisfaction, "This guy gets it."  
"Of course, I do." Papa reaffirmed, "The wilderness is no place for someone like you."

"Right." Helga nodded, "A classy urbanite like me belongs right here in-"

"There you are!" Bob's voiced roared, "Now get your smart aleck fanny back in my office and no more sneaking out in the middle of my lecture!"

"I'm not in school! You're just my dad! You can't make me sit through classes!" Helga shouted back.

"Oh yeah? Try and stop me!" Bob once again lifted the protesting Helga off the ground and hauled her back to his office. She fought against him but it was useless. Bob had the temperament of an outraged orangutan at his worst, and the size and strength to match.

"You better hope you never shrink to Papa's size and I never grow to be the size of grandma!" Helga hissed at her father, "Then the shoe'll be on the other foot…"

Bob sat Helga back down and returned to his presentation, unaware of when Helga had even managed to sneak out.

"Now, back to the holy grail of bigfoot evidence… the Patterson footage, shot near Bluff Creek in 1967…"

Helga halted him again.

"Right… so the best evidence for this predates the freaking moon landing?" Helga asked to clarify, then her eyes went wide with concern. "Oh god… please tell me you believe the moon landing actually happened?"

"Well, obviously." Bob huffed, "It was on TV."

"Okay, at least you're not completely down the rabbit hole… but look, Bob… you know how um, what's it called… science? Works? I don't have Phoebe here to explain so I'll do my best, the evidence would be getting better if these things were out there… I mean, everyone has a camera nowadays-"

"Right!" Big Bob shouted triumphantly as he held up one of his smart phones, "And now with modern technology on our side, the big hairy freak doesn't stand a chance!"

"You… think you're the first to try?" Helga asked incredulously, "Loads of losers have probably been looking for it with their phones by now. Dad, seriously… you're so far behind the times you're right back there with dinosaur bones at this point…"

"Yeah, yeah, other jerks may have tried but you know what separates them from us?" Bob asked.

"An even more flimsy grasp on reality?" Helga asked.

"They weren't Patakis!" Bob stated, "Patakis are winners! And we're gonna win at this even if it kills us!"

"What about your brother? This alleged uncle Ollie?" Helga asked, "He's got a whole show on it, right? He's a Pataki. He hasn't found it."

"Well obviously if he found it his little show would be over!" Bob suggested, "That dumb jerk is just stringing everybody on. He's not really trying… he's just in it for the money… he's not a purist."

"You're in everything for the money…" Helga reminded him.

"Not this." Bob stated. "To me this is something real… the last link I have to the world mankind left behind… anyway, that was in California, but he's been spotted up north here, and that's where we're going…" Bob pointed to the map of Washington hanging on the wall, "The Olympic National Forest… I've narrowed it down and I'm positive that's where he's hiding… but he's cunning. He could be hiding anywhere in that vicinity from Forks to Snee Oosh…"

Helga groaned, unsure of how to get through to her father. He'd exhibited behavior bordering on madness before, and now he wasn't far from the finish line. Helga knew she had to try someone she didn't usually like to use: reason. Or at least try to be as reasonable as she humanly could with someone like her father.

"Look… I don't know whether you're having a nervous breakdown or another midlife crisis… or probably more like an end of life crisis, you know if you keep eating the way you do… but come on! You can't actually be serious about this! This is all fantasyland stuff! Now you're just chasing a dream! And lemme tell ya, it's a pretty disturbed one!"

"Helga." Bob said sternly, "When I started Big Bob's Beepers, _that_ was just a dream. But with time, love and care I raised it up from nothing into the great Empire that it is-"

"Was." Helga corrected.

"And will be again!" Bob rebutted angrily, but then started to sound almost sad as he fawned over his pride and joy, "Point is, the emporium is more than just a store or a business… I poured everything into it and raised it up to be something I was really proud of… it was like the son I never had."

Helga just glared at her oblivious father in a silent seethe. She had long suspected had she been born a boy he might have given her the time of day, just for a change of pace from the already nigh perfect first kid he'd spawned.

"It made me so proud… you know, like in that way Olga made me proud. Just like her, this place was supposed to really go places and then… it just didn't. I blame myself of course, slacking off when I started only working six days a week, and thinking that the business could just take care of itself… and yeah, the whole FTi thing might've been a bad idea in hindsight, and then next thing you know the store needs me to hold its hand every stinking step of the way… and now…"

Helga raised her eyebrow as Bob sounded uncomfortably sentimental now. She had almost grown numbed to the reality that he didn't even acknowledge her most of the time, but something about his tone of voice drew her in.

"I was the king, Helga… I was Big Bob the Beeper King! And now… I'm just a big freaking joke to this whole city. This store was everything to me, and with your mom practically running the show now… where does that leave me?" he asked sounding genuinely lost, "My whole purpose in life was this business and… yeah, it's been a pretty big swallow of my pride to admit that maybe… maybe your mom does an even better job than me, but… what's my purpose in life now?"

Feeling strangely moved, Helga spoke softly, "I could… make a suggestion if you-"

"That's right! Finding that great northern American legend!" Bob declared with newfound vigor in his voice, "Make a new name for myself! Big Bob bags Bigfoot! I won't just be the king… I'LL BE A LEGEND!"

Helga observed as her father posed in front of his supposedly life sized poster of the creature in question, and she couldn't deny they complemented one another well.

"And then maybe if I'm lucky… I'll finally be a man in Papa's eyes." Bob said quietly.

"Look… Bob…" Helga didn't know where to start, "You already have a purpose. You're my dad… and you're Miriam's man. We both depend on you just to be part of our family. So what if mom is turning into the breadwinner. We still need you. You don't have to do something this massively stupid to prove anything to anyone. We… we love you. We just need you to be here for us, that's all."

Bob looked at his daughter in mild astonishment, and seemed to be genuinely pondering what she had to say.

"Interesting." he said, as if mulling over a business proposal, "I'm gonna pass on that idea for now, but put a pin in it, you know in the off chance my idea doesn't work."

Helga all but collapsed in defeat. Her father was stubborn as a stone mule. She knew she had to have gotten it from somewhere.

"Dad… there is no way I am going on this stupid Bigfoot hunt…"

* * *

"Is it even worth me saying 'I can't believe I'm going on this stupid Bigfoot hunt?'" Helga asked herself rhetorically when she found herself sitting in the hummer the next day, though it felt like though a mere seconds after she firmly stated her refusal to join her father on said hunt. She looked upward and shouted, "Hey, universe? STOP DOING THAT!"

"Helga!" the worried voice of her best friend sounded from the pavement.

Helga looked up to see Phoebe, Arnold, Gerald, Sid, Harold and Stinky all heading in her direction.

"Helga?" Arnold asked in concern, "Are you okay? What's happening?"

"Staus quo, everything completely horrible." Helga sighed.

"You sent out an SOS." Phoebe noted, and glanced at her phone, "You specifically wrote, quote 'Bob's going to get me killed. Get me the freak out of here now, losers.' End quote."

"Yep." Helga nodded, "And I wasn't overdramatizing. As you can see I'm being hauled off against my will to the Olypmic National Park…"

Helga gestured to all the camping gear Bob had strapped to the roof of the vehicle, which caused her friends to look at her skeptically.

"That's it? You're going camping?" Gerald asked, "You and your dad have done that before. What's the big emergency?"

"We're not just going camping… he's taking me on a Bigfoot hunt…" Helga said with quiet anger.

The other kids' eyes all went wide as they exchanged looks, ranging from intrigued to flabbergasted.

"I know, crazy right?" Helga huffed, "Got anything for us on that, Geraldo?"

"Got what on what?" Gerald responded.

"Bigfoot, doi." Helga spat back.

"Why would I know anything about Bigfoot?" Gerald asked incredulously.

"Well, you're the self proclaimed keeper of all legends." Helga said.

"Yeah!" Sid blurted, "The legend of Bigfoot has been passed from man child generation to man child generation, and down to the actual children. A tale where man meets nature, government conspiracies to hide the truth about logging, and beef jerky… and Gerald is the keeper of all legends. Take it away, Gerald."

"Yeah, keeper of all legends of _Hillwood._" Gerald clarified, "Urban lore. Bigfoot is uh, outside of my jurisdiction. Know what I'm saying?"

"The name is Sasquatch, kid." Big Bob's voice caused Gerald and the other kids to jump in surprise as he appeared from behind them, wearing his army helmet and tactical camo gear.

"You keep calling it Bigfoot…" Helga reminded her father.

"Yeah, it's okay for us Squatchers to say it, but not for non-believers." Bob stated angrily. "It's offensive, otherwise."

Gerald raised an eyebrow and just shook his head as Bob started loading more gear in the hummer.

"So… what do you want us to do?" Stinky asked.

"Oh, just come up with a nice eulogy and compose me some catchy epitaph." Helga sighed, "Just make sure I'm remembered as I was… strong, poetic, kind of a jerk… but still eloquent in my way…"

"Sounds kind of exciting, really." the quiet voice of Arnold spoke up at last, causing all eyes to turn on him.

Helga glared at her boyfriend and shook her head.  
"Of course… the little idealist ghost train believer would be the one to believe in all this horse hockey too…"

"My grandpa says he saw one once." Arnold said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Your grandpa also claimed to have given Hitler a wedgie…" Helga groaned.

"Okay, yes he embellishes his stories, but there's always a kernel of truth to them." Arnold insisted, "And he says he saw a big hairy thing running away into the woods."

"Sure it wasn't Mr. Green?" Helga snickered, "Or Harold?"

"HEY!" Harold bellowed, "I really had to go… and besides I'm not hairy!"

"Not up top, anyway." Helga muttered, "Phoebe? Come on, back me up here. You've got to have the science to talk Bob out of this…"

"I admit the probability of an undiscovered great ape living in the remote North American wilderness is decidedly low…" Phoebe began, "But…"

"Oh no… Phoebe for the love of crap, not you too…"

"In the spirit of scientific discovery and exploration… well, I can't completely rule it out either." Phoebe said with a smile.

"Criminey! Has the whole world gone crazy?" Helga shouted.

"Crazy enough to strike it rich!" Big Bob reappeared, and then he turned his attention to Arnold, "Hey, Amos, good. You're here. Why don't you come with us?"

"Me?" Arnold asked in surprise.

"Yeah, we can always use more of your ideas, Archie." Bob said.

"Oh really, Bobby…" the voice of Papa Pataki appeared. Everyone turned and looked in his direction, quieted by the soft authority in his voice.

"Anyone feel it get colder all of a sudden?" Stinky asked.

"You really need a small child to be your source of ideas?" Papa chided.

"This kid's a real golden goose…" Bob said, "And if he's a real believer like he says, then he's got to have more ideas for us to milk out of him-"

"STOP MILKING MY BOYFRIEND!" Helga screeched, but then the sheer awkwardness of her own words set in just a little too late, "I mean…"

"I'm… just… gonna go… have fun, Helga." Arnold said as he stepped backwards with the rest of the kids. Then they all just disappeared from sight.

Helga burried her head in her hands, but then looked up as the distinct smell of a certain perfume caught her attention. Looking up, Helga saw another familiar face.

"Rhondaloid? What're you doing here?" Helga asked in genuine surprise, "Did every other store run out of phones?"

"Oh, just you know… shopping locally." Rhonda said, "Good for my image and all. It's amazing what a few online followers will eat up these days."

"Oh good, you're here." the voice of Miriam appeared, "C'mon in."

"Mom?" Helga asked, "What's going on?"

"What? Oh nothing, nothing, yeah yeah, you and your dad and grandpa just have a nice little camping trip… oh, hey Suzie."

Helga snapped her head in the direction of another approaching figure, which happened to be Suzie Kokoshka.

"Something's going on…" Helga said softly, as her mother ushered Rhonda and Suzie into the emporium and out of her sight.

"Something indeed." Papa Pataki said, as he boarded the hummer and sat down next to his granddaughter.

"Oh well… at least we have you going along." Helga said, feeling overwhelmed and confused by everything happening. "Once more, I cross the threshold into the unknown savage realm of the enigmatic and untamed great beyond, the fatal fascination that draws we urban dwellers like moths to a bug zapper…"

"Oh, Helga… such poetic and elegant prose." Papa fawned admiringly, as he raised his pinky into the air, "Wither sunset creeps, ushering in that fabled morn, that would bring humble seekers ever closer yet forever out of reach of that intangible… oh forget it."

"Not bad." Helga said with a smile, "So that's where I get it from."

"You have the heart and soul of a poet, my dear." Papa said with a smile.

"Yeah, it's kind of my thing." Helga said, "I'll let you read some of the less embarrassing volumes I've written, if you want… actually wait, no there isn't any… I'll just compose as we go here."

"Ah good," Papa said, "You can record the account of our odyssey into the wild."

With his preparations complete, Big Bob sat down in the driver's seat and turned back to his father and daughter.

Papa smiled and gestured to the open road ahead of them, "Well, then… shall we begin?"

"I already have." Bob affirmed, and then with a decisive pressing of his foot to the pedal the Pataki family hummer shot out of its space, sending the three generations of Patakis off into a likely disastrous adventure.

Inside of the emporium, watching through rectangular glasses, a pair of eyes belonging to Miriam followed the hummer until it vanished from sight. A smile crossed her face and she turned to her new helpers and conspirators of sorts. Rhonda was already glancing back and forth between multiple monitors and Suzie was surveying the shelves of merchandize carefully.

"Well, then." Miriam said confidently, "Shall we begin?"

"I already have." Rhonda said as she cracked her knuckles.

* * *

**Shall we begin? I already have. **

**I originally was gonna have Arnold go with the Patakis but... this story has already gotten a little over bloated with ideas, so to keep the focus on the relationships between Helga, Bob and Papa... Arnold didn't make the cut. Hope he didn't seem TOO unconcerned with Helga's well-being here...**

**Onto the act three adventure. Favorite and review! Or Bigfoot... will be real... I guess... I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors, or sentences suddenly ending unexpectedly. Don't drink and write, kids.**


	7. When Acronyms Attack

**Response to my reviewers:**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i: She didn't run away… because… she um… *runs away***

**DanteVirgirl09: He still has so much more mind to lose. You shall have more. **

**Kryten: Mud-covered naked Bob mistaken for the missing link… no… that's not where this was going… *frantically scratches that idea off potential endings***

**How Miriam knows Rhonda? Uh… well… social media? Let's go with that. **

**starwater09: Stinky may be simple… but he's oddly perceptive, even if he doesn't realize it. **

**Anonymous Latino: Meheheh, I thought so too. Thank. **

**Helga is… sadly used to aspects of Bob's uncaring nature. **

**That is based on a real line a former roommate of mine once shouted. "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MILK ME." I don't even remember what the context of that was…**

**Yeah. Arnold can't be his usual big buttinsky self here. This is a situation the Patakis have to resolve on their own. Or at least die trying to…**

**As to Helga's feelings for Arnold 'normalizing'… I hadn't really considered that, but I do see it now. In real life… a kid with a crush on another kid would probably be disappointed if they ever got what they wanted… but in the case of Arnold and Helga obviously they're destined to be together by the rules this universe has established, but yeah… there is a certain lessening of her usual over the top obsession for him now that they're actually together within the stories I've told. **

**My new years resolution? Think up a new years resolution before the year is over. In the meantime here's some more of this story. If I've learned anything from 'Helga Unbound' or 'Silencing Nature' it's that to help garner an audience, leave people hanging for a good long while to build anticipation. Heheheheh… no, I've just been too busy to focus on writing. This story ended up having more ideas and themes than I first planned, so to do them all justice I've had to do something I've never done before… plan things out and devote time and care to my storytelling. Hopefully it'll work.**

**By this point… yeah, I've given up on my original attempts to try to write believable 11-22 minute 'episodes' of what could be a believable season 6 and have been making these stories a little too big, but whatever… season 6 will never happen so who cares. Here's how it would go in my twisted mind.**

* * *

Chapter 7: When Acronyms Attack

The hum of Big Bob's engine out on the open road eased him into just the right mental state he wanted to be in. He'd need to be in the zone if he hoped to succeed at his weekend project. He hadn't chosen the easiest of undertakings, and had declared his intentions of proving his father wrong about him in all areas, finding the elusive legend known to the world as Bigfoot, and perhaps most impossible of all he aimed to form some kind of meaningful connection with his equally caustic and stubborn tween daughter. Bob realized he wasn't the easiest sort to get along with, and this apple hadn't fallen far from the tree. He thought he'd done just fine as a father up until his own father accused him of doing an appalling job of raising Helga, and judging by the girl's attitude she seemed to agree. Now he'd been provoked to reach Helga, especially with his own father bonding with the girl with ease. He might've tried to spend a little more time with the girl earlier in her life but… well, he'd been busy with other things. Mostly work related. Or sports related. Or Olga related. Bob and Miriam had lucked out with their first child, the nigh perfect Olga who had all but raised herself and brought nothing but joy into their lives, whereas Helga on the other hand… well, by the point she had arrived to their surprise, Bob more or less thought his job as a parent had been over. Olga turned out right so he'd always figured Helga would be just fine without too much effort on his end, while he focused his efforts on his business. Yet with his wife mostly running his business for the time being, now Big Bob had the time to spare, and he expected Helga to be grateful for that.

And still, he realized his trying to connect with Helga was like trying to connect the negative ends of two batteries; seemingly impossible and ultimately pointless. It dawned on him that he had been thinking to himself about trying to bond with her, and hadn't said a word to her since they'd left Hillwood hours ago. He had to start making some effort, and so grabbing at his collection of snacks, he pushed one at Helga in the backseat.

"Jerky?" Bob offered.

Helga sniffed at it and retched.

"No thanks…" she declined

"Okay… what else have I got… pork rinds?"

Helga shuddered at the notion.

"Thanks, I don't…" she again refused, "On second thought, jerky sounds alright now…"  
She grabbed at the bag and started shoveling handfuls of meat strips into her maw.

"Oh really, Helga… smaller bites now." Papa Pataki urged.

"Right. Sure." Helga said through a mouthful of beef. "Might be the last time I get to eat on this suicide mission of Bob's…"

"Come now, let's hear more of that delightful freeform poetry of yours." Papa suggested.

Over the course of hours on the road, Bob had successfully tuned out both Helga and his old man, who were composing and reciting poetry together, depicting their weekend journey. Bob had nearly thrown up just listening to all their flowery verbal garbage, and just turned them out first with talk radio and then later loud blue grass music as they traveled deeper and deeper into the ominous and forbidding northwestern woods.

Unfortunately, some of Helga's words finally crept through to his unsuspecting ears.

"… two diadems in a vast sea of excrement, guided down the river styx by a blustery ogre in search of ambiguous adventure and his woolly next of kin…"

"… enduring the ogre's robust bouquet of self made perfume…"

Bob sniffed himself, and then paused for a moment of self-reflection. He certainly didn't consider himself a poet, or even the sort of man who could appreciate poetry, unless it pertained to the grace and artistry of the sight of Green Bay's quarterback getting sacked, and still he got his daughter's implication loud and clear. A blustery ogre? Was that really all she saw him as? And a smelly one at that? Sure, Bob didn't exactly ever feel the need to lower his voice, and why should he? To him, if anything was worth saying then it was worth saying loud and clear to the world… which he had to now begrudgingly admit to himself (privately of course) did make him put his foot in his mouth now and then, which gave people the impression that he was somewhat less than sensitive to the feelings of others. But what did any of those stupid chumps know?

Still, his daughter's earlier reminder to him that he had once called her boyfriend 'orphan boy' nagged at him in the form of that tiny little internal voice of reason that occasionally whispered things… what did people call that? A conscience? It was either that or schizophrenia, one of those two things. Anyway, Bob privately felt sorry that anyone could take his commentary the wrong way. He'd stated an objective fact; the kid was an orphan… at the time, the fact that he'd found his long lost parents only mitigated his small feelings of guilt, knowing Arnold now had the parents he'd so sorely craved. If the kid had only known the harsh reality that parents generally disappointed at best, and at worst… were like Bob's own Papa.

Bob's hands tightened around the steering wheel. Nothing, NOTHING he had done in life had ever been good enough for his old papa, and more than anything this weekend was about earning that respect. If he happened to prove himself to Helga as a worthy father in the process, then all the better.

In his rare moments of self reflection Bob realized that he might not have been the most ideal father himself, but when compared to his own father he figured he deserved to win father of the year. Plus, at least he hadn't fallen asleep in the jungle for ten years, so Helga couldn't call him completely negligent. And here he was taking her on a once in a lifetime adventure, and all she could do was sulk. Sulk and come up with endless flowery poetry, which Papa Pataki was just encouraging. Though he had to admit, some of her prose was… well, pretty good for a nine year old, or what was she now? Ten? Twelve? It didn't matter. Past was past. This weekend Bob intended to prove himself as a passable parent, and more importantly make his mark on the world as the discoverer of Sasquatch. Miriam had taken his throne at the beeper store, and if he couldn't be the beeper king anymore, then he'd make an even bigger name for himself. Big Bob Pataki; the man who bagged Bigfoot… a legend.

The hummer hadn't passed a manmade structure apart from road signs for nearly an hour, and then at last the three Patakis beheld a vast mountain range unfolding before them. Just as soon as the vista came into sight, it disappeared as pine trees taller than buildings in Hillwood eclipsed everything but the sky above. They were deeper into the wilderness than they'd been on their camping trip of a few years ago, and were all but off the grid now.

"Ah, the great outdoors…" Papa sighed, "I hope you're prepared, Bobby. You never were too adept with-"

"Prepared? You kidding? I've got all the gear we'll ever need, and enough survival expertise for the three of us. Why, I can build us a rudimentary compass just using a stick in the ground, and then have the sun direct us where to go! Just like the natives used to."

"Uh huh." Helga said sounding unimpressed, "If you'll both indulge me for a moment, I'm just gonna get this one off my chest right now: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" She shouted so loudly her voice echoed through the trees and sent birds into flight all around them. Her father and grandfather looked at her with blank expressions.

"Thanks, I feel better now." she yawned, "Come on, let's get this little death march over with."

"That's the spirit." Bob said, as he grabbed for a large hiking backpack roughly twice the size of Helga herself, and then proceeded to drop it into her.

"Oof!" Helga collapsed under the enormous backpack and glowered at her father.

"That one's yours. Careful, you've got all the recording equipment in there for once we set up base camp at- WHAT'S THAT?" Bob shouted abruptly.

Helga whirled around to see the terrifying apparition of… a large stump, in roughly the shape of… something.

"It's alright, it's alright." Bob reassured her, "Just a log… I thought for a sec it might be Sasquatch."

"Sighting one… a stump." Helga groaned, "Nature has already stumped the chump… literally."

"Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey!" Bob poked a finger threateningly at her, "Careful calling your old man a chump… because if I am then it's hereditary, girl."

"Really, Bobby." Papa admonished his son, "Is all this really necessary? Why don't you just admit what this is all really about and save us the-"  
"What this is about is defending the family name! Our honor!" Bob declared, "I'm gonna make a name so big for all of us it'll make you two sick…"

"Oh, I'm already there Bob." Helga grumbled, as she stuck her tongue out and retched.

"Look, let's just get all our stuff ready to- WHAT'S THAT?" Bob abruptly shouted and pointed off into the woods again.  
Helga just nonchalantly turned her head this time and saw a large patch of lichen on a rock, which did have a vaguely human shape this time. Still, it was clear to her that her father was seeing things.

"This is going to be a long weekend…" Helga sighed, "In the off chance we get out of these woods alive."

"Never you worry, dear." Papa reassured her, "Your grandpapa is here to keep you safe from all the dangers of the wilderness… and especially from your father…"

Bob glared at his old man, and then lifted another large backpack.  
"And I guess I'll have to carry yours for you, old man." Bob glared at his father.

Papa Pataki responded by grabbing the giant backpack, throwing it on with ease, and then placing an alpine hat atop his head. He shot a smug smirk at his son and the gestured for him to lead the way.

"Lead on, your highness…" Papa said sarcastically. "I'll watch over your princess while you're off spotting Bigfoot behind every tree."

Helga smirked at the notion.

"Ah Grandpapa, what would we do without you?" she asked.

"I can't in all honesty imagine." the old man smiled back at her.

"These woods may be big enough to hide Sasquatch, but they're not big enough to hold all the sarcasm coming out of you two…" Bob groaned as he lead the pack off onto the trail. Helga glanced back at the hummer. She'd never been terribly fond of the metal beast, but now she looked at it longingly for fear she'd never see it again. Now she was at the mercy of a far more terrifying beast: her father's imagination. At least she still had Papa Pataki around to keep them safe. Somehow.

After the group had hiked about a mile into the woods, Helga, who had done an admirable job lugging a backpack large enough for her to crawl inside of, was predictably starting to let her mood show. Not that it mattered to her father who was still rambling off all his supposed expertise in Bigfoot tracking.

"… vocalizations, and wood-knocking. Those are the best signs to let us know we're on the right track, people." Bob said, "And it's supposed to emit a strong odor… we should be able to smell it."

Helga sniffed the air and retched again.

"This whole place stinks…" she said.

"Yeah, stinks of bad attitude!" Bob scolded her. "Take a page from your little boyfriend's playbook and starting looking on the sunny side!"

"Why is nature even still a thing?" she asked, "Seriously, we have cities now… do we really need all this?"

"Ah come on. I tell ya, it doesn't get any better than this." Bob declared. "Just man against the wild… a whole frontier still waiting to be conquered! Nope, nothing beats this!"

As Bob marveled at the rich majesty of nature, bird droppings came plopping onto Helga's face before she could even say a word in response.

"I disagree…" she groaned as she threw down her backpack.

While Papa wiped his granddaughter's face off, Bob took no notice of her protests and just continued monologuing, "And best of all, we're so far from civilization there's not a single loser out here bigger than- hey what's that?"

"What's what?" Helga asked as she poked at a crawling insect on the ground with a stick.

"I hear something, listen." Bob urged.

"Oh, probably just your stomach growling, Bobby." Papa suggested, "You haven't eaten in nearly an hour."

"Quiet…" Bob insisted, "Something's headed our way…"

The three Patakis fell silent and listened carefully. Apart from the cacophony of birds and insects echoing throughout the forest, sure enough they could hear a faint crunching sound in the distance. As they listened they could hear the sound gradually drawing closer, which prompted Helga to slowly rise to her feet and stand close to Papa Pataki. An ominous feeling fell over them as they began to feel less and less alone in these woods.  
"Now look, I'm not saying it's Sasquatch… but it's definitely not something we can't rule out as not Sasquatch…" Bob whispered intensely.

"I think you have to rule everything else out first…" Helga insisted. "You know, like say… a bear… a bear who won't believe his luck at having an appetizer, a four course meal and desert walking straight into his-"

"You're right, Olga!" Bob declared, having clearly not listened to a word from her, "With everything else ruled out it has to be Sasquatch!"

Helga could only lower her head and sigh as Papa Pataki just shook his head disapprovingly as always.

"Less than an hour into the woods and he thinks he's found it…" Helga sighed, "Not sure what else I was expecting."

"Oh, just indulge him." Papa sighed, "Your father has quite the little imagination, doesn't he?"

"I'll try and communicate with it…" Bob spotted a small log and grabbed for it, "Wood knocking… how they communicate over long distance."

Bob started pounding the log against the trunk of a tree, causing a loud echo to reverberate through the woods.

"Yep, just keep ringing that dinner bell for the bears to find us, Dad… great idea…" Helga clung to Papa's sleeve, but then to her shock… Bob's call was answered.

Another loud knock sounded in the distance caught their attention, causing all three of them to freeze in shock.

"Was that…?" Helga tried to say, but then to their further shock and alarm, they could hear more wood knocking sounding them from all sides.

"Oh criminey…" all three Patakis said in unison.

"Let's head back to the car… like yesterday…" Helga insisted.

"Oh no…" Bob said firmly, "Not when we stumbled onto the jackpot on our first try!"

"Now Bobby…" Papa started. "I think there may be a more logical explanation for-"

"Not now with the logic, old man!" Bob shut him down, "We… we gotta try and communicate… let him know we mean it no harm, and we're just trying to show the whole world that it's real. I'll try a Sasquatch call… a little friendly greeting…"

Helga immediately got the feeling that whatever noise Big Bob was about to make would match the melodious lyricism of his singing voice, which he fortunately only favored them with once a year around Christmas.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Bob cried out, forcing Helga and Papa to cover their ears.

"That's a friendly 'hello' in Bigfoot?" Helga shouted.

"Hey, who's the expert here, little missy? You or me?" Bob shot back, and then grabbed his phone from his pocket, "Oh right… we should probably be recording this… that was the whole point."

Helga similarly grabbed her own phone and looked into the camera as she started recording.

"If this recording is ever found, I Helga G. Pataki did not survive. I only ask that my remains be buried somewhere far, far away from those of my father Big Bob-"

Taking no notice of Helga leaving her last will and testament, Bob began narrating into his own phone.

"Big Bob Pataki… professional ruler of business empires, amateur scientist and full time winner, is now poised to expose to the world one of its greatest secrets."

Then something else abruptly grabbed his attention.

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" another loud vocalization out in the woods roared.

"Game over, Bob!" Helga shouted, "Come on! Let's get out of here!"

"Sasquatch… known to most Americans as Bigfoot… responds to my call!" Bob declared.

Now Helga had grown frantic to the point of tugging on both her elders in the direction of the car.

"This is all escalating rather quickly, I must say." Papa said nonchalantly.

"As we stand on the threshold of the great unknown, we may have been blessed by nature herself with the privilege of beholding one of her last great hidden wonders…" Bob narrated into his phone, but then he began to trail off as he heard something else. He could hear vocalizations emerging from the woods around them, and they sounded almost human.

"… nature at last gives up one of its last great hidden wonders…" another voice from the woods appeared, and then gradually was joined by a chorus of others from all sides.

"… the forest reveals to us now one of its last great hidden wonders…"

"… we are now beholden to nature's truest gift and last great hidden wonders…"

"… at last with my own two human eyes I reveal to you one of nature's great hidden wonders-"

Big Bob's jaw dropped, "Mother stumper! They can talk!"

Helga meanwhile had gotten a hold of herself as she realized what was happening. One by one, several large hairy creatures began appearing through the foliage, but they weren't surrounded by Bigfoots… Bigfeet… or whatever the plural may have been. No, they were surrounded by Bigfoot trackers, predominantly large mountain men with big hairy beards.

"Oh…" Bob groaned as reality sank in, "Never mind. Not Sasquatch… just Sasquatchers."

"There it i!" one of the larger hairier men called out, as he pointed at Bob, "Oh wait… no. Darn it, once again a potential bigfoot turns out to be another guy looking for Bigfoot. What are the odds this would happen almost every single time. Sorry, mister we thought you was… wait, Olie? That you?"

Bob glared in the man's direction only for him to recoil as he realized his mistake.  
"Oh… no, sorry it's just you look a lot like… you must be related. Ollie looks just like you… just a lot more handsome." the man said.

Each group, apparently equally oblivious to one another as the Patakis had been all gathered into the clearing, all flanked by cameramen.

"Who the heck are you clowns?" Bob bellowed.

"Mark Monigrubber, of the S.E.R." the man introduced himself.

Helga recognized his voice from the promo for 'Seeking Sasquatch' and had to suppress a laugh.

"Oh, right…" Bob groaned, "From that stupid TV show…" Bob groaned.  
"Stupid!?" Mark shouted, "Whaddaya mean stupid? We got ratings and stuff!"

"Ratings and over a hundred episodes of not finding anything." Bob huffed.  
"Hey, we've mounted hundreds of searches! How many you done?"  
"This is the first." Bob stated confidently, "And it'll be the last, because we're actually gonna find something!"

"Hey, our show has gotten more evidence than any of these other shows!" Mark gestured to the other teams of bigfoot trackers, all giving one another dirty looks.

"Yeah? And it's still just added up to a big steaming heap of nothing!" Big Bob shot back.

"Oh yeah? Well, what's your outfit?" Mark asked.

"Uh, business casual?" Bob responded.

"No, no, what outfit are you? Your group. What Squatcher organization do you represent?" he clarified, "You gotta be a legitimate licensed group to be out looking for squatches!"

"Oh yeah? Says who?" Bob challenged.

"Says we!" all the groups responded in unison.

"What are you all union?" Bob huffed.

"That's right, pal." Mark said, "And as the premiere most foremost legitimate bigfoot organization in the world-"

"No, that's our group!" Another man shouted, "Tom Sitting, of the Allied Bigfoot Community! A.B.C.! We're way more sciencey than you guys!"

Mark laughed, "We're S.E.R., the Sasquatch Expert Researchers! And we've got a TV show."

"So? We've got a documentary!" Tom insisted, "We're just not done filming it! Besides, I've seen the creature more than a hundred times! I just forget to charge my camera every time! This time I'm gonna get him!"

"You're both wrong." another man wearing a suit and dark glasses stepped forward, "I'm from the S.P.A., the Sasquatch Protection Agency. And we're the premiere Sasquatch organization, with way more scientific knowhow than any of you."

"Oh ho, a government man!" another man called out, and to Helga's horror she recognized this man as the rather colorful Hillwood Zookeeper she'd previously run afoul of a few weeks ago.  
"Friends, heed these words of mighty Zeus. The amount of love for this mysterious creature is admirable, but we are too many! Now we encroach upon the great Lady Sasquatch's home! I urge you all to return home! For only we of the Sasquatch Lovers Society possess the heart, soul and deep connection to mother nature to be the group that shall uncover what she has so selfishly guarded beneath her-"  
"No, no! We've got a deep spiritual bond with the magnificent beast! We are the Sasquatch Fellow Friends and Family Firm of Filmmakers for Freedom! SFFFFFF!" another man wearing a long robe with a hippie daisy shouted.

"People! Please!" Mark called for calm, "Look, it don't matter what group you're with, so long as you're all registered and official! It don't matter which group is more official, because we're already the most official so don't get your panties in a wad!"

Unsurprisingly, this only caused more of a stir in the rival search parties. As they all quarreled, Helga could only watch in a mixture of amusement and annoyance. Mostly annoyance.

"Criminey, I'm surrounded…" she groaned as Bob and the other Bigfoot groups all challenged one another. She now privately wished a bear had attacked them instead of this. She reached into her backpack and withdrew a bag of beef jerky. "Surrounded, annoyed and now hungry to boot… if I live through this I just hope no one ever finds out about this whole-"  
"Hi, Helga!" came a high pitched, flutey voice from one of the groups.

Helga spun on her heel and beheld a tall willowy girl wearing a long shirt with a big hippie daisy, standing amongst a large group of bigfoot trackers who looked a lot more like hippies than hunters.

"Sheena?" Helga all but laughed, recognizing her classmate, "What are you doing out here, granola girl?"

Just as Sheena opened her mouth to answer, Helga answered her own question.

"Never mind, stupid question. Of course the nature girl would be a believer in Bigfoot, too…"

Sheena frowned, "Sasquatch, please." she corrected. "I guess the better question is what are you doing out here?"

"Me? Oh you know, just getting in touch with mother nature and all that crap." Helga muttered as she very intentionally sank her teeth into another strip of beef jerky with Sheena watching, causing the vegan girl to wince. "And I gotta say, nature tastes a lot better when it's ground up, fried and smothered with cheese on a bun… but you know me. Not one to complain."

Sheena recoiled at the thought, and at Helga's loud chewing.

"No… no definitely not you." she sighed, as both the girls turned their attention back to Big Bob and Mark Monigrubber who were still arguing louder than any of the other squabbling groups.  
"Listen pal, you gotta be an officially licensed research group to be out searching for Bigfoot." Mark insisted, "This is serious science! Not just some sideshow any jerk with a camera can do!"

"Yeah!" shouted a man pointing his camera at Bob.

"Your lens cap is on." Bob pointed out to him.  
"Oh…" the man groaned in disappointment, "So that's how Bigfoot keeps evading our cameras…"  
"Okay, can we please be a little more sensitive about using the 'B' word?" Sheena cut in, "Sasquatch, please."

"Seriously." Sheena's mother agreed, "Are we the only ones who are actually considering that this creature has feelings?"

"It won't once we find it and bring it in for science!" a grizzled looking militia man declared.

"You'd kill it? What if you killed the last one?" Sheena's mother gasped.

"You see?" Mark Monigrubber poked at Bob, "This is serious stuff. It's a very real scientific debate and not just something for city slickers and tourists to gawk at. You gotta have a registered professional group to be doing this kind of field work!"

"Yeah?" Bob asked, "Well it just so happens that we are a real research group!"

"Oh yeah, what is it?" Mark asked.

"Us? We're the uh…" Bob stumbled.

"They don't really have one…" someone jeered.

"We do too! We're the uh… uh…" Bob looked at his father who was just giving his signature unimpressed stare. Then suddenly without thinking it through, Bob shouted, "We're the uh… Pataki Men Squatchers!"

Upon hearing this, Helga just blinked, but then collapsed to the ground in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

"Oh man…" She wheezed, "You REALLY might wanna rethink that- nah, never mind. Keep it. It's perfect. You heard him right! We're the Pataki Mens Squatchers! We are PM-"

"You forget, there's a lady in our group." Papa interrupted.

Bob very quietly muttered under his breath, "I know you are, but what am I…"

"What was that?" Papa asked warningly.

"Nothing, nothing…" Bob said, sounding like a nervous child again, as only Papa Pataki could make him feel.

"Whatever." Helga cut in, "I'll be a man for the weekend if it means we can keep that acronym."

"Helga…" Papa said scoldingly, but Helga took no notice.

"Pataki Mens Squatchers…" Mark searched his registry on a clipboard, "Nope, don't see you anywhere on here…"

"If I may…" Papa Pataki at last spoke up, "Bob here is indeed the brother of one Ollie Pataki."

Mark's eyes went wide at the mention of Ollie's name, as did everyone else in his group. Helga observed the looks being exchanged between the two men and realized there was more going on than either of them were saying, but she recognized that quiet look of authority in Papa's eyes once again and realized he was in complete control.

"Ollie Pataki… that man has produced and sold more evidence for Bigfoot than… than… okay, uh, my mistake man…" he said, "Sure uh, Pataki Mens Sasquatchers. I'll ad you in our registry… uh, I'll even wave the imitation fee! You're all set!"

"That's all it takes to be a certified Bigfoot group?" Helga laughed, "Just paying dues to you?"

"Yep. And that's what made this country great." Mark said. "Happy Squatching everybody! And remember if you get any evidence, bring it straight to the SER, the premiere science-based Sasquatch research group!"

"Oh, no, no!" another researcher interjected.

Helga observed as every group trained their cameras on the feuding heads of the rival groups, and she had to admit this all made a much more interesting documentary or reality TV subject than any imaginary ape could. Maybe that was the real appeal of this entire business. As the rest of them continued loudly arguing, the Pataki group wandered off following Big Bob down the trail.

"Good thing your brother is so well respected in Bigfoot circles." Papa said, "Or this little expedition would be dead before it started."

"Criminey, what a bunch of freaks. See what I mean? None of them are purists. I doubt if a single one of them even believes Sasquatch is real." Bob admonished, "And even if they do, none of those clowns take this seriously enough to ever prove it. They're all too Hollywood about it."

He then withdrew a rather expensive looking camera from Helga's bag and held it aloft.

"Here. You millennials are good with all this modern recording stuff." Bob grunted as he shoved the camera into his daughter's hands, "You be our cameraman."

"Me?" Helga asked in surprise.

"Yeah, you. I'm the one with the onscreen charisma." Bob insisted, "All those years of doing those Beeper King commercials."

"My Beeper Princess Ad was better…" Helga said.

"She's right, you know." Papa agreed.

"No, no!" Bob stamped his foot, "We do this my way, and you two better not screw this up for me! Now, c'mon! This way! We head north! Sasquatches are always north of civilization!"

As Bob struck out ahead of the others, Papa Pataki shook his head and sighed.

"Little Bobby's getting awfully cranky, isn't he? All this fresh air must be overwhelming him."

Bob then came tromping back and began leading them in the opposite direction he'd just been leading.

"This way! The other north!" he corrected.

For the next several hours as the sunlight slowly waned, Helga filmed as Bob endlessly pointed to every little thing they came across as a sign that they were close to locating their quarry. Helga even had to point out to Bob that a supposed Bigfoot track remarkably matched his own boot print. Bob appeared desperate for some small bit of validation, and he wasn't getting it. Eventually the came across a clearing and set up their camping equipment. Normally Bob brought an RV camping, but didn't have the budget for it this time, and if they wanted to find what they were looking for they'd have to go the more traditional camping route.

Helga had been relentlessly mocking her father all this time, naturally, but even she was growing tired of that. She had no desire to be out in the wilderness and knew she'd somehow have to get her father to see reason if she wanted out. That or she'd have to get Papa to just pull rank on Bob.

* * *

**And just like that, Sheena very nearly almost gets to do something in a HA! story, and the universe once again says 'no.' Poor Sheena. I mean… could anyone really stand to listen to her voice for more than a few words? I think Francesca Smith would be the one to suffer the most having to voice her in an expanded role. Ouch.**

**So, in looking up Sheena's family I thought I found a fun little continuity error, or better yet a little domestic drama that was going on in the background of HA! In 'Stinky's Pumpkin' we get a glimpse of Nadine's parents. Her father appears to be the one she gets her hair from, and has that hippie look about him. But wait… in the episode 'Parents Day' we see the same man standing with Sheena and her mother during the gelatin joust. What conclusions can we draw from this? Does Nadine's father have a twin brother who is Sheena's dad? Could it be that he's a polygamist and Sheena and Nadine are half siblings? Did he father children with multiple families and is struggling to keep this a secret? Could he have just been standing near Sheena's family coincidentally? Impossible, I say! Clearly this man has multiple wives and- and then I looked more carefully at an earlier scene and spotted Sheena's actual dad. Well, that was a fun bit of over-analyzing while it lasted. **


	8. Beating Around the Bush

**Response to my reviewers**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i: Well yes, she should've. It always makes for a duller story when the characters make smart decisions of course.**

**Kryten: Mehehehe. No, no, that's the kind of joke I was inviting with that…**

**starwarter09: The journey continues… to fail. **

* * *

Chapter 8: Beating Around the Bush

To the surprise of no one except Bob, after hours spent tromping through the woods, jumping at shadows and shooting footage of endless nothingness, the Pataki party had found neither Sasquatch nor any dignity on their expedition. Bob alone remained fanatically optimistic at the prospect of succeeding where many others had failed. And hauling a backpack nearly twice her size though the woods for hours had begun to take a toll on Helga's famously sunny attitude.

"No really…" Helga panted, beginning to succumb to fatigue, "I really think it could be hiding up there… of all the trees and rocks we've looked behind, that's gotta be the one…"

"Quit your sassing and let's stay focused, girl." Bob said. "Once we're up top I'm gonna need you to set up our base camp."

"Bobby, really." Papa sighed, "Having our little princess take on that burden all on her own? Come now, surely we can't ask the princess take on what should be our job?"

Helga grinned in response. It was nice to have an elder who consistently had her back for a change.  
"Yeah, that's right." she said, "Good ol' Papa Pataki gets it."

"You two won't be so smug when I get our money shot" Bob said, "Heck, we might've already gotten it on film today and just didn't see it… Bigfoot is elusive, but it can't hide from me!"

"Bobby, what's this really about?" Papa sighed, "Are you really going to this length to-"

"Yep, here's good." Bob ignored him, "We make camp here, and at dawn… we're going off the trail."

"Off trail?" Helga asked, "Just speeding up the process of getting us killed?"

"Bigfoot doesn't abide by manmade trails… and that's how we're gonna find it." Bob declared, "Now let's get to work."

Having called it a day, now Bob sat pouring through the saved images on his camera, and surveying the load of evidence his little team had gathered throughout the day. The light had since waned and they had now set up their campsite far from the other hunting parties. After they had set up the tent, Papa Pataki sat near the campfire heating a teapot hanging from a spit. From the tent Helga emerged, now wearing a forest camouflage bow and jumper as opposed to her usual pink ensemble. Bob, not one to take notice of his youngest daughter, but currently one to jump at any sudden movement glanced up and saw her new outfit, which caused him to smile.

"There, now that's the spirit little lady." he said.

"Just trying to avoid being seen." Helga muttered, "By bears, cougars, bigfoot hunters… or you."

She strolled by Bob and then sat down next to the fire. She pried open their cooler and pulled out a hot dog, stuck it onto a stick and then proceeded to roast it over the fire.

"Of course I'm already a world champ at avoiding being seen by you, Bob." Helga snickered, "Not sure how, but I am."

"Criminey, quit your belly aching, girl." Bob grumbled.

"I can't." Helga shook her head, "Something about being in the 'Pataki Mens' Squatchers is just making me feel really bloaty and crampy. Go figure."

"Come, come Helga dear, let's not be grouchy." Papa said with a smile, "Don't let little Bobby ruin your day. Why don't we just sit around the fire, while I tell you more family stories? Has your father told you about his football days?"

Helga looked over at Bob who was just scowling at the images on his camera, giving the distinct impression that Papa was about to spill more memories he was none too proud of.

"Not in detail." Helga said, "What position did you play, dad?"

"Bench." Papa laughed, "Ah but really, why don't we all share a few stories around the fire? You must have some good ones, dear."

Helga pondered. She still felt this whole expedition to be a suicide mission, but then she figure she'd survived worse in the jungles of Central America.

"Well… I could tell you all about my class trip to San Lorenzo last year…" Helga suggested.

Bob again tuned his father and daughter out as he continually and fanatically scrutinized the images. He had come to the end, and now he turned his attention to the film footage, searching for any details he could have missed. All the while he could hear Helga rambling on about pirates or something. She went on for quite a while before reaching her story's grand finale.

"… and that's how I saved the hidden city and became a goddess to the Green Eyed people." Helga said, wrapping up her story. She then eagerly devoured her hot dog.

Papa just blinked in response. Helga realized her story was a little beyond the realm of belief for most people, but she figured if anyone she could trust her grandfather to believe it.

"Quite an imagination, you have." He smiled.

"Hey! I didn't embellish a single detail!" Helga snapped, "Well… okay, maybe that bit where the Corazon gave me super powers, but the rest is all true."

"Now now, Helga dear. Exaggerating and romanticizing old stories is for grandparents." Papa joked, "Now, since your father is so bent on claiming the title, would you like to hear how I became the 'Big Pataki?'"

Helga stuck another hot dog onto her stick and stuck it into the fire.

"Well, we didn't bring a TV, so sure." Helga nodded.

"Now, as I told you, the title isn't granted, it must be claimed…"

Bob meanwhile, felt his chest pounding as he squinted carefully at his footage. Even if he hadn't seen Bigfoot, he felt fairly confident that Bigfoot had seen them. Winning the sort of respect and validation from his old man and daughter wouldn't be easy, but he knew that despite hundreds of failed searches couldn't hold a candle to one mounted by a Pataki. He thought back to all those times his father had discouraged him from studying the harp, and instead pushing him to play football. And naturally, even when he did the things his old man wanted it was never good enough in his eyes. Bob glared at his father, recounting his ascendency to declaring himself the 'Big Pataki' as Helga listened on tender hooks. Bob rolled his eyes, having heard more than a few versions of this story throughout his life. Papa appeared to be nearing a conclusion now.  
"… tragically, he never returned from that hunting trip, poor man. May he rest in peace." Papa sighed, "And thus I became the leader of the Pataki clan."

Helga blinked with her eyes wide.

"Okay… you didn't… I mean…"

"Well, I suppose that's enough for one night. This old man needs to get some sleep." Papa yawned as he stood up to head for the tent. "I suppose we have another big day in the morning. Goodnight, sweet princess. And be sure to turn in soon, little Bobby."

"Goodnight, _dad_." Bob grumbled.

With his father now inside the tent, Bob stood up and tromped over to the campfire where Helga sat. Sulking like a petulant child, Bob plopped down by the fire with his arms crossed. Helga listened as her father just mumbled barely coherently.

"Lousy old… stuff I gotta do to… nerve of that old… why I ought to…"

"Watch it, Bob." Helga warned, "He's still only ten feet away.

"The old fossil's a sound sleeper. And his hearing's going… I hope." Bob grabbed four hot dogs and skewered them, "You're lucky, girl. You'll never have to know what it's like to be emasculated by that old bag."

Helga raised her eyebrow as her father began roasting his dogs with her. She hated nearly everything about this whole scenario, and Bob's pathetic insistence that this trip was somehow for her benefit was the worst.

"Yeah. Lucky me." Helga groaned. "Let me guess… not a single Bigfoot caught on film today?"

"No positive visuals. But still, there was a foul odor just about every place we looked, so we must be on the right track."

"My gosh! He must have _just been_ every place we looked, and we _just _missed him every time! What are the odds?" Helga gasped sarcastically, "If only we had just been one more step ahead… we could explain that foul odor…"

And then with all the grace and artistry she could muster, Helga broke wind at just the right moment.

"Oh, never mind." she chuckled, "I guess that explains that. Must've been all that jerky."

"Criminey, girl!" Bob wretched for a moment, but then to Helga and his own surprise he actually laughed, loudly and warmly.

"Uh oh." Helga uttered, "He's finally cracking…"

Amidst his laughter, Bob gave his girl a friendly little slap on the back as if to congratulate her.

"Not bad, little missy. That one was in your old man's league, actually." Bob laughed.

"Huh?" Helga frowned, "I was trying to be off-putting with that, not endearing!"

"Ha, ha… ah man, that's the kind of father daughter stuff Olga would never appreciate…" he laughed.

"Oh great, I finally find the one thing that can make you proud of me and it's passing gas?" Helga huffed.

Bob looked at his sour faced daughter and the two of them just stared in silence for a minute. Bob turned his face back to the crackling fire and stared pensively.

"So uh… you still in school?" Bob asked.

"Nope, dropped out years ago." Helga quipped, "Come on, Bob. What am I really doing out here? This trip has to be the lamest attempt at bonding you've ever tried. You're only doing it because you're jealous of Papa."

"Oh yeah?" Bob challenged, "This is about way more than just you, little missy. When I find what we're looking for, and converted you to a believer, I can wipe that smug grin off Papa's face…" Bob said. "I'll finally have something on my brother… nothing I ever did was good enough for either of 'em…"

Helga sighed ruefully. That uncomfortable feeling of empathy was creeping back in. Of course, it would be far easier for her to sympathize with Big Bob if he could clue into her own feelings even slightly.

"Bob…" Helga said softly.

"I fought my whole life for respect… and just to gain some independence. Nothing I ever did was enough for him. Always wanted me to be more like Ollie. I thought after all this time I'd be over my need for-"

"Um, Bob?" Helga asked in concern.

Bob started gesturing wildly, "I know, I know, there's some kinda grand irony in there to be appreciated, but who cares? Talking about feelings isn't gonna fix anything! Patakis don't-"

"Bob! Your dogs are on fire!" Helga frantically pointed to Bob's four sausages that had caught on fire, that he had been unwittingly waving around like a torch.

"Augh! Holy Toledo!" Bob gasped and reflexively threw the stick, and sent the flaming food flying over towards where he had set his recording equipment.

"Ah crap, get water!" Bob shouted, but before he knew it Helga was already stomping the fire into the dirt frantically. Bob froze upon seeing the ferocious look of determination in his daughter's eyes. He felt as if she now almost reminded him of someone. Single handedly, or rather single footed Helga had just stomped out the flames.  
"Wow… nicely done, little lady." Bob said admiringly, "You might have just saved all our equipment… maybe the whole stinking park."

Helga just panted and nodded.

"Someone's gotta be on damage control…" she panted.

"Ah, Helga you've got a lot of spirit. You remind me of…" Bob trailed off slightly.

"Oh please don't say I remind you of you or something…" Helga shuddered, "I've been trying to shake that for years…"

"I was gonna say… well… your grandma." Bob said, sounding sentimental.

Helga looked at him. She could count on one hand the number of times in her life she'd seen her father on the verge of a human emotion other than rage, and he looked as if he could cry now.

"You… never really talked about her either." Helga said tentatively.

"She was a real fighter… knew how to keep everything together when the going got tough." Bob sighed. "Always there to stomp out whatever fires I started…" Bob looked at his daughter, "Not being metaphorical either… I started a lot of fires when I was a kid."

"Huh." Helga said drolly, "Well, is that enough of a sign for you? That we should just cut our losses and go home before-"

"No, no. We're seeing this through to the end!" Bob insisted, "You two are the reason we're out here in the first place!"

"What, me and Papa?" Helga asked flabbergasted, "This whole this is your passion project, you just dragged me along!"

"You left me no choice, little lady. It's obvious to be that despite everything I've done for you, you've got no respect for your old man! None! And that's why I've gotta earn it!" Bob declared. "I may have lost the respect of that whole stinking city, I never had Papa's, but I'm not quitting till I'm your hero!"

"Or we could have just stayed home and played checkers…" Helga sighed, "Or just showed some little sign that you actually wanted to spend time with me."

"I am spending time with you, girl." Bob said, "What do you call this?"

"'Big Bob Goes Bananas' featuring Helga." she snipped, and then started scribbling in her journal, "Not bad working title. I'll come up with something better later." she laughed to herself, and then stood up.

"Bob? Time to just face facts. You and me? We're never gonna be close. The ink has dried and the ship has sailed." she sighed, "I hope you find whatever you're looking for out here, but just leave me out."

And with that, Helga crawled inside the tent and zipped the flap behind her, leaving Bob just sitting by the fire pensively.

_A team of nurses stood around a despondent Miriam, lying in a hospital bed and looking exhausted and ragged. And given what she had just gone through she had good reason to be. This had been only the second time in her life she had gone through this experience, and the second time had been monumentally harder. The nurses and doctors all murmured quietly amongst one another and everything in the room was relatively quiet now._

_Suddenly the door to the delivery room burst wide open and a mountainous man pushed his way past the staff._

_"__I made it, Miriam!" Bob bellowed as the whole nurse staff looked at him in mild alarm. "How was it?"_

_"__Nya, whada? Ha? Myugawa?" Miriam murmured._

_One of the doctors made his way over to Bob and cleared his throat._

_"__Uh, congratulations, Mr. Pataki." the doctor said, "You're the proud father of a healthy ten pound-"_

_Before he could finish, Bob shoved past him and seized the swaddled little bundle from the midwife. A look of manic zeal crossed Bob's face as he starred into the face of his newborn child. As he looked it over, he could already see that unlike his daughter Olga, this one had gotten his distinct features. Lifting the child up and down lightly he marveled. _

_"__Wow, a ten pounder." Bob remarked, "Nice job Miriam."_

_He remembered that his firstborn had been a petite little thing that had arrived as elegantly and gracefully into the world as she went on to live her life. This new baby by comparison clearly had taken a toll on Miriam, but Bob figured her efforts were worth it in the end._

_"__Nyabaduh…" Miriam continued to drone incoherently, "… Iwadda… barabgada… gabada… gah… turnipda moar… moar pheen…" _

_Bob paid little mind to his exhausted and possibly delirious wife and just beamed with pride at their newborn._

_"__Wow…" he said, staring into the face of his second child, "What a handsome little guy… looks just like his old man."_

_The hospital staff all glanced at one another awkwardly as Bob just fawned over his child._

_"Regular chip off the old block," Bob fawned, now ready to burst with pride, "Welcome to the world, Robert Pataki Jr."_

_As eyes darted back and forth, with no one willing to break the news at first, at last the head doctor cleared his throat and spoke up._

_"__Ah, Mr. Pataki?" he asked._

_"__Now I can do all that father son junk that Olga never wanted to do." Bob smiled, not noticing the doctor fighting for his attention._

_"__Mr. Pataki?" the doctor asked again, this time just forcibly enough to get Bob's notice._

_"__What do you want, you little quack? Can't you see I'm having a moment with my baby boy here?" Bob said sternly, and then turned his attention back to the baby, "One day… my whole empire will all be yours, little man…"_

_"__Ah yes, well you see the thing with your uh, little man is that it's a uh…" the doctor._

_"__What? Wasn't born with something, was he?" Bob asked. "What's wrong with my little man!?"_

_"__Well just that your little man is a... little lady." the doctor said at last._

_"WHAT?" Bob bellowed, "Another one!?" _

_"__Yes, I'm afraid so." the doctor said, as he grabbed for his clipboard, "And, did you have a name? Or were you going to stick with Robert Jr.?"_

_"__Great, now I gotta come up with another girl name on the fly?" Bob just looked at the girl, now unable to hide his disappointment. All he could utter was, "Aw, hell…"_

_"__Gah…" Miriam groaned._

_"__So…" the doctor asked, "Helga? Then?"_

_"__Huh?" Bob snapped his attention back to reality, "Helga? Uh… yeah, yeah sure. We'll go with that. What do you think, Miriam?"_

_"__Nyu… smoothie… please…" Miriam whimpered, finally reaching words again. _

_"__Alright, fine. We'll stick with Helga." Bob affirmed, but then he shook his head, "But… wait, Helga and Olga? That's gonna get confusing… nah, never mind I can keep those straight."_

_Bob suddenly felt a firm grasp on one of his fingers. He looked down and saw little Helga had opened her eyes and was glaring at him. She squeezed his finger tightly and then started wailing loudly. Olga had barely made a sound up until she learned to play the piano at age three, and by the sound of it Helga was now going to be a different story. Despite his discomfort and annoyance with the loud screeching infant in his hands, Bob felt a smile forming on his face. Not a regular occurrence for him. _

_"__Wow…" Bob remarked, feeling a mild sense of admiration suddenly, "Gonna be a fighter, this one. Well, with any luck you'll turn out just like your sister. And daddy's gonna give you all the love and attention you deserve- hey!"_

_Bob suddenly shouted as he turned to the doctor and gestured to a nearby TV screen._

_"__Why isn't the tube on?!" Bob roared, "Green Bay was up in third quarter here and I've got a half grand riding on Seattle! Hey nurse! Quit standing around and switch the game on!"_

_Bob bellowed as he handed Helga off to one of the other nurses. _

Bob stirred in his sleep, as his memories haunted him. Whatever his past mistakes had been, he would have to go big or go home to win his father and daughter's respect. In his mind there was just no other way.

* * *

**This story is an unusual case of me having too many ideas for it, and thus having to make the painful choice of what to include and what not to.**

**Still, you have no idea how long I've been sitting on that joke about how Bob and Miriam named Helga... XD**

**Favorite and review! I need validation as much as Big Bob!**


	9. Pride of the Patakis

**Reviewer responses**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Number i: He does seem like kind of a close head injury victim doesn't he? I figure he got his head in the game more often than not, but his father just delights in belittling him.**

**Kryten: He's… getting… close… ish…**

**Guest: THANK YOU. I stand by that fart jokes can be funny if done properly. It is not the act of farting itself that is funny, but the context, who it's happening to and why.**

**starwater09: Oh good, I'm glad you liked it. I had that scene in mind for the last year with no story around it… this just ended up being the one I finally put it in.**

**Anonymous Latino: Similarly to Helga, Bob does have a very slow working conscious. My whole concept with him is that he was much like Helga when he was younger, he just never got the kind of help she did from the likes of Arnold and Dr. Bliss, and so he just continued down the road that made him what he is now. **

**He certainly put less thought into naming her than the creators did… from what I hear they named her Helga because it sounds vaguely like 'Hell Girl' but the name means 'holy' in German, which speaks to her dual nature.**

**WARNING: So… if you haven't read 'Miriam and Stella' that's sort of required for this chapter in particular. Kind of.**

* * *

Chapter 10: Pride of the Patakis

As morning light crept upon the slowly waking face of the out of place city girl, so too awoke her early morning wrath. Helga may not have enjoyed city life much, but she utterly hated being out in the woods with an even greater passion. City life, rural life, wilderness; she had to face the bitter truth at some point… she just kind of hated everything; especially this particular morning for some reason. But who could blame her for hating everything, given her family life? Her father had always been profoundly inattentive at best, and at worst kind of a raging monster. How ironic that now he had hauled her off on a pitiful bonding exercise in the north woods while he searched for a literal monster, when he could be confronting his more figurative monsters.

As a consummate writer, she knew she had to write that one down.

Helga figured she didn't have to face her own monsters anymore. She'd internalized and come to grips with her darker side, and thanks to people like Arnold she was able to keep them in check. And still… she felt as if her more monstrous nature could burst through her at any given moment now. She felt unbearable lower back and leg pain, which she surmised was from the miles she'd hiked into the woods to have to then try to sleep on the cold ground. The night's sleep had been trying for her. From the sound of crickets chirping in an endless white noise stabbing her eardrums, to the occasional ominous cries in the night that had her momentarily wondering if Sasquatch was in fact out there and stalking them, it hadn't been a peaceful slumber in a tent with her father and grandfather.

"Criminey…" she moaned as her eyes opened like rusty old gates, "And on top of everything else, I've got a splitting headache…"

Then without warning, a low ominous growling sound had Helga frozen in terror. She could feel every hair stand up on her skin as she braced herself to be eaten by a bear… until she quickly realized that her father had just let out a loud snore.

"And yet… I wish that had been a bear here to eat me…" she sighed.

She regarded her father, whom she had expected to be up all night freaking out over every little sound coming from the forest, but apparently the hike here had wiped him out too. After quickly throwing on her hiking boots, she quietly unzipped the tent and crept out to have a little time away from the two older generations of Pataki men in the tent. Helga stretched her arms and yawned, and as she tasted the air of the mountains she had to privately admit to herself… it did smell nice out here. Of course, that was compared to spending a night trapped in a tent with Big Bob, so really Bigfoot's own armpit would have smelled divine by this point.

Despite abiding with the enormous back pains and cramps, Helga grabbed her notebook from her backpack and plopped down on a nearby stump, and feeling struck by sudden inspiration she started scribbling down a few words eager to burst from her pen.

"Oh reservoir of molten angst, churning deep within… that this inner most turmoil might break free… a seething monster deep within yearns to be free… and flow forth like rivers of… man! What is wrong with me?" Helga gasped, suddenly feeling short of breath as she hunched over with abdominal pain, "Ugh, the beast within me would cast a shadow over these imagined beasts in the woods… casting them back into the dark recesses of man's most demented imagination, to hide amongst-"

Another low growling noise caught her attention for a moment, and she snapped her head back towards the tent with a scowl. As she glared at it however, it became clear that the sound hadn't come from that direction. Helga's head darted back and forth as she tried to determine exactly what she had heard and where it was coming from. Silence returned, and she could hear nothing. She didn't believe in Bigfoot as her father apparently did, but she did believe in any other number of lurking threats in the woods. An eerie feeling of dread overtook her, and she froze up, unable to shake the uncanny feeling that she was being watched.

"Okay… that thing I said before about wishing a bear had eaten me…." she muttered to herself, "I was kidding… c'mon…"

A twig snapped to her right and she leapt up off the stump. Helga raised her eyebrow and craned her neck, now trying to spot any movement in the distance.

"Don't panic…" she whispered, "Don't panic… you're just a scrawny little stick, Helga… if anything a bear's gonna go for that quarter ton of angry pork roast asleep in the tent…"

A daughter's momentary survival instinct driven wish to see her father eaten by a bear over her might have unnerved most girls… but most girls didn't have Big Bob Pataki for a father. Suddenly the distinct sound of footsteps filled her ears. Helga looked downward and spotted a tree brach, grabbed it and held it up like a club. She didn't call herself an expert on wildlife… but the footsteps she heard didn't sound like they belonged to a bear. Overtaken by sudden curiosity, Helga tiptoed towards the edge of the clearing and squinted her eyes. Scanning the woods for movement she could see nothing.

She couldn't explain why, be it the spirit of discovery or a secret yearning for death, but Helga cautiously wandered off towards the source of the noise.

"Helga, if this is the end of you… you totally deserve it… ah well, guess I'd rather go down fighting," she muttered, just as the sharp pain returned to her abdomen, "Ow… sonuva…"

Pulling out her phone, she opened the camera application as if now instinctively wanting to find the evidence that her father so sorely sought.

Mustering all her strength and courage in the face of her pain, Helga set off the path into the woods surrounding the camp. She'd braved far more terrifying frontiers in the rain forests of San Lorenzo, so she had little to fear, right?

Lost in thought, Helga wandered for several minutes until the camp sight was out of sight and earshot. Her eyes darted around wildly, searching for movement, as her ears perked up trying to catch any little sound. She couldn't even begin to explain her own actions in this moment. She didn't believe in Bigfoot any more than your average sane person, and yet on she pressed apparently hoping to catch sight of it now.

"Is it because I actually want Big Bob to succeed in his most stupid of endeavors?" she asked herself, "What is wrong with… me…"

And suddenly, she got her dubious wish. Rising up before her, there stood a large fur covered creature as clear as day. Not a bear, but an enormous apelike creature looking straight at her with cold dead eyes. As adrenaline pumped through her veins, Helga couldn't even manage to produce one of her usual ear splitting screams, nor could she even muster enough courage to make a grab for the camera.

To her surprise, her first instinct once it at last kicked in was to brandish her tree branch and scowl threateningly at the creature.

"Hey!" she bellowed.

To her shock, the creature stepped backwards, toppled and fell over backwards as it's foot snagged on a root. Helga at last raised her phone camera and prepared to take a photo. She couldn't believe it. Of all the hundreds of morons who had searched for this mythical beast, now _she_ was going to be the first moron to capture good proof of its existence.

Then it happened. As the beast hit the ground… its head fell off, and went rolling down the hill.

"Ugh!" Helga jumped back in shock at how fragile these creatures apparently were.

She was so distracted watching the head rolling down the cliff, that it took her a moment to see the distinctly human head now reacting upon Bigfoot's shoulders.

Helga breathed a sigh of relief as reality sank back in, but then she started to recognize the familiar tanned face framed by flowing blonde hair now looking at her.

"Chadwick?!" she gasped.

"Ugh… don't hurt me…" the former assistant zookeeper trainee groaned.

"What in the blue blazes are you doing out here?" she demanded. "And why are you wearing that!?"

"I… my uh… dad said I had to go back to basics and reacquaint myself with mother nature…" he moaned, "Didn't realize this is what he meant…"

Helga paused and squinted in Chadwick's direction. The young man had previously spoken in a bizarre fake accent with an over the top dramatic flare, back when he had been courting Olga, but now he just sounded like an average joe.

"What's happening here?" Helga asked.

"With what?" Chadwick responded.

"You. Wearing that." Helga said flatly.

"It's not a conspiracy!" Chadwick blurted out, sounding less confident than she remembered him from their last encounter, "I mean… it's a… hobby?"

"Psh, you expect me to believe wearing a fur suit is a hobby?" Helga huffed, but then considered, "Okay, yes it is… but not out in the woods where dupes are searching for Bigfoot…"

The wheels turned in her head and the pieces came together quickly.

"So, what? That Mark Monigrubber guy dresses up some guys like you in these costumes, gets some losers to snap a few pictures? And that counts as vague 'evidence' for his show? And that brings in a bunch of lumpy tourists out here hiring them as guides for jacked up prices?"

"I… yeah, probably." Chadwick nodded reluctantly, "That makes way more sense than what I thought they were doing…"

"Gotta be hot in that thing." Helga snickered.

"Oh, I am sweating rivers down my-"

"Yeah, yeah I figured. What about your dad, that Zeus character?" Helga asked, "He seems like he'd be a true believer. Does he know you're doing this?"

"He said to get in touch with the animal kingdom I had to get inside them…" Chadwick shuddered.

"Kind of a literalist, huh?" Helga laughed. "So he's a believer… and he still puts you in a monkey suit for what? To get more people out here searching for the 'real' deal?"

"My dad… is… insane…" Chadwick whimpered, "Do you have any idea what it's like to have a dad who forces you to do insane crap like this for his own demented reasons!?"

Helga cocked an eyebrow and gave him a half smile, feeling strangely sympathetic towards the big chump.

"More than you'll ever know." Helga sighed, "Seems like that brings us closer together."

Then a devious grin crossed Helga's face.

"_That_ and I know your big furry secret here." she said.

Chadwick frowned and stood up, trying to intimidate Helga.

"You're gonna keep quiet about-"

"Yeah, yeah I am." Helga dismissed his threat before he could even spit the whole thing out, "Because you're gonna be a good little Bigfoot and gimme a hand…" she glanced down at his feet, "… or should I say foot?"

Chadwick frowned, but seemed to accept he couldn't intimidate Helga, and so he reluctantly nodded.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I've got a fiendish plan forming here… here's the deal…" Helga began, but then winced in pain again, "Ow… these cramps… why does it just hurt to be alive this morning!?"

Back at the campsite, Big Bob at last rose from his slumber and stepped out into the wilderness again, letting loose a heavy yawn.

"Today's the day…" he said as he cracked his knuckles, "We're so close I can just taste it…"

"Close to what?" he heard a voice say.

Bob snapped his head over to where his father sat sipping his morning tea and giving him his standard unimpressed look.

"Close to winning it big! That's what Patakis do!" Bob growled.

"Yes, yes… which is why you'll never deserve that name." Papa sighed.

Bob clenched up his fists as he turned red with fury.

"Go ahead, get angry and throw a tantrum just like you always did since you were a child." Papa sighed, "Or are you going to finally admit-"

"I admit nothing!" Bob roared, but then he realized something was amiss, "Wait… where's the girl?"

"Dad!" Helga's piercing voice suddenly caught both of their attention.

They saw her running towards them from out of the woods wearing the most overtly terrified expression they'd ever seen.

"What's with you, little missy?" Bob scratched his head, "What were you doing out-"

"Oh just trying to figure out how girls are supposed to go in the woods, you know, nothing interesting," Helga panted, "But dad! I… I…"

"What?" Bob huffed.

"… I saw it." she said at last.

"Saw what?" Bob asked.

Helga spoke in a hushed voice, "Don't be alarmed, but there's this enormous, hairy, smelly creature lurking-"

"Helga dear, don't talk about your father that way." Papa said snidely.

"No seriously!" Helga said, sounding theatrically terrified, "Bob, I saw it!"

"Yeah, right." Bob huffed, "Now you're just having me on, girl."

"I mean it!" Helga insisted.

"Ah, you're just trying to make a fool out of your old man again." Bob dismissed her.

"Don't give her too much credit, Bobby." Papa said, "You didn't need her help with that-"

Helga swiftly grabbed the camera and marched over to the edge of the campsite. Bob raised his brow as he regarded his more skeptical daughter, and her possibly actual sincerity.

"Wait, you're really serious?" Bob asked.

"Of course!" Helga shouted, "I'm an incredibly serious girl!"

Bob looked at his daughter. Either she was an unbelievably talented actor, or she was being truthful. Of course, if she was sincere then that meant-

"YOU FOUND IT!?" Bob bellowed for joy as he similarly grabbed one of the other cameras and ran off to join his daughter.

"I'll just be waiting here when you realize you're both wrong…" Papa sighed.

"Shh… don't let him know we're here…" Helga insisted.

"Right…" Bob lowered his voice for one of a few times in his life.

With careful tact, the father daughter pair peered through the foliage trying to catch sight of movement.

"Where…?" Bob asked.

"There… by the tree…" Helga said.

"The tree? We're staring at a freaking forest, girl…" Bob muttered.

"The big one…" Helga pointed, "He's right over there…" she then muttered under her breath, "Or at least he's _supposed_ to be…"

And then, as if on cue, out from behind the wide buttress of a tree, out stepped the sight that Bob had dreamt of seeing since he had been a little boy.

"I don't believe it…" Bob said in awe, "I've waited for this day since…"

And then Bob looked at Helga and smiled with the sort of warmth and affection he once thought he'd used up on Olga.

"You make me proud to be a Pataki." he said.

Helga's bright smile evaporated, and a guilty look flashed across her face.

"You're… proud of me?" she asked.

"Of course I am! Look what you did for us! Now we're gonna be legendary, just like I said!"

"We?" Helga grimaced, "Aw criminey, I wasn't expecting that…"

"What? Thought I'd just hog all the glory for myself?" Bob asked.

"It's… been known to happen." Helga muttered, "But, hey great! We can worry about that later, now we've got our evidence, so we can pack up and-"

"Oh no, we're just getting started, girl." Bob cracked his knuckles.

"Come again?" Helga asked.

"Video and photographic proof are pieces of the puzzle, but they're not the whole enchilada, little missy." Bob said as he stood up. "And Big Bob Pataki is gonna get the whole enchilada…"

"Dad…?" Helga asked in concern.

"Know why the only evidence any bigfooters ever find are just blurry photos of something in the distance?" Bob asked.

"Because it's not real- uh... I mean... not really worth fussing over?" Helga laughed uncomfortably.

"It's because not one of 'em ever had enough guts to get up close and personal. Well, wait'll Bigfoot gets a load of Big Bob Pataki."

"Up… close?" Helga asked. "For a… better shot?"

"No, no." Bob said, "The only evidence that's ever gonna be proof positive is gonna be bringing in a specimen…"

Helga's jaw dropped.

"… dead or alive." Bob declared.

"Eep." Helga murmured in quiet terror.

Before she could even scream in protest, Big Bob charged straight ahead into the woods with his fists raised as he roared out a cry of challenge. Seeing him coming, the bigfoot suddenly froze in fear, and then rather than attempting to stand and fight it tore off into the woods with Big Bob hot on his tracks.

"Of course Bob's eloquent solution to trying to find a mythical creature would be to just up and try to assault it…" Helga remarked quietly, still in mild disbelief and shock at what was unfolding before her eyes. Before she even had time to think about what her grandfather had been doing all this time, she ran off after her father shouting, "Wait! Come back, you big doof!"

* * *

**Thank goodness Big Bob doesn't have a gun (on him at least). Favorite and review! Or he'll shoot Chadwick! … … some of you who read 'Miriam and Stella' want that to happen, don't you? Well, favorite and review anyway, or I'll be sad.**


	10. Fall of the Patakis

**Reviewer responses:**

**Kryten: Oh don't worry. This story will thoroughly punish him if nothing else… well, just enough anyway.**

**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i: Yes… a leg cramp… that's what's happening to her and definitely not something else… *eyes darting***

**Guest: Oh for sure. I wasn't implying her character journey is over, far from it, but she's at a point where she THINKS she has no monsters left to face. Part of growing up is reaching those points where you think you have everything figured out… and then realizing you don't. At all. Helga is at one of those stages right now. Hope that clears it up.**

**Anonymous Latino: The universe just never gives her a break, it's true. **

**See where it's going, eh? Well, I may or may not have one or two curveballs left but I hope you enjoy it regardless.**

**Heheh… that was my whole angle with Papa Pataki. Glad it worked.**

**EnvytheSkunk: Hey, it's cool. I'm just glad people are still reading this. **

**Whaaaa? No… no… that's not what's happening at all… no… perish the thought… … … … I may need to adjust the rating… I forgot I did break my rule in the last chapter when I had Big Bob finally cuss just a little bit. I thought it was worth it just for that joke alone…**

**Thank you for reading regardless. Trust me I get it. I'm reading several other fics and can't find the time to properly review them either.**

**starwater09: Oh he's got a plan… it's just a Big Bob Pataki plan, so it amounts to brute force and rage.**

* * *

Chapter 10: Fall of the Patakis

As she tore off into the woods after her father, Helga still had the frame of mind to admonish herself for what she had just done. No, deceiving her dad about a passion of his wasn't the nicest thing to do, but neither was dragging your child out on a dangerous expedition to find a creature that by any reasonable measure probably didn't exist. She could see Bob in the distance, but the man could run surprisingly fast given his size and age, as if the universe was dangling a rack of lamb in front of him to motivate him.

"Can this get… any… worse…" Helga panted, and then naturally things got worse. The cramps she had been experiencing gradually more frequently returned with a vengeance.  
"Ow!" Helga heaved over and clasped her hand against her abdomen, "Was it something I ate!?"

She took a long pause, trying to collect her thoughts and come to grips with the pain, but then when she at last looked up again Bob nor 'Bigfoot' were anywhere in sight.

"I don't think this is monkeynucleosis..." Helga growled.

* * *

Deeper in the woods, Big Bob remained hot on the trail of his quarry. After spending nearly a lifetime dreaming of the day he would encounter the great American legend, at last he'd come across Bigfoot. And unlike most people who believed in the beast, Bob wasn't afraid to get his hands on it. Most believers agreed they were docile, peaceful creatures, right? Big Bob couldn't fathom why then no one had thought to just wrestle one into submission.

Well, they deserved the benefit of the doubt. None of them were as strong or smart as Bob fancied himself. A Pataki was nothing if not determined and committed, often beyond the point of reason, and if he wanted to prove the creature's existence that meant he'd have to do what no one else was brave enough to do.

To his surprise, the creature appeared strangely clumsy as it stumbled along through the woods before him. After a few short minutes of pursuit, Bob closed in on the creature as his mind flashed back to his high school football days. Sure, he spent plenty of time on the bench as his father had told Helga, but he did see his fair share of action as a lineman too. In spite of his current situation, he couldn't help but think back to when he'd first impressed Miriam with his rare combination as an offensive lineman who also played the harp… until his father shamed him into giving that up, anyway. Still, that led to their marriage at a young age, and before they knew what they were doing, Olga arrived and they realized they were stuck together. Olga ended up being the glue that held their relationship together, but then several years later to their surprise Helga showed up. Why all of these thoughts were going through his head now was a mystery to Bob, but if felt somehow relevant even if he couldn't put a finger on why.

Back in the present, Bigfoot was just within Bob's grasp… and then as he tapped into his memories of playing football in his glory days, he lunged forward and took the beast down.

He'd done it. Big Bob Pataki had tackled Bigfoot. Euphoria set in as all his dreams were realized for a split second… and then the creature's head fell off, and revealed the human imposter.

"What the-" Bob gasped in shock.

"Don't hurt me…" the man whimpered, "It was that girl's idea…"

"What?" Bob asked, "What girl? You mean…"

The truth came crashing down on Bob like a load of boulders. He didn't know how she'd managed it, but Helga had tricked him.

"Look, I'm just a pawn in all this…" the young man whimpered, "I'm just a dude… my name is Chadwick… my dad made me do this… and then your girl made me do this to you and… oh god, just don't hit me, mister…"

"You're not… Bigfoot…" Bob sighed.

"Well… no…" Chadwick grumbled. "Obviously not…"

"Unless…" Bob got a mad look in his eyes that abruptly caused Chadwick to cower, "Unless this is a double bluff! And you're really Bigfoot wearing a human mask!"

With a vice grip on Chadwick's long blonde hair, Bob tugged with all his might trying to rip off the man's 'mask.'

"Ow!" Chadwick wailed with pain, "Leggo my mane, old guy!"

Bob hadn't gotten the perceived mask off of Chadwick, but he had ripped off a significant chuck of his hair.

"Hmm, I guess not." Bob muttered in bitter disappointment.

"Ow…" Chadwick keeled over and just lay on the ground in a daze.

The sound of slow applause from one person filled Bob's ears, and he snapped his head around behind him. To his further disappointment, he beheld his father slowly walking towards him and clapping sarcastically.

"Oh, well done, Bobby." the old man sighed, "Well done."

Bob furrowed his brow at his father and growled, "What?"

"Thought we'd won at something once again, only to discover what a failure we really are." Papa Pataki sighed, "Oh, if you were even a third of the man your brother is…"

"Man?" Bob grunted, "Would Ollie tackle freaking Bigfoot with his bare hands? That's what a real man would do! I mean, yeah this one turned out to be fake... but I thought it was real! It counts!"

"No, I think a real man would have just used a gun," Papa said.

Bob furrowed his brow and clenched up his fist, just barely able to contain his rage, feeling that his father could send him over the edge at last.

* * *

Not far away, but moving in the wrong direction, Helga had lost track of Big Bob and Chadwick. She stumbled through the woods, abiding with her pain as she tripped over tree root after tree root, leaving her bruised and battered, but not beaten. Her pain had grown nearly unbearable, and still she pressed onward, persevering with all her Pataki might.

"Bob?" she called out but got no response.

Her head was pounding. She had nearly forgotten what she was doing or how she'd gotten here, or why she was even looking for her father.

"What is this… this torturous turmoil?" she asked, in the best prose she could manage at the moment, "I feel… monstrous… this beast within me cannot be pacified… cannot be restrained! It yearns to be… free…"

And all at once, she could bare it no more, and in a flash Helga felt rocked to the very core of her being.

* * *

Elsewhere, Papa Pataki meanwhile continually berated his son, in spite of the possible pending danger.

"You ran from your family, as usual." Papa sighed, "And now you'd rather chase this fantasy than just face up to the truth."

"I'm not running from anything!" Bob shouted defensively, "I'm on the verge of being a legend!"

"Legend?" Papa laughed, "Do you hear yourself? You're lying to yourself and you know it! Stop trying to be a legend and just be a man for once."

"Just stop, dad!" Bob, "I'm a winner! A WINNER! And you're gonna say that Big Bob Pataki is a winner before the day's out!"

"Methinks the little boy doth protest too much," Papa said, "You know as well as I do I can't say that because it would be a lie."

"It's not…" Bob winced.

"So maybe you should just speak the truth…"

"ALL RIGHT!" Bob relented at last and shouted, "I'M A FAILURE! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR!? AND I'M TRYING TO SWEEP IT ALL UNDER THE RUG! BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT PATAKIS DO, RIGHT!?" as all of his pent up frustrations came bursting out, Bob gradually cooled slightly, as his passionate rage gave way to sorrow and regret, "I failed in business… failed as a husband… and as a father…"

Bob fell to his knees, now feeling beaten. Before his father could gloat over him however, a distinct sudden ear-splitting shriek reverberated through the woods, sending birds into flight and little woodland critters fleeing for cover.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Helga?" Bob gasped, as his instincts kicked in he knew it had to be her.

"Yes, yes your princess." Papa said, "Who you just let wander off into the woods. Honestly Bobby, what kind of father would do that to his little girl?"

"What about you!?" Bob roared, "You coulda kept an eye on her, but no! Poking holes in every little thing I do is more important to you, right?"

"Oh Bobby, I'm her grandpapa, in the end it's your job to keep her safe." Papa said, "I hoped this little camping trip would scare her straight. It sounds as if my hopes may have come to fruition now."

"Aw cram it you old-"

Before Bob could continue, another low growl caught his attention in the opposite direction from where Helga's scream had sounded from. Bob glanced over and saw a large form moving through the woods just in the distance. He squinted. He couldn't see what it was, but he knew what he wanted it to be. Bob felt another sudden surge of optimism. That was it. It had to be it. And he was going to prove his father wrong and finish what he'd started. Bob knew this could be his one and only shot at seeing the actual Bigfoot, and if he went to find Helga he may never get this shot again.

"Now that… that's gotta be the real deal…" Bob grinned a deranged smile, then turned to Chadwick, "You got any friends out there?"

"Ugh..." Chadwick murmured.

"That's good enough for me!" Bob declared, but then he remembered his daughter's scream.

"Seems you have a choice to make." Papa said, "Your obsession, the thing that you think will at last make you a real winner… the next Big Pataki, or your-"

"What kinda contest is that!?" Bob stood up and broke into a run. "Obviously it has to be- whoa!"

Bob suddenly felt something seizing him by the ankle. Before he could register, he found himself being yanked upward by a snare trap set for an animal. Be it Bigfoot or a bear the trap had been intended for, instead it had gotten Big Bob Pataki. It pulled him upward into the canopy of a tree, and the force of it flipped him over in the air. Bob's head hit the enormous tree branch above, and everything went dark.

* * *

Bleak blackness overtook Bob, but as his eyes slowly opened, suddenly all around him he perceived a growing ethereal light. When he opened his eyes fully and found himself standing in a blank, white, empty world. The last thing he remembered, he had been running off to find his daughter… or Bigfoot… one of the two. He couldn't quite remember, after hitting his head on the tree.

"Hey, little man." a voice from behind him caught his attention. It was familiar… it sounded almost like his daughter Helga.

Bob turned around and found himself face to face with someone who looked vaguely like Helga, but not her. He looked at her, unsure of why she looked so familiar, but he knew he'd seen her before, just not in a very long time. It couldn't be her. It was impossible, and yet there she stood.

"Mama?" Bob whimpered.

* * *

_**For the next chapter, imagine Bob's mom too is voiced by Francesca Marie Smith… or by Maurice Lamarche, whichever. I can't decide which is funnier to me… wait, yes I can. Francesca. She sounds like Francesca (Helga's voice actor, which I expect you all know but just in case...). This is why this story has taken so long like I said, I had too many ideas and had to narrow them down. I have about three alternate endings to this thing… which I might publish in an epilogue chapter.**_

_**Fall of the Patakis... cuz the last chapter was the Pride of the Patakis... the pride before the fall? Huh? Ah, whatever, favorite and review or Helga will kill everyone or something.**_


	11. Failures a Pataki Will Bear

_**Reviewer Responses:**_

_**Kryten: Hehehehe… I mean… well… you can uh… interpret whatever's happening with her several ways… same way her whole bout with 'monkeynucleosis' was open to interpretation. Heheheh… spoiler, she's about to turn into Bigfoot…**_

_**The J.A.M. a.k.a. Numbuh i: It's still possible… I'm keeping it slightly vague. Slightly. **_

_**DanteVirgil09: Hmm, not quite what I intended but I like that interpretation! Well, I guess I kinda must of have thought of that to some degree… in my head-canon she died when Bob was still in high school so he hasn't seen her in a long time, and he's kind of remembering her as Helga since she reminds him of her.**_

* * *

Chapter 11: Failures a Pataki Will Bear

Even with her head pounding, Helga could hear terrified screams in the distance. In spite of her unbearable pain, she pressed onward. Staggering towards the anguished cries in the distance, Helga's bloodshot eyes stared straight ahead intently. From the number of times she'd stumbled over logs and rocks, her pale skin had been covered in mud and she was bruised all over. In her hand she carried a large branch and she looked ready to beat something to death with it. She'd struggled with gastrointestinal issues for years, but this felt worse somehow; such a burning rage brought on by this strange pain she had never experienced. It hurt yes, be it brought on by indigestion from too much jerky, hot dogs and spam, or something else entirely, but that hurting just fueled her rage and gave her the motivation she needed.

"Big Bob…" Helga panted, "Gotta… find… Big Bob…"

In his ethereal world, Bob stood aghast. Before him stood his long deceased mother, Big Bertha Pataki, looking just like he remembered… a monumentally imposing woman with a hard face, fiery eyes, and yet she also exuded great warmth, while sounding a lot more like Helga than he remembered.

"You looking at something, bucko?" she asked bluntly, but not unkindly.  
"It's just weird… I remember you being way… older." Bob remarked.

"That's because you're older than me now." his mother said, "Doi."

"Huh… yeah I guess so." Bob scratched his head.

"I died younger than you. I win again." his mother smiled jestingly.

"Mama… there's so much I wanna say to you… but I hit my head pretty hard, and I'm having a hard time coming up with something…"

"Oh Bobby, you had such a way with words when you were a little boy." she said admiringly, "What happened?"

"I grew up…" Bob said, "Had to become a man. Without you…"

"And yet you're out in the north woods searching for… Bigfoot?" she asked.

Bob just shrugged uncomfortably. Somehow hearing his mother say it did make the whole affair sound silly in retrospect.

"Oh but just look at you," she fawned over her boy, "You sure sprouted since you were my little bitty boy."

"I guess… but I still feel so small… Papa's right…" Bob sighed, "Look at me… I'll never be the Big Pataki. I'm just a big fat failure. I'm a loser, mom."

The woman quietly searched her son's eyes for a moment, and then nodded.

"Maybe you are." she said with grimness in her tone.

Bob looked devastated. He knew deep down what his shortcomings were for some time now, but hearing confirmation from his own mother's ghost hurt.

"And maybe that's _exactly_ what you need to be." his mother said firmly.

"What?" Bob asked in confusion, "But… Patakis are winners! And I-"

"Yes, yes, yes, of course that's what we had to tell you to encourage you to try your hardest, but everyone loses, Bobby. That's just how life works. I've lost, your father has lost, and your brother has too. More times than you'll ever know." she said. "But tell me Bobby, for all the times you've won in the past, did it make you happy?"

"Of course it did!" Bob roared in anger, "I'm the happiest guy in the whole freaking world! I'm way happier than- wow, I'm miserable…" Bob's eyes went wide as his tone shifted, "I'm having one of those… whaddaya call 'em… epiphanies, again?"  
"And what's it telling you, Bobby?" his mother asked.

"That… everything I ever won at… didn't really make me happy." Bob nodded. "I thought it was what I wanted but…"

"It was what you wanted, yes, but it wasn't what you needed." his mother said. "Bobby, winning doesn't teach you anything. You win. End of story. When you lose… what you learn from that and where it takes you from there… well, look what happened at the Parent's Day tournament a few years ago."

"How do you know about that?" Bob asked.

"You're hallucinating me as your conscious, bucko. I know what you know." she smiled. "You got a good well-deserved humbling from Arnold's grandpa, and look what happened."

"I didn't win best parent…" Bob sighed. "I lost. I'm not the best parent…"

"Yes, and had you won it, that would have been enough for you! You would have just kept on going on _thinking_ you were the best parent, and just being a raging blowhard!" His mother poked a finger in his nose, "Losing that stupid contest was your first step towards becoming a better father, Bobby. Your business falling on hard times was a step towards letting Miriam spread her wings. Now she's flourishing into the woman she was always meant to be. Without the smoothies dragging her down she's a go getter; the whole reason you fell in love with her."

"Hmm, wasn't her looks, I guess." Bob pondered.

"Bobby…" his mother sighed.

"See? I suck wind at this whole self-improvement thing!" Bob said. "I'm losing at that too."

Bob looked at his mother who just gave him a knowing smile.

"And… since I'm losing at self-improvement… I'm also learning from it?" Bob asked, "Because… life isn't about winning at everything all the time… it's about getting back up and moving forward, growing from defeat… and doing a little better every time? Or something like that?"

"Something like that. Have you forgotten the family motto?" she asked, then said dramatically, "Patakis Persevere."

"Meh, Papa changed it to 'Omnis Sibi Pataki' every Pataki for himself…" Bob muttered.

"Oh, is that old goat still alive?" his mother huffed disparagingly.

"He can't die, he's like a cockroach…" Bob affirmed.

"Oh, you think you have it hard?" his mother laughed, "You didn't have to be married to him. Well, tell him I beat him to the graveyard, sonny boy. I won."

Bob blinked in astonishment. He couldn't stand his old man, but hearing the same sentiment from this apparition of his mother surprised him. Her somewhat macabre view on death being a victory too gave him pause for thought.

"You see Bobby? Your own family isn't beyond saving. At least you're not as dysfunctional as we were. There's hope for you, for Miriam, Helga and… what was the other one?"

"Olga?" Bob asked.

"Yeah, yeah, that one. The annoyingly sunny one." she said warmly. "Now run along, Bobby. I think Helga needs you."

"She doesn't need me… she needs a real father." Bob said. "One she can count on."

"You did the best you knew." his mother reassured him, "It's not like there's some manual on how to be a parent."

"Actually, there is one now." Bob said, "A lot of 'em, actually…"

"What?" his mother asked, fresh anger returning, "Then what in the blue blazes is your excuse? Get out there and help your girl!"

"I don't know if I can be the man my family needs me to be…" Bob shook his head.

"Well then." his mother shrugged, "Maybe Helga can be."

"Huh?" Bob asked.

"Maybe she needs you to be a little more in touch with your… sensitive more maternal side." his mother suggested.

"What?" Bob winced.

"I think if you take a good look at that girl… I'd say she can be the man she needs." His mother said, "If you just show her a little more love, I think you'll find she can take care of herself. She's a fighter. She always has been. It's in her blood."

"Helga… be a man? Blood? This is getting weird…" Bob said.

"Life is awful weird, Bobby." his mother smiled, "Why not just embrace that? Now do us a favor and wake up before it gets any weirder."

"Mama…" Bob's eyes watered, "I love you mama…"

"Oh, you know I love you, Bobby…" Mama opened her arms.

Bob rushed forward to embrace his loving mother, and he plopped a big kiss on her. When he opened his eyes however, his mother had gone and he found himself kissing his father hard on the lips.

"Yech!" both men retched in disgust.

"Bobby!" Papa scolded, "No affection! We've discussed this!"

"Ugh, it's like kissing a frozen turkey carcass!" Bob nearly vomited.

As he gradually came to, Bob observed his surroundings and realized he was hanging upside down from his leg still caught in the snare, and his father was clinging to the trunk, with Chadwick too clinging on the other side. Both men wore looks of absolute terror on their faces.

"You both look like you've seen an actual Sasquatch…" Bob remarked.

"This is no time for your imaginary friend!" Papa shouted, "Now, Bobby? What are you going to do about the bear!?"

"Bear? What bear?" Bob asked.

"That one!" Chadwick shouted.

"The one down there trying to eat us!" Papa wailed in the sort of frightened voice Bob had never heard out of him.

Bob looked downward. Indeed, the hairy form he had seen earlier approaching them before had emerged, only it wasn't Bigfoot. Lumbering towards them came an enormous black bear, staring up at them with interest.

"I'm old! Do something, Bobby!" Papa demanded.

"I'm hanging upside down, what do you want me to do? Besides, YOU'RE the real man, right?" Bob bellowed. "You're a war hero and all, right?"

"I shot myself in the foot and got out!" Papa cried, apparently confessing on his presumed deathbed… or death tree, rather.

"WHAT?" Bob shouted, "Oh great… I find out you're a phony and I can't even enjoy it because WE'RE DOOMED!"

The bear approached the trunk of the tree, looking upward at the three men cowering at the sight of it.

"It's okay… we should be okay…" Chadwick said shakily, "Bears can't climb trees…"

"Yes they can!" Bob and Papa shouted together.

"Now you tell me!?" Chadwick wailed, "After we climbed a tree!?"

"We could just throw this young man to the bear…" Papa suggested. "Yes, that might just be the ticket."

Both Chadwick and Bob stared at him completely aghast.

"What?" Papa huffed, "I'm only gristle, this boy has some meat on him. Besides, the needs of the Pataki outweigh the needs of the few… and also the many…"

Papa found himself interrupted by a blood-curdling growl from the bear bellow, looking up at them as if trying to size them up. Both Bob and his Papa recognized the determined look in the creature's eyes however, and they knew the clock was ticking faster and faster by the second.

"We're all gonna die!" Papa howled in fear.

"Got anything you wanna say, old man?" Bob urged, "Before the end?"

"I don't want to die in a tree where I can't even curl into the fetal position!" Papa cried.

"What did I expect…" Bob groaned.

Then unexpectedly, the bear turned its attention away from them. Big Bob glanced in the direction the bear was looking and to his momentary horror he saw someone approaching.  
"Helga!" Bob cried out.

Big Bob Pataki hadn't felt this guilty since the first time he'd nearly gotten his daughter killed, which he now realized should have made him rethink his whole life just a little bit more than he had, but that revelation came too late. There stood his little girl, stepping closer and closer to danger. Bob opened his mouth again to tell her to run for it, but he something about the look in her eye stopped him. Bob looked at her, as if seeing her for the first time. Helga stood tall, with her heavy Pataki brand brow lowered just above her bloodshot eyes, and she glared at the monstrous creature before her. Her eyes burned with absolute fearlessness beyond the point of reason, and in her hand she carried a large tree branch like a war club. Bob had to quietly admit to himself that the look on her face scared him more than the bear had in the first place. Papa and Chadwick similarly looked down at the girl in wide-eyed shock.

Helga slowly stepped closer and closer to the bear, itself now seemingly frozen in shock.

"Hear... me... roar..." Helga hissed through her set teeth.

* * *

**Big Bertha Pataki… like her granddaughter she's brash and blunt, but it comes from a place of love. Unlike Papa Pataki who seems nice on the surface but… well, as you can see no, he's not a nice man at all.**

**When Helga told Rhonda way back in chapter 4 that she used her eyebrow to ward off attacking bears… she was kidding… at the time… **


	12. Hell Hath No Fury Like Helga

_**Reviewer Response: **_

_**Guest: Thank you. I tend to get writer's block for months on end, but once I get on a roll…**_

_**starwater09: Hehe, yeah. Just in case I hadn't made him unsympathetic enough by now.**_

_**Kryten: All animals were harmed in the making of this fic. **_

_**Anonymous Latino: Yep, that hits the nail on the head. As for Helga… well that's open to interpertation. **_

_**Not sure why I keep pitting Helga against mother nature… I guess she's just that badass.**_

* * *

Chapter 12: Hell Hath No Fury Like Helga

As she slowly continued to stagger towards the ominous animal threat, Helga glanced upward at the three men in the treetop, where her grandfather and Chadwick both quivered in terror as Bob just stared down at her with wide eyes. Big Bob was dangling in the air by his leg, apparently caught in some animal trap, and the other two were simply clinging to the tree trunk for dear life, both of them looking ready for flight and no fight.

It quickly became all too apparent that she'd be getting no help from any of them. And yet, no parental support felt like no problem at the moment, and nothing she wasn't sadly used to, though it still irritated her nonetheless.

"Criminey, you jerks…" Helga hissed, "I gotta do EVERYTHING!?"

The bear just stared at the brazen girl advancing and didn't move a muscle. Any creature with an ounce of survival instinct knew to be afraid of fire, and the fire burning in the girl's eyes inspired no less terror. With her burning urge to cause anything in her wake the kind of pain she felt punishing her, the boys were lucky to be up a tree and out of her reach. This lone bear would now have to suffer her wrath as her only available outlet. Feeling her heart pumping, she reached into her shirt and withdrew her locket. She gazed at Arnold's picture for a blissful moment as if trying to draw strength from it. Then she kissed it, and tossed it aside, ready to stand on her own.

"Whether this monster within me springs forth from a diabolical dyspepsia, born out of consumption of snack foods never again to be revisited… or by the boiling blood of every Pataki before me that now flows through me, feckless beast I bid thee…" Helga looked the bear straight in the eye and hissed, "Tremble."

And then, shrieking and hollering with every primal, animalistic instinct buried deep within her, Helga threw herself forward, still brandishing her tree branch. She screeched with such a bloodcurdling intensity the very earth she tread on seemed to rumble as the trees around her shook. Helga practically foamed at the mouth, overcome with instinctive rage. The bear returned her savage feral roar with one of its own, and rose to its hind legs, towering over her, but still yowling with an ear-piercing shriek Helga advanced on the creature. Though it dwarfed her in size, the bear started to shrink back as Helga flourished her crude weapon at its flaring maw, somehow less flaring or wild than her own.

"Whoa…" Bob uttered, and then called down to her, "Helga? Did you take your constipation meds?"

Lost in her berserker state, Helga took no notice of her father. Bob felt so impressed he didn't even have the frame of mind to appreciate the mortal danger his daughter was in, and yet from the sight of her terrifying performance any onlooker would have to think that the bear was in more danger than the girl challenging it. And no one appeared to agree with that sentiment more than the bear itself.

Confused, startled, and overwhelmed by the terrifying little savage beast bellowing in its direction, the bear spun around and bid a hasty retreat. Tearing off into the woods, the bear ran panicked over logs and rocks, then rushed down a nearby stream until it disappeared from sight.

As the echoes of Helga's feral screams faded away, a hush fell over the forest. Only the sound of the stream in the distance could be heard as Helga stood with her fists still clenched and her teeth set in fury. As she breathed deeply and listened to the running stream the bear had fled into, she felt a sudden rush of peace come over her, despite her persistent discomfort. She couldn't explain it but she felt as though her entire life had built to this excruciatingly horrible moment, and she felt her entire world had just shifted as if she had overcome some kind of trial. Perhaps it was a natural thing in everyone's life to feel the need to fight off a wild bear at some point. The feeling was beyond description, yet she felt somehow completed by it.

Everyone else present remained utterly silent. Then Helga turned slowly back to her father and grandfather, and the look on her face paralyzed them both in fear and awe.

Bob got over his momentary fear of his own daughter quickly and appeared to be overcome with pride for his offspring. He never even felt it was possible to be this proud of his girl… well,_ this_ girl anyway. He beamed brightly and shouted down to her happily.

"All right!" he bellowed, "That's my girl! Way to be a man, little lady!"

Helga just kept staring up at them, panting through gritted teeth all the while. Her fists were still clenched and she looked ready to punch a bear in the face if another one appeared. Of all the outlandish to nigh impossible challenges she had risen to in her young life, this one felt like moving up a level in some way. She held aloft her branch like a sword in her triumph.

"I… am… a woman… now…" she uttered at last.

Bob just blinked in mild confusion.

"And I'd prefer…" Helga murmured, "If we keep this… to ourselves…"

Slowly and carefully, Papa and Chadwick both managed to shimmy down the side of the tree like a pair of timid cats. Helga stood still, looking barely aware of their existence as she just continued breathing through her gritted teeth. As Chadwick inspected the trap to see about cutting Big Bob down, Papa approached her and straightened the camouflage bow atop her head.

"Helga dear, really now, look at you." Papa Pataki said, "That's really not the sort of proper behavior for a young lady to be displaying."

Helga didn't react to this, but her father did. Had he not been hanging upside down Bob's jaw would have dropped in shock.  
"What are you nuts?" Bob shouted down at his father, "She just saved all three of our behinds!"

"I uh… I coulda done that." Chadwick said feebly, but no one took any notice.

"Now, now, there was never anything to fear," Papa said dismissively, "Bears may seem formidable, but they frighten easily, as you see." a strange look came over him, "The black ones especially, as you might expect."

Bob squinted his eyes, glaring at his father, sensing he meant more than what he was saying.

"You've got issues, old man…" he grumbled.

"No, no, clearly this family of yours has the issues." Papa said, "I've said it before, and I'll say it again you've done just an appalling job of raising this poor child. Just look at her…"

Now Helga slowly turned her head in Papa's direction. She'd overheard him giving Bob this lecture back at the beeper store two days ago, and at the time she'd gone along with it, thinking he was speaking critically of Bob's poor treatment of her. This time it sounded more like she was the problem in his eyes.

"Brash, unladylike, tomboyish even, I dare say…" Papa began listing.

"Huh?" Helga looked at him, "What's wrong with-"

"… belligerent, fraternizing with riffraff far below her status…"

"Hey, now wait a minute!" Helga pointed a threatening finger.

"There, you see?" Papa sighed, "This is what I mean. I hoped this little excursion into the wild would scare you straight, Helga dear; set you down the path of being a more proper little princess at last."

"Papa… this is a really bad time for me to be hearing criticism… for your own good… stop now…" Helga growled, not deeply disappointed with him as she bitterly realized Big Bob may have been right about him.

"Young lady, I won't have you talking back to your elders," Papa scolded.

Save for the late Lasombra, Helga had never punched an old man in the face before. She never expected it would be her own grandfather to receive that distinction… … and so she continued on in that vein, but still felt the distinct urge to knock the old man's lights out, while internally applauding herself on her own restraint.

"Don't worry, Helga dear." Papa reassured her, "There's still time. We can undo the damage your father has done and fix you into a more proper-"

"Oh, no you don't!" Bob shouted down at his father, "I don't care how screwed up anyone thinks she is! It's taken me this long to see it, but my little savage is perfect the way she is!"

Helga turned her head up at her father and managed the closest thing to a smile she could muster at the moment.

"Um… guys?" Chadwick interrupted, "I uh, don't mean to uh, take the credit away from her or anything but uh… I mean that was pretty savage and all but…"

"Out with it!" Bob barked.

Chadwick just stared ahead in shock, then he pointed just over Helga's shoulder, and Big Bob and Papa turned their heads slowly. Behind Helga they could see something else approaching.

"It's coming back!" Papa screeched, as he made for the tree again, "Run for the hills!"

Helga slowly turned and looked. Lumbering slowly out of the woods behind her came yet another massive, upright hairy creature, walking slowly and looking in their direction. Helga froze up again and Big Bob just stared in awe.

"It's…" Big Bob gasped.

"No, no." Helga murmured, "Not falling for this again…"  
And the brazen girl stomped towards the oncoming creature. There stood before her Bigfoot, for the second time today, and Helga decided she'd only let some chump in a monkey suit fool her once.

"All right, Chadwick, who's your friend here?" Helga taunted, "Is this your dad or something? Come on, do you really think we'd fall for this twice… in one…"

As the creature drew nearer, Helga observed that if this was indeed another costume… it was a far more convincing one than Chadwick's. This creature was far larger than the last one as well, dwarfing even Big Bob and leaving massive footprints where it trod and with it came a strong foul odor. Helga raised her branch and prepared to defend herself but the creature appeared unfazed. As the two of them locked eyes, Helga felt an urgent warning in the back of her head getting louder.  
"Is uh… one of you chuckleheads filming this?" Helga asked.

Suddenly the creature turned its attention from Helga and lumbered over to the tree where Big Bob was hanging from the canopy. Looking upward it locked eyes with Bob who just looked back in wide eyed panic. And then, to everyone's shock, the creature grabbed at the rope suspending Bob in the air and with surprising dexterity slowly and carefully lowered the man back down to the earth. Helga watched in frozen shock as her father reached the ground, and their unlikely ally lumbered over to him. Papa too had been petrified up until this moment, but then his eyes went wide as an even more terrified look flashed across his face.

"Bobby!" he shouted, "Get away from it! Go on, you hairy beast! Shoo!"

The Bigfoot tilted its head curiously at Big Bob, then it looked over at Helga again who just stared back in complete bewilderment. The creature made a sound akin to a low human chortle as it turned its attention back to Bob, who stood up slowly, not entirely sure what was happening.

"You… you saved me?" Bob asked in awe as the creature met his gaze. "Is that why I've been drawn to you all this time? Are you my uh… spirit animal or something?"

Bigfoot raised his arms and clasped his paws to his head, and then to everyone's further surprise he removed his head, revealing a face not unlike Big Bob's.

"Spirit animal?" the man asked in a rather melodic voice, "Well, I'm flattered, baby brother, but no its just little old me."

"WHAT THE FREAK IS HAPPENING?" Helga shouted.

* * *

_** Next chapter, meet Oliver Pataki. He may have the same Maurice Lamarche voice, but he talks more like Olga... hmm...**_

_**Favorite and review! My bloated ego is even more out of whack than Big Bob's and I need validation! ;)**_


	13. Big Bob's Big Brother Bigfoot

**Reviewer Response**

**starwater09: hahaha… in a good way, I hope? Guess I can't ask cuz I'll get no words…**

**Kryten: Yep. Papa named his kids Foot and Bob, and they both took the nickname 'Big.'**

**The JAM aka Numbuh i: (Chapter 11) Oh good, I thought so too. **

**(Chapter 12) Coulda, woulda, shoulda, there's still a chapter or two left for her to get her chance.**

* * *

Chapter 13: Big Bob's Big Brother Bigfoot

For the longest time, Bob and Helga stood with their jaws agape, unable to comprehend the reality staring them in the face. Somehow both of them had an easier time believing that Bigfoot was real in the brief instance they'd just been tricked in the past hour than seeing Bob's mythically nigh perfect older brother standing before them in a monkey suit. Stranger still was Papa's reaction to the sudden unplanned brothers' reunion. Helga noticed the old man's jitteriness as a break in character from his previously invincibly confident quality. Sure, he'd been hiding up a tree minutes ago, but what self-preserving person wouldn't cower before an attacking bear? Save for Helga herself of course, but that was another matter. No, now Papa the 'Big Pataki' looked even more terrified at the sight of his son's reuniting than he had been of the bear.

The shock of suddenly seeing this uncle she had heard so much about lately distracted Helga from all her other pressing issues at hand, and now she wanted answers.

"Oh, just look at you…" Ollie seemed to fawn in admiration for his little brother, "It's been so long, how's my baby brother?"

As Ollie threw his arms around a stunned Bob, Helga looked back and forth between them and Papa, who was still shrinking away suspiciously. Helga turned her attention back to her uncle and squinted. The man spoke with a melodic lilt to his voice not unlike her own sister, which starkly contrasted his overall appearance. Ollie was even taller and bigger than Bob himself, only much burlier and more lean. He lacked the heavy Pataki brow which gave his face a much friendlier quality, in spite of the otherwise typical Pataki countenance.

Chadwick all the while just shrank into the background, apparently wishing to avoid any more Pataki family issues than the ones he'd already been subjected to.

"Um… Ollie?" Bob asked, finding his words at last. "I uh… don't know if you remember but… I uh… well, I'm not a hugger…"

"Oh my… and who's this little cutie pie?" Ollie pointed at Helga, who despite being covered in mud, sweat and bruises still somehow seemed to charm her uncle. "Oh… don't tell me… are you my niece? Are you…"

"Helga," she affirmed in a low hiss.  
"Oh my gosh! I just can't! She's too precious!" Ollie fawned over his niece, straightening the bow atop her head, while she just stood still and breathing heavily.

"Now, boys…" Papa tried to interrupt, "Let's just… why don't we… Ollie? I thought you were past this little phase by now-"

"Bobby, what were you doing stuck in that tree?" Ollie asked, ignoring his father, "Oh, all these yeas later and you're still such a silly…"

"I haven't seen you in longer than I thought…" Bob mumbled, still stunned.

"What was that, baby brother?" Ollie asked, finally releasing Bob from his big bear hug.

"Uh, nothing, nothing. You're just uh… _different _than I remember…" Bob remarked.

"Well of course, silly," Ollie giggled boyishly, "It's been what, twenty some years? That's a lot of time for us to change, and explore, and discover ourselves, and… we haven't talked since you married your widdle high school sweetheart. And I hear you're still together… oh my gosh, that's so sweet… it must be true love."

Helga had never heard the words 'true love' used in any sort of context describing her parents before, and yet her uncle's tone of voice somehow just made it sound possible.

"Uh… yeah, Miriam and I are… we're still…" Bob stammered, "What about you and Muriel?"

"Oh." Ollie paused to think, "Bobby, that was so long ago… she and I just had some irreconcilable differences…"

"She wasn't rich enough!" Papa cut in, "Ollie… he just hasn't found the right _woman _who's worthy of being a Patak-"

"Oh, Papa…" Ollie dismissed his father, "You know I just liked her, I never liked her liked her. But enough about me, tell me about you! Papa says you're the ultimate success story…" he winced momentarily, "sorry if I get a little bit jealous…"

"WHAT?" Bob shouted, "He told you _I'm _some kinda big shot!?"

"Well of course, baby brother." Ollie said, "Daddy's told me all about your massive international mobile tech empire."

"My…?" Bob scratched his head and glanced at his father who was reeling with embarrassment.

"Oh, and he told me all about the castle you just bought in the Alps, and-"

"Now wait just a doggone minute!" Bob bellowed, "I'm a wash up! A phony! A big egomaniac who tries to cover all his insecurities by winning! I'm a failure! You're the big success story I keep hearing about!"

"Me?" Ollie asked in genuine shock, "I always thought you were the successful one… that's what Papa said…"

"But… you're a big shareholder with Future Tech!" Bob shouted.

"I mean… I bought a few shares… really bet on the wrong horse with that one." Ollie said sheepishly, "That whole PR disaster… their CEO going to jail… then they still built that mega-mall, and now they're on the verge of collapse… that was more Papa's idea than mine…"

"What about your media empire!?" Bob shouted.

Ollie just dismissed that notion with a wave of his hand, "Psh, it's only a little gossip column in a local alternative newspaper, Bobby. I wouldn't call it a 'media empire.'"

"But… but you're the executive producer of 'Seeking Sasquatch!'"

Ollie shrugged.

"Well, okay there's that… had to get at least one big boy job." he sighed, "And you see what I've had to do to prolong the run of this silly series… still, after a hundred episodes I think it's run it's course… in fact, yeah I've been thinking for a while it's time to let it end… don't tell the S.E.R…"

Ollie's eyes suddenly went wide and then he squinted, as he turned his attention to his father who looked more embarrassed than Helga had every right to be, given her predicament that the other three were still failing to notice.

"Papa?" Ollie asked, "What've you been telling my baby brother about me?"

"You… he…" Papa fumbled for words.

"And what did you tell Ollie about me!?" Bob shouted.

"Well, I just told you, baby bro-"

"Stop calling me that…" Bob shuddered.

"Sorry, sorry," Ollie, "Papa? What's going on?"

"You..." Bob uttered in a quiet but threatening voice, "You've been pitting us against each other..."

Both brothers gave their father such a powerful signature Pataki glare, that the two of them combined caused the old retch to snap.

"All right… so I… romanticized things a little!" Papa sputtered, "Perhaps I embellished a few details… and left certain things out… but it was for your own good! If you two ever stopped competing you'd have just settled for… for…"

"… for what made us happy?" Ollie finished.

"Oh… you… you just think you're happy but you don't know any better!" Papa said.

"Oh, executive producing this series has led me to my true calling, and I'm ready to give all that up… what really makes me happy is…." Ollie sighed.

"NO SON OF MINE IS GOING TO BE _HAPPY_!" Papa screeched.

"Happy?" Bob asked, "You sure that's the right word for Ollie-"

"Oh, Papa never did approve of my lifestyle…" Ollie sighed, "Dressing up as Bigfoot in the woods and all… but it's my real passion in life. I know this now. Costuming… some day I hope to go on to become a Broadway costume designer…."  
Ollie took a deep breath and sighed peacefully. Then he looked at his father wiht his head held high and said with utmost confidence, "And I'm happy and content with who I am."

Bob scratched his head, until another annoying epiphany struck him. He looked at Helga who was still standing bow-legged with her fists clenched and her teeth clenched, and he at last saw her in a new light. Bob had more or less given up on her years ago after it became clear to him that she was never going to be anything like Olga… and the sheer sadness of realizing just how wrong he'd been to not just encourage her to be who she was and what she wanted to be crushed him. All his life he'd tried to live up to the standard Ollie had set as a paragon of masculinity and strength in his eyes, and he'd just never tried to be who or what he wanted to be at heart. What that was, now he couldn't even remember, it had been so long since he'd really dwelled on his real passions in life. And here stood his little girl, growing up more and more every day without him ever really showing her how much he cared about her… how much he finally realized he cared about her.

At least he'd never _tried _ to make his daughter actively miserable, unlike Papa had with him… he had to give himself that small piece of credit. Still, the parallels between him and his brother and Helga and Olga felt so painfully obvious now he felt fairly stupid in retrospect for not noticing.

Bob looked back at his brother; a man who had come to grips with himself and was embracing who he really was. To Big Bob in this moment, that was the gutsiest, most manly thing he'd ever seen in his life. He had to respect that.

"Ollie?" Bob looked at his brother with new eyes, specifically eyes that were watering, "Big brother?"

"Who needs more huggles?" Ollie opened his arms.

Bob walked forward, ready to embrace his estranged brother whom he could empathize with for the first time in his life.

"Oh… right, you're not the hugging type…" Ollie said, and so he playfully punched Bob instead. Or rather, he intended to playfully punch him but didn't realized his own strength, and his ensuing punch knocked Bob over backwards.

"There, see?" Papa shouted, "Can't you boys fight about your problems instead of all this senseless talking!?"

Helga snapped her head at her grandfather and hissed, "What… is… your deal?"

"My 'deal?'" Papa Pataki laughed hysterically, "My boys… I don't care if you think you're happy now, you'll both always be failures… "

"Yeah, that's right." Bob announced, "I've screwed up nearly everything I've ever touched! Parenting, business, sensitivity, trying to find Bigfoot... and I'm gonna keep screwing things up every day for the rest of my life… but I'm also gonna do a little bit better every time, and I'm okay with that!"

"So you're… happy with yourself?" Papa asked in complete shock.

"No!" Bob shouted, "But I'm okay with that too! Because… well, life is just kind of sad! But it's worth living just for the parts that matter… that parts that make you happy… the parts worth living for."

Bob looked at his smiling brother, then at his seething daughter who still looked ready to bite someone's head off, chew it up and spit it out.

"But- but you can't just be okay with not being the best!" Papa sputtered, "How…? How can you-"

"How? Because the ghost of mom told me it was okay!" Bob shouted.

The other three Patakis looked at Big Bob blankly and just blinked. Big Bob too seemed to realize what he'd just said and he shrugged in mild embarrassment.

"Yes, well… what would_ she_ know…" Papa huffed, his tone rich with bitterness and disgust, "She was just a big-"

"OUR MOTHER WAS A SAINT!" Bob and Ollie roared in their father's face, causing him to fall over backwards.

"Seriously, she was." Ollie turned to Helga and smiled brightly, "She played linebacker for New Orleans. Until they… caught her at it, one day…"

Helga couldn't tell if her uncle was joking or not, but it didn't matter to her at the moment. She might have felt somewhat uplifted by her father's apparent breakthrough, if only it hadn't happened at the worst possible time for her.

The two Pataki brothers looked at one another warmly, both regretting all the lost years they could have spent getting to really know one another, and also anticipating the possible bright new future before them. Bob closed his eyes and sighed ruefully.

"What's wrong, Bobby?" Ollie asked.

"It's just… I thought this was my big shot… at becoming a legend." Bob sighed, "Getting proof of Bigfoot and all…"

"Ah, Bobby, you don't wanna be a legend." Ollie said, "Look at me! I'm a legend… or y'know, I cosplay as one…. but…"

"What?" Bob asked.

"Sure, this life works for me but… meh, I think you've got something even better." Ollie inclined his head towards Helga.

"You mean…" Bob scratched his head.

"Being a… dad." Ollie said.

"I'm not really good at that..." Bob shrugged, "I was kinda hoping that for everything else I've messed up I'd at least be good at tracking down Bigfoot..."

"I couldn't find it in a hundred episodes of my show..." Ollie shrugged, "Besides, whether the legend is true or not... maybe it shouldn't be solved one way or the other. Maybe we mere men all need something intangible and just forever out of our reach to guide us on... oh..." Ollie sighed in a way not unlike his niece often did.

"That's… deep… er than I expected it to be." Bob said.

"I've had a lot of time to think about life, out here in the woods... dressing up in fur suits…" Ollie shrugged.

"Yeah..." Bob sighed, "I guess I can settle for what I've got... even if it's not perfect, then-"

"What are you talking about? Look at that adorable little imp! She's perfect." Ollie said, again fawning over his niece.

Papa jumped back up and stomped his feet in fury.

"No! No! No! This isn't how this was supposed to go! You're supposed to be fighting over my title! My legacy!"

Ollie scratched his head and then smiled as he remembered what his father was event talking about.

"What... that whole 'Big Pataki' thingy...?" he almost laughed.

"Yes... that..." Papa hissed, "And neither of you will ever earn it..."

Big Bob frowned, but then he looked at his brother who was just smiling smugly, in such a way that suggested he had let go of the whole idea long ago. Bob then turned his attention to Helga, something he still wasn't accustomed to doing on a daily basis, and suddenly... something clicked in his mind.

"Yeah." Bob nodded, "You're right, Pop."

Papa's brow raised in surprise, but then he grinned malevolently.

"Maybe neither of us will ever be the Big Pataki." Bob continued, "Because the title isn't earned, it's taken. It's a declaration of superiority. And neither of us can take that title now, because the Big Pataki seized it by the horns, and there's no taking it away from them."

Papa's grin just widened to the point that his mouth threatened to snap his withered old head in half.

"I don't know whether this is the happiest or saddest moment of my life..." papa wheezed, "Knowing you're both such small men that you've given up on taking my title..."

"You?" Bob laughed, "I wasn't talking about you."

"What?" Papa reacted in a surprised and confused tone.

"Me and Ollie can't take the title from you." Bob said with a smug smile, "Because someone else already did."

Bob then slowly made a grand gesture towards none other than his seething little daughter, who momentarily snapped out of her discomforted state and went slightly wide-eyed.

"There's the 'Big Pataki.'" Bob said proudly, "You say we're failures? Yeah, well maybe talent skips a generation."

Papa went completely livid. His face turned red with fury and he started stamping his feet petulantly. Bob had undermined him in a way he never had the sense to see coming. Helga momentarily stood looking more confused than triumphant, given what her father had just bestowed on her... or rather that she'd earned for herself by taking it... because she fought a bear... this family structure seemed more confusing than it was worth.

"Helga!?" Papa screeched, "She... but she's a... she's a she! She can't be the-"

"No, no I like it." Ollie agreed, "I mean... are we even gonna talk about how she just fought off a bear? And won? I don't think any of us have ever done anything more manly than that..."

"I don't care!" Papa shouted, "This is a hallowed tradition passed down from Pataki patriarch to Pataki patriarch since... since..."

"Oh, Papa…" Ollie dismissed him, "Is it past your nap time?"

"Yeah." Bob smiled deviously, "I think the little guy's cranky and needs to be put down."

"Bobby! Ollie... don't… disrespect… your…" Papa trailed off, and then sure enough he fell asleep right where he stood. The old man had expended his limited energy. Having played his sick psychological game all their lives, the Pataki boys had finally won. The two generations still conscious just stared at the old man, snoring and asleep where he stood, unsure of what to say or do. Ollie shook his head, picked up Papa and threw him over his shoulder like a sack.

"Dad?" Helga chimed in at last.

Bob turned to his daughter, who looked ready to explode with rage, but all he could dwell on was that she called him 'dad.'

"Helga?" he responded.

"Get… me… the freak… out of these… woods…" she panted. "Now..."

"Right." Bob said, "It's been a fun camping trip, but I guess I better get these two home… I think she's off her constipation meds or something."

"Ah Bobby, clearly you did something right because she is just too freaking cute." Ollie fawned over his niece.

"I… hate… everything…" Helga panted through her teeth.

"Naw… I hate everything too, Helga." Ollie playfully and lovingly tugged at her pigtails, "Bobby? I think this little lady might need out of here."

"Gee… what told you…" Helga grumbled, as a small trickle of blood rolled down her forehead.

"Oh, honey you're bleeding." Ollie dabbed her forehead with his thumb.

"Yep… I am…" Helga muttered. "How about that..."

"So... how do we get outta here?" Bob asked.

"Oh, I know these woods like the back of my hand!" Ollie held up his hand and then shrieked in surprised, but then caught himself, "Phew... I forgot I was wearing this thing... I thought that was my hand for a moment... what a shave from heck that would be..."

Bob actually laughed, in spite of himself.

"All right, lead the way."

"Then let's all go home... together!" Ollie announced, "I'm moving in!"

Bob looked at his brother agast.

"Uhh…"

"Kidding… kidding… I'm not sharing a room with you again, ew! Nightmare..." Ollie said with his tongue stuck out, but then he looked at Bob seriously and asked, "Can I… visit at least?"

Bob sighed, then smiled reluctantly.

"Uh, yeah, yeah sure." he said. "Why not..."

"Goody!" Ollie clapped his hands. "Oh, I've got so many embarrassing stories about your daddy, Helga... you'll just love 'em. Did you know he was the shortest, skinniest little runt in his grade until he got to high schoo-"

"Save it, Bro..." Bob groaned, just as the sound of crackling footsteps from the woods appeared, "I think we've got company here..."

Then from out of the woods, a familiar heavyset bearded man emerged wearing a sour expression.

"Ollie! What are you doing? You can't just let these city slickers know that… I mean… presume that Bigfoot isn't really actually a thing that isn't not real-"

"Show's over, Mark. Last episode's a wrap. No more." Ollie sighed, "Move on… I am…"

Mark Monigrubbber, host of Seeking Sasquatch couldn't accept this and clenched his fists in protest. With a cracking of his knuckles he lowered his head and let out a long heavy exhale.

"No, no, I'm afraid that now that your family knows our secret I… can't let you leave these woods…" Mark began, but then he turned his head and realized that the Patakis had disappeared in a flash, and now he and Chadwick were completely alone in the woods, "Oh… um… hey, do you know where we are?"

Chadwick groaned, "I… don't know… much of anything, I'm realizing…"

**The Big Pataki is dead. Long live the Big Pataki.**

**That took a while because... well, I didn't want Ollie to just come off as a caricature, I wanted him to be funny but also very sympathetic and human. I hope I struck the right balance... he's based on a good friend of mine, so it was all out of love I say.**

**As I continued to write this story, I realized Papa Pataki took on more and more qualities of the father of a kid I was a camp counsellor to years ago. He was a wonderfully talented little actor who stole every show I directed him in (outdoor adventure camp, but with a drama program), but his father discouraged it and was constantly trying to push him to do more 'manly' activities. I hope he doesn't grow up to be a Big Bob Pataki… I doubt it…**

**I don't care if the HA! timeline doesn't quite add up with that of the NFL or if no one gets it or likes it… that joke about Big Bob's mom secretly playing in the NFL is my favorite thing I'll ever write…**

**Deleted line…**

**"****My whole life… I've been trying to live up to this paragon of virility and masculinity and now I find out that you're… you're…" Bob sputtered.**

**"****What, a tea cozy?" Ollie said with a knowing smirk, "Please, Bobby, I'm into ****_men_****. That's hardly girly."**

**One chapter left... one last plot thread to tie up. Favorite and review! **


	14. BBB

**Reviewer Response: **

**The JAM aka Numbuh i: Y'know… not quite what I had in mind… but I love it and now it is what I have in mind… maybe without the beard though.  
**

**Kryten: I mean… Papa might have more kids that no one talks about… and I think Ollie got married and had kids too… he just realized some things about himself after the fact.**

**Anonymous Latino: Yep… even when Bob gets it right, he still doesn't quite get it right…**

**No, Ollie was carrying Papa out of the woods. I think I wasn't quite clear on that… darn it.**

**starwater09: Yep, he's kind of a douche like that.**

**EncytheSkunk: Huh… I watched that show but I don't remember that episode. That would be the good way of pitting your kids against one another… Papa didn't go that route. **

**Y'know… I intended to have one of those 'it wasn't real but maybe it was' HA! endings, but I think I wrote myself into a corner with that… I'll do a deconstruction of it instead…**

**Note: I guess I wasn't quite clear in the last chapter because I got the same comment a lot from people thinking they had left Papa behind… they did not, Ollie threw him over his shoulder… but then I guess I didn't say he carried him out with them. He did. Sorry for the confusion. **

**Remember how I sort of personified Big Bob's Beepers into the son Bob never had? Well imagine if his 'son' had a little… 'coming out' party so to speak…**

* * *

Chapter 14: BBB

It had been a long uninteresting journey out of the woods, back to the hummer and an even longer and less interesting drive back to Hillwood for the Patakis. It had been so thoroughly long and uninteresting that any writer with any sense wouldn't bother covering what had happened. Helga decided this was for the best.

Now she just sat glaring straight ahead into space, not wishing to journal about her experience, write her manifesto, talk to anyone, or do anything. She had only one goal in mind and she didn't care to share it with anyone in the car.

Bob and Ollie had been gabbing on the whole car ride home, reminiscing and catching up with one another with Papa still sound asleep in the back. Apparently sleeping disorders ran in the family too, Helga had to note, and she hoped in the future any of that nonsense would have to still be junk food induced for her.

As the hummer approached the family home and beeper emporium, Bob took a heavy inhale, and then breathed out in relief.

"Well, it was a long, crazy and mostly pointless journey, but I think we all really discovered ourselves and it sure feels to be- WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT!?"

Bob slammed his foot down on the brake and brought the car to a screeching halt. The sudden stop sent Helga's head slamming into the seat in front of her, and then ricocheting back against her headrest.

"Ow!" she grunted.

This all finally roused Papa from his slumber and he awoke with a start.

"… elders!" he shouted, finally finishing the sentence he'd started several hours ago, before passing out in exhaustion.

"Jeez, Bobby…" Ollie groaned, "What's what?"

"My store!" Bob bellowed, "It's…"

Ollie, Helga and Papa turned their heads and beheld the gigantic throng gathered outside of the emporium. Had he been living in a cartoon, Bob's jaw might have dropped to the floor, hit the accelerator and sent the Hummer plowing into the crowds of people outside of his store, but fortunately he lived in real life so no such thing happened. After the 'Beeper Princess' ad campaign launched a few weeks earlier, the Patakis had seen an initial surge in business at their grand reopening, but the crowds had dwindled since then. This crowd dwarfed even that first big crowd and it looked as if half the city was gathered outside of the emporium now.  
"Busy…" Bob uttered in dull surprise, "Seriously, don't these losers have anything better to do on a Sunday afternoon?"

After honking their way through the crowds Bob pulled into a parking space that had been marked with a decorative sign in red with gold letters reading 'Royal Family Parking Only."

"Oo, Bobby… Papa wasn't kidding." Ollie said, "Got yourself a space fit for a king and everything."

"That's new on me…" Bob remarked somewhat drolly.

As the four of them got out of the car, Bob looked up and saw that the words 'Big Bob's Beepers' had been replaced with a neon purple light reading 'BBB' and without his knowledge or consent. Knee-jerk anger to change or anything unexpected had been Bob's modus operandi for most of his life, but the events of this weekend or possibly had either left him a changed man or he felt too overwhelmed by the bustling beeper store to muster enough energy to get angry.

After the four of them exited the vehicle and fought their way through the crowds, they made it inside the back entrance. Bob rushed to the showroom to find Miriam frantically but adeptly running the register and dealing with patrons.

"Miriam?" Bob asked, "What the Hell Michigan happened here?"

"Hi B," Miriam said without turning to face him, "Good trip? Find Bigfoot?"

"Uh…" Bob stammered, "Not exactly… we found an even bigger myth, my big brother Ollie."

Ollie twinkled his fingers in Miriam's direction and smiled broadly, as Papa just glanced around rapidly, looking as if he could have a heart attack at any moment.

"Uh huh, great honey." Miriam said, barely acknowledging them, caught up in what she was doing, "We can talk about your trip later, we're a little busy right now."

"I can see that, I have eyes…" Bob grumbled, "But wait… what's with the new sign? And what did you do to get all this-"

"Aw, B, we can talk about all that later, right now we've got customers to deal with and that's my number one priority over-"

Helga suddenly tugged on her mother's arm and brought her down to ear level with her. She then whispered something into Miriam's ear, causing the woman's eyes to go wide.

"Oh… oh!" Miriam nodded her head in understanding, "Oh my gosh… wow… um, B? Here, take over for me…"

"What?" Bob scratched his head, "You just said the customers were your number one priority…"

"Uh huh, but it's still _your _business… technically." Miriam snickered awkwardly, "So now they're _your _number one priority. Right now Helga needs a little help with, uh…"

"What? I can handle the girl, Miriam." Bob stated, "You were right. The trip brought us closer together, and I can-"

"B? You're gonna have to trust me on this one… you don't wanna be _this _close with her." Miriam insisted, as she led Helga away towards the employees only door, "I'll take care of this… you take over here and help Suzie ring these people up."

"What?" Bob scratched his head, "What's going on with-"

"Excuse me," Suzie Kokoshka gently pushed past Bob and took over one of the other registers, speaking to one of the customers she asked, "Here, was this the one you wanted?"

She held up a new phone case which caught Bob's eye. It stood out from any of the other phone cases he'd had in stock before the weekend, this one appeared to be custom designed, covered in a distinctive floral pattern. As he looked around he started to notice that some artistic license had been taken with _all_ of the phone cases in sight, ranging in artistic styles. And that was to say nothing about the store's new decor, which Bob was just now beginning to take in. The placed had definitely been revamped, to put it mildly.

"Gosh, Baby Brother…" Ollie marveled, "I mean… I love it, don't get me wrong I just figured you'd have decorated this place to look a little more… rugged? Robust? I didn't think we had_ this_ much in common… seriously, it looks like Barbie threw up all over the place…"

From every advertisement and slogan spelled out in bright neon lights around them, to the fresh coat of bright pink paint all around, Bob barely recognized his own store. He'd always thought of Big Bob's Beepers, now apparently rebranded as 'BBB' as the son he'd never had, and now it had entered into a new phase of its life. One that risked facing its father's disapproval… and Bob therefore felt sympathy with it.

"This is… this is insane…" Bob uttered, not angrily but completely aghast. He surveyed the room, it wasn't just the hipster crowd trying to obtain beepers anymore, but just about every demographic the already diverse city had to offer.

"How did word get around so fast about this?" he asked in bewilderment.

"I can spread gossip like a wildfire in July. Same goes for advertising now." a younger voice appeared. Bob turned and saw a tall girl with a black bob haircut standing behind the register. She was rapidly typing on two different phones in either hand, and Bob recognized her as one of Helga's schoolmates.

"This is working out simply splendiferously." Rhonda sighed, sounding , "That stupid commercial we filmed is so bad it's blowing up the internet… now everyone wants to check this place out, out of morbid curiously if nothing else."

"She hired you, too?" Bob asked. "Yeesh… I'm gonna have to actually start paying that Arnold kid for his ideas pretty soon…"  
"Please." Rhonda dismissed him with a wave of her hand, "I'm too rich to _work _for money, I just do it as a hobby. And all this? That was your wife's idea, not Arnold's. I just boost this place's reach, and get a nice big increase in followers for myself, while garnering a reputation for renovating old artifacts like this store. Voila! Mrs. Pataki unleashes her creative side on the store, and I unleash it on the world."

In spite of the backhanded compliments… or just flat-out insults from Rhonda, Bob felt a strange feeling of euphoria started to creep in. Suddenly he shut that feeling down and he shook his head

"This is… this is all wrong… it's… I mean, it's selling, clearly… but what about… this store is mine! It's my whole identity! It's…"

"Gosh, Baby Brother, I didn't expect your place to be so hip… so current… so…"

Bob looked at his brother who was smiling knowingly, which was impressive given that they'd been estranged for twenty some years before today.

"I dunno…" Bob sighed, "It just seems like a little too much…"

"Aw, Bobby." Ollie said with a smile, "We can live in the past, and keep chasing Bigfoots and all… or we can live for now. The future's a lot easier to handle if you just live in the present."

Bob looked at his father, who still looked disapproving as ever, and suddenly Bob felt himself instantly embrace this new direction Miriam had steered their proverbial ship in… mostly because his father didn't like it, which might have not been quite the right reason to embrace it, but still.

"I…" Bob took one last gulp of what remained of his pride and then said with great relief, "I love it…"

"Bah…" Papa waved his hand dismissively and then disappeared into the backroom, likely going to pack his things.

Bob glanced around at the new bedazzled Big Bob's Beepers (now THERE was a name that might've potential…) and shrugged. It might not have been his style, but clearly it was selling. At the end of the day that was what mattered most to any consummate businessman.

The next morning, before opening time and before Helga had to get to school, the Pataki family all gathered at the curb where Bob was loading his father's bags into a cab. Only Ollie was absent, insisting on needing another hour of 'beauty sleep' before he was good for anything. Miriam was still going over the figures from the weekend's sale and looking more than pleased with the results.

"If things keep going like this we should be able to buy our house back before long." Miriam said. "You three should get away for the weekend together more often."

"No!" Bob, Helga and Papa all bellowed together.

"All right, all right… just a thought…" Miriam sighed.

"Well, thanks for the visit Pop, but I guess all good things have to end, right?" Bob said, his tone dripping with irony.

Papa Pataki just huffed in disagreement.

"I just don't understand what I did so wrong with you and your brother," he sighed, "Not sticking to your ways and letting all this change happen is just not how Patakis do things."

"I'm a Pataki," Miriam cut in, "And since I'm stuck with that, I'm making the best of it."

Bob shrugged in slight embarrassment.

"There, see?" Bob muttered, "We can all adapt with he times."

"I still say that makes you a very small man indeed." Papa chided.

"Aw, nothing about this man is small…" Miriam said with a twinkle in her eye as she wrapped an arm around him, "Well… mostly…" she put in.

Bob grinned sheepishly as Helga just looked at the two of them in slight confusion.

"I'm going back to basics and reinventing myself one day at a time." Bob declared, "And you? You're going back to Hell… Michigan."

Papa shook his head disapprovingly one last time and sighed.

"Oh and, Pop?" Bob added, "I LOVE you."

"Ugh, no affection! We've discussed this!" Papa recoiled, and then without another word he boarded the taxi. Bob, Miriam and Helga waved him off but he didn't even deign them with a smile. As the taxi screeched away into the busy morning city street, Papa, the self proclaimed 'Big Pataki' disappeared from their lives.

"Well that nipped my curiosity about any more extended family members right in the bud." Helga muttered.

"Ah, they're not all bad… I mean just look at your uncle." Bob said, "Kind of a tea cozy, but still… somehow he's the manliest man I'll ever know."

"I better go set up before we open." Miriam said.

She kissed Bob on the cheek and then headed inside, leaving him alone with his daughter. She had her backpack on and looked eager to get to school.

"Helga?" Bob asked.

"Dad?" Helga responded.

"Sorry, sorry, I meant Olga." Bob erroneously corrected himself, "Listen, I uh… I wanted to talk with you but you spent all night in the bathroom and all, so I just wanted to say that I-"

"Are gonna talk about this?" Helga asked.

"Talk about what?" Bob asked back.

"That I'm the Big Pataki now?" she said, "Or did you forget that you more or less made me the new family patriarch."

"Huh? That ? Well, it was… more of a symbolic gesture really…" Bob said, squirming slightly.

"Uh huh, sure. Got it. So I'm in charge now." Helga grinned deviously.

"Well hold on here, that title's just a symbol of the past that we're trying to-"

"Yep, I'm in charge now. I call the shots." Helga continued, sounding more and more megalomaniacal by the second, "I drew up the first draft of my manifesto last night and-"

"Listen girl! I'm trying to have a touching father daughter moment with you! Criminey!" Bob shouted.

Bob realized as well as Helga did that he was doing a grade F job of that as usual, but Helga seemed to appreciate the effort just enough to stop sassing him for a minute.

"Listen, I just… I don't wanna screw this up any more than I already did and try not to raise you like Papa raised me." Bob said, "You're still a kid and you're growing up more and more every day and…"  
"Oh, you have _no _idea…" Helga muttered.

"… and some day when you're old and gray I want you to be able to look back on the good times with your old man…" Bob said sentimentally, "Or at least all the good times we could still have."

Helga sighed, and then she awkwardly nodded. He really couldn't have picked a worse time in her life, the age when all children come to see their parents as evil incarnate for a few years, but Helga had suffered enough neglect not to be able to appreciate what her father was saying.

"Dad…" she sighed, "I… I hate you."

Bob's eyes went wide and he came over looking very hurt for a split second.

"I hate you… but I also love you. A lot." she said, "And if I've learned anything from dating Arnold it's… well, maybe those two emotions aren't so mutually exclusive… in fact I'd say a lot of the time they're almost the same thing…"

"You're confusing me again, girl…" Bob said, trying to piece her logic together.

"I know." she sighed, and then against her better judgement she hugged her father.

Bob was still a little fuzzy on her whole hate/love distinction but he hugged her back and smiled.

"Listen, little missy. I know Olga set a pretty high bar and I wanted you to rise up to that but… well, maybe we can just start over and I can get to really know you."

Helga couldn't hold back her tiny little smile that reflexively formed on her face, but then she resumed scowling.  
"Whatever floats your boat… dad…"

"Hey! Great Idea! Next weekend I'll take you fishing!" Bob said, "You and me can build ourselves a canoe from scratch and we'll spend the whole weekend togeth-"

"No…" Helga shook her head.

"Alright, alright…" Bob agreed that was too much, "But still, you and me? Now that your mom is running the store, you and me have all the time in the world to catch up on the last twelve years I missed out- hey! Twelve! I even remembered how old you are this time! This self-reinvention is going great!"

Bob never could stop refrain from congratulating himself on everything, even in his newfound 'humbled' state, and he couldn't have picked a worse time to choose to become an active part of his daughter's life.

"Dad?" Helga said carefully, "I don't want you to think I don't appreciate the attention, but I'm kinda-"

"I know, I know, you've wanted me to be more involved with you you're whole life and it's overwhelming!" Bob said in pure joy.  
"That's not what I-"

"You and me can spend every waking moment together… outside of school and all."  
"Bob?"

"I mean, don't you wanna at least reminisce about this weekend and-"  
"No." Helga said sharply.

"Wonder if you know, 'Hey… maybe Bigfoot was real all along, maybe not… '" Bob continued.

"No." Helga said again.

"Hey, Helga!" came the voice of Arnold from up the street.

"Hey, Arnold!" Bob shouted in a friendly voice, which unnerved both Arnold and Helga. "There's my little guy!"

"Um… hi Mr. Pataki-" Arnold said cautiously.

"Ah come on, come on, we're all on a first name basis here." Bob said, "Call me Bob. She does."

"I uh…" Arnold reacted in genuine bafflement.

"Arnold?" Helga almost swooned but then resumed scowling, "Um… about time, football head! Sheesh! We're gonna be late for school, c'mon! Let's go already!"

"All right, all right, we can bond more later." Bob said, "You two go to school. Learn all you can. And then when you get back we're gonna spend every waking moment together until I make you the happiest daughter any father ever had!"

Helga grabbed Arnold by the hand and dragged him along forcefully. Once they had vanished from Big Bob's sight, Arnold broke the somewhat awkward silence.

"So… did you find Sasquatch?" Arnold asked eagerly.

"Yep." Helga said, "We just inexplicably forgot how to work a camera just like everyone else who finds him. He's definitely out there."

Arnold knew her well enough to see through the sarcasm, but he continued on in his curiosity.  
"Wow… well, whatever happened out there must have been incredible." Arnold said, "You're dad seems like-"

"Arnold?" Helga interrupted, "You love me, yes?"

"Um, yeah." Arnold said, with an eager puppy dog expression rising on his face.

"And you'd do anything to make me happy, right?" she asked.

"Well, sure." he said, "I mean… within reason-"

"Good." Helga cut him off and sighed heavily, "Because I went through some real life-changing stuff this weekend… some stuff that put everything in perspective and is making me rethink everything I… oh heck. Arnold?" Helga sighed sadly, "I'm going to start punching you now… and… well… I may never stop…"

Arnold just looked at her in confusion, unable to tell if she was serious or not. Helga raised her fist in the air and closed her eyes, imagining in her mind if she existed on a TV series that the credits would now roll.

THE END

* * *

**Deleted scene:**

**As Papa is leaving, Harvey the mailman comes by and Bob pulls him into a half hug and yells, "Oh, hey? Pop? This is Harvey! He's my _BLACK_ friend!" Papa then basically has a heart attack as the cab is leaving. I decided that was a little too much**

**All the supernatural HA! episodes end with a rational explanation followed by a… or was it? moment. I couldn't quite make that work here because I really wanted it to end with Helga saying her last line, so imagine a post credits scene I guess…**

**Lame Epilogue:**

**Meanwhile, somewhere in the North American woods, Chadwick and Mark at last stumbled onto a familiar face.**

**"My friends…" Zeus the zookeeper said.**

**"Dad…" Chadwick asked.**

**"My boy, I think you are at last in touch enough with mother nature to again be worthy of the title: Assistant Zookeeper Trainee."**

**"Um… great…" Chadwick sighed.  
"What about me?" Mark asked, "My show just got canceled… can I be a trainee, too?"**

**"Sure, why not?" Zeus said.**

**"What!?" Chadwick wailed, "How come he didn't have to go through all this crap you put me-"**

**"My boy, this mound of dough with hair does not contain my glorious blood flowing through him, as you do." Zeus said to his boy, "He does not have to overcome nepotism, and so yes, he is now your assistant assistant trainee."**

**"Great." Mark sighed with relief, "I'm just glad to have a real job for a change…"**

**"Yes…" Zeus sighed, "Perhaps we will never know if nature has indeed hidden her great hairy secret out in these untamed woods… we mere humans must be content to care for the ones she chooses to show us…"**

**"Huh?" Mark asked.  
"He talks like that…" Chadwick murmured. "And I do too, now and then…"**

**"So… do you guys think Bigfoot is real?" Mark asked.**

**"What? No." Zeus shook his head, "This? This is all some sort of metaphysical metaphorical bonding with mother nature exercise. Seriously. Even I don't think Bigfoot is real…" He huffed in a strangely serious tone for him. "There are more people out here dressing up like Bigfoot than there are actual Bigfoots… now, how do we get out of these glorious woods?"**

**"You don't know either!?" Chadwick gasped.**

**"Me? I'm a city guy, what would I-" Zeus stopped as a large, hairy arm reached out from behind a tree and pointed eastward.**

**"Ah, thank you, person clearly dressed up as Bigfoot and not Bigfoot." Zeus said. "Come! Let us escape to the city!" **

**PHEW. This all started with the simple lame idea of Helga and Big Bob go on a Bigfoot hunt (Yes. That came first) and spiraled into one of the more complex, deconstructive stories I've attempted so far. I hope it worked. Let me know what you think and thank you for reading to the end!**

**Next: A request from HA!Fanforever called 'Wedding or Not.' A story in which Miles and Stella have to deal with the damage that their jungle adventure did to them, and the effect it's having on Arnold and might have to renew their wedding vows. Also Helga and Arnold are struggling with their relationship and... ah, heck, it'll be better than this description.**


End file.
